Padding Stats

Warning. The topic to follow may be dangerous to some. Do not recommend, paraphrase or forward this to your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or prospect if either of you are insecure, dishonest or intolerant. Trust me, the argument is really not worth it. But, for those feeling froggy, lets discuss the old adage “Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t.” In a society fixated with statistics and comparisons, numbers tend to be the poster child for certain objective thinking. As a former math lover (prior to college calculus), I understand the power in numbers. In fact, I do agree, numbers don’t lie, but they don’t necessarily tell the entire truth either.

For those who have yet to catch on, excuse my vagueness, but I’m speaking of the number that represents a person’s amount of sexual partners. Some of you are already counting by point five (0.5). Have fun, I’m not going to ask you how many you’ve caught in your web anyway. On second thought, maybe I will. But first, let’s at least make it clear that vaginal sex, anal sex, and fellatio aka chromy dome or any other kind of oral pleasures qualify as a digit. The number does not include the amount of sexual acts; no one cares how many times you’ve done it with the same person, that’s boring. The interest is in sexual partners. Some people will hide this number like it’s a family secret.

Although the numbers may not lie, the people submitting them can. When women lie about their “number”, they tend to go for the innocent lower number. Depending on who a man is lying to, he may be shooting for the stars with his number, or he may be trying to simply “fit in.” The rhetorical question of the day is, why? I feel everyone should wear their number proudly as if it were a football jersey of a family member who is in the hall of fame. At the end of the day, it represents your history. Like I previously stated, the number doesn’t tell the entire truth. A high number doesn’t mean someone is promiscuous, afraid of commitment or experienced, and a low number doesn’t mean someone is an inexperienced angel. Honestly, I don’t think a number can be definitive of someone’s character. Now in my most serious tone, the number does indicate how many times a person has been susceptible to creating a child or swapping special monsters. But even with that said, there are people that mistakenly went half on a baby with their first partner, just as there are people that have been doing the nasty for decades and never had to visit the clinic.

Now that we know that numbers can be honest and incorrect, and numbers can hide some of the truth, do they really matter? I’ve never been asked what my number is and I’ve never judgingly asked what someone else’s number was. So again, do they matter? No one is asking for them on the first date, so we subconsciously know that they are not deal breakers. Understandably, no one wants a sloppy hoe, but I’m sure we don’t need to know a sloppy hoe’s number to know that he or she is a sloppy hoe.

It is important that we know what a number can mean, but for the most part, a surprising number will only make one second guess their reason for dealing with a person. If a guy meets a girl, likes a girl for who she is and what she brings to the table, finding out about a high number and being upset will only do him a disservice. If she’s not a virgin homie, just pray that her number isn’t increasing while she is with you. Then you have issues.

Ice-T Taught Me

Black men have been doing the nasty with women outside their race for longer than any of us can remember. Also, for as long as anyone can remember, it’s always been big deal to some, and never a big deal to others. Today, the most attention, deservedly so, gets paid to the African-American male athletes who are not dating black women. We African-American men with regular occupations get no love, or hate for this matter. Lucky us. The black men that dominate the television screen, fill the arenas, and set our cultural trends have earned the right to rest on the slide of public eye’s microscope. My rhetorical question is why. Why do people care who’s marrying, dating, kissing, boning or spooning who? Black women seem to be the ones who are the most repulsed with these men’s actions. Apparently some of them want to know why black athletes choose or even more disturbing to them, prefer women outside of their race.

I won't lie and say I don't say a slick comment or two when I see a black athlete with a woman that's not black. But I'm also just as mad when Beyonce takes an acting role that should've gone to a real black actress. I don’t make a big fuss about it, maybe a little. But for the most part, I vent, quickly get over it, and charge it to the game. The way some black women are passionate about getting looked over by black athletes, I’m surprised when I turn to Sportscenter and don’t see a group of angry women picketing outside the NFL and NBA offices. This lets me know that most women act like they care, but they really don’t.

For the bothered, and even those that act like they are bothered, I understand your concerns. You’re concerned about the future of the “black family.” Or maybe you’re thinking that another wealthy black man has been stolen from the crop. Some black women believe that they deserve the "better" life he can provide to a spouse. I admit, these are some legit concerns. Maybe there is an underlying reason why African-American men are choosing not to settle down within their race. Maybe it’s due to how they were raised. Has anyone ever considered that reproducing with a black woman may not have been stressed during their upbringing? A sense of culture may not have been a priority. Maybe they grew up taught to judge by the character of the person and rather than the color. Or maybe it’s due to way the man was treated by the different races of his female peers. I hear a little bit of Becky goes a long way when you’re a teenager. Whatever the theory is, the fact remains. Some black men are not dating, marrying or even entertaining black women. As far as white women go, to some black men, it’s like pork, unless a conscious effort is made to stay away, there’s going to be play. What can one do? Unfortunately, black athletes are jumping out of the black woman dating pool as if they were gay, felons or married.

Ladies you no longer have to debate the reason why these men date outside of their race. The answer is simple. Whatever excuse, reason or rationale he gives is irrelevant. The man likes what he likes. It’s that simple. True, some things may influence that, but whether or not it’s due to attraction, feasibility, or accessibility, he likes what he likes. Miss me with the bullchit talk that I stated in the last paragraph. I respect the man that steps to the plate and stays away from the excuses. I rather not hear that black women are too aggressive, ghetto, self-centered, disrespectful, or gold-diggers. All of those traits cross color barriers. Some white women are just as broke. There are Asians that sport a lot of acrylic. And don’t be surprised if there are as many Spaniard women that are not sweating some of these crusty, no game, corny athletes. I get upset when black men are willing to downgrade their race simply because they are not man enough to admit that they like other races. I understand that Flava Flav’s Basketball Wives have blessed our television machines and validate some of the stereotypes, but who is dumb enough to think all black women act this way.

If it’s possible for me to put this issue to bed, I promise you that most African-American male athletes actually date and marry within their race.

For more on this topic, please be sure to check out the March 10th and March 17th (my guest feature) talk radio episodes at WarRoomSports.com.

Play Date: Win, Lose or Love

For those who have questions, here are the answers to some FAQ.

1. Is there still time to register? Yes! Advance ticket sales end this Sunday, Feb. 20th.

2. Why buy tickets in advance? Advance ticket holders are guaranteed to play. Plus... you save some money!

3. Is this only for singles? Everyone is invited to mix and mingle, but we ask that only singles play.

4. Is this speed dating? Yes and no. Yes, because players will date multiple people in one night. No, because we use the spirit of competition to determine compatibility.

5. What games will be played? What's the excitement if we reveal everything? But, I will say one game... Spades!

Hope to see everyone tomorrow!

Tricks Are For Kids, Wait....It's Valentine's Day

For a while now, I've sort of had an internal debate that has been slowly destroying me. I am pleased to announce that one side has finally convinced the other side to accept its logic. Through this long, tedious process, my mind, body and soul are now restored. Everything was torn because certain parts were choosing sides. The issue that caused this divide is a simple statement that has been embarrassingly repeated for as long as I can remember. Actually, I don’t even know why I’m trying to dress it up. Statement, its not. Really it’s a rap lyric that has been dangerously infectious and trendy. And similar to a lot of rap that transpired throughout the “Platinum Era,” it was a falsehood that people thought was true. We that are in the know, understand and accept that half of hip-hop simply is not real although we hope it is. I admit, I’m guilty of believing some of these hip-hop myths. For example, there was a time where I actually thought that there was no way Rick Ross could be a former Correction Officer. Hey, put me in jail, I’m human. But this time around, I decided to be responsible. I will no longer promote false propaganda. Kids, we’ve been lied to and it’s time the wool is removed. In advance, I apologize for being a party pooper. Some men will have damaged egos, and there’s a chance their women will suffer. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s imperative that you know that it’s definitely trickin’ if you got it.

For years we’ve recited the lyrics “It aint trickin’ if you got it.” Some of our favorite rappers even participated in this craziness. But how many people have actually dissected the phrase. I did, because I’m the Mad Analyst and I hate repeating stuff that I haven’t officially co-signed. I won't insult you or waste our time by defining what trickin’ is, but if you don't know, continue reading and I’m sure you will figure out its meaning. For those of you that think it’s trivial and has nothing to do with relationships, have a seat and let me learn you something. Like I said, it’s trickin if you got it, and it’s simply stupid if you don’t have it. Fellas, to restore your pride, it doesn’t mean you are a trick if you’re trickin. Some of you are feeling embarrassed about doing something nice for a woman. If you got it, you should be trickin. Ladies, if he’s trickin’, in other words, spending money on you, he wants something. He’s not doing it simply because you are a nice girl. What he wants can be good or bad, but its definitely something. Actually, most relationships are born with a little trickin. Guys are quick to tell their homies “I aint paying for chit.” Please stop it, we don’t believe you. It’s part of the game. Most guys pursuing a woman are paying for a thing or two. Behind most movies, dinners, flowers, train tickets, air max and outfits is a man denying his trick status. He does not want to accept it because he’s been singing those damn words for so long. He doesn’t want to be associated with the perverts at Hunts point in the Bronx. He refuses to be confused with the horny men at strip clubs that actually believe that Diamond loves them. Unfortunately fellas, you all are tricks, some have just graduated to other levels. So if you’re in the clubs singing “I got it” and making it rain thinking you are better than average, guess what, you are average. I'm going to do my part by never again saying that I am not a trick. That status can’t be removed unless my name is Bishop Magic Don Juan or if I’m in a relationship.

For those who got it, trickin is an investment. For those who don’t have it, trickin is a lottery ticket. With V-Day fast approaching, if you have spent your last on a woman or man you want, you are stupid. You better learn some arts and crafts. Get creative and take a few cooking classes. Get your horticulture on. If they can’t grasp the theory “it’s the thought that counts,” ya’ll both are stupid and you deserve each other. Happy Valentines Day.

And if you’re benefitting from all this trickin, it doesn’t mean you are a hoe. But, I will warn you that it’s a slippery slope. Also, if you are taking advantage of a guy because you know he is a trick, you’re definitely a hoe. Yeah I said it. “You a hoe.” If you invite your girls to come party and your selling point is “Jason is buying bottles,” you and your clan are hoes. Embrace it.

She's Three Different People

Picture this: Beautiful couple, beautiful setting, beautiful night. Man and his girlfriend are out and about on one of those perfect summer nights. This is one of those nights where everything during the day was going smoothly and it seemed as if everyone in the world was in a good mood. The two have been walking for about an hour and the woman decides that she is thirsty. Man suggests they go into one of those downtown grocery stores. You know, the ones where a Naked juice is $6.50. They both look at each other with a little bit of skepticism, but the woman says “f*#k it, I got that raise. Let’s keep the party going.” So the two enter the store, the man grabs Fiji water for $3 cash, and the woman goes for the ‘Red Machine’ Naked juice. They walk to the register, smiling, laughing, pinching butt cheeks, enjoying each other’s presence. Store owner grabs the beverages after they’ve been placed on the counter. Returns the products in a plastic bag and passes the woman $0.50. The woman thought $0.50 would be fine if she gave the Korean man $10.00. But she gave him a $20.00 bill, so he owes her some money. Of course the Korean man isn’t going; he knows what she gave him. And what she gave him was a $10.00 bill. The boyfriend is in the background stupefied because he has never seen his girl behave like this. She’s yelling and making all types of crazy hand gestures. She’s really upset. Korean man isn’t going. Police arrive. Woman gets more berated. The scene is now super crazy. Boyfriend exhausted and frustrated from trying to calm his woman down. If he had not committed to this relationship a couple weeks ago, he would have left the scene a long time ago. Half an hour later after police threateningly pulled the hand cuffs out, the gathering disperses. Couple leaves $10 cash short, with warm water and juice. Naked juices are only good when they are cold.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the point of the story is that whether women realize it or not, there are some men out there who actually care about how a woman carries herself. For every setting and situation, there is appropriate and acceptable behavior. In case someone needs clarification, I will break it down for you.

Simplify it into three categories. The categories are: When the man and woman are together in public, when they are together alone and when they are separated in public. The same way men have to act appropriate at times, a woman should act a certain way during each occasion as well. Some behavior is allowed at different times and some behavior is not allowed at any time. For instance, I better never hear about or see my woman picking boogers from her nose. I’m sorry, but that’s a deal breaker. That’s what they make bathrooms for. That’s disgusting. What is she? A man? She should excuse herself and go handle her business. Other things included in the repulsive category include farting, burping and anything else sickening that you can ponder.

Besides the nasty smells and sights, the woman can do anything when we are together. She should be herself. I would prefer she doesn’t curse as much as I and hopefully she’s tidy. Hitting is unacceptable unless its play time and its leading to sex. And as far as sex, she can be as freaky as a porn star. I would prefer that she is only a nun if we are role playing and she is the Brooklyn nun that claimed to be raped by a 6’-4”, 250 lb black man.

That takes care of when we are alone. When we are separate, although it may be taken for granted, this is a very important time. I believe that at all times, a man’s other half represents him. This is most important when she is without him in public. The last thing a guy wants to hear is that his girl was drunk, giving lap dances at the club. A man may break up with his girl if he gets a text message saying that she is in the beauty salon trying to fight the hairdresser because she put the wrong color in her hair. Most respectable men want a lady and not the Shenené type of lady. In fact, most respectable men want to get complimented on their woman’s behavior.

When a man and woman are together, it can be a little tricky. Everyone has a different embarrassment and desired respect level. Some men tolerate less than others. The man and woman of a couple should know what behavior works for each other. In the story above, this guy seemed too cool for his woman’s behavior. Whether he enjoyed the display or not, I’m sure he wouldn’t have been mad if she did nothing. If she took the loss and simply left to enjoy the rest of their evening, he would have been fine. Unfortunately, after this night’s events, there’s a slight chance the anticipated intimacy for the evening had been compromised.

In conclusion, timing is everything and there is a time and place for everything. Men are immature at times. Women are immature at times. Everyone should have foresight and know when crazy behavior is appropriate and how certain behavior will have an affect. Most importantly, know that Korean store owners are not going!

One of These Kids is Doing Her Own Thing

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Play Date: Win, Lose or Love

Nobody Talking About You

Ladies, have you ever eavesdropped on your man while he was with his boys? You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Some years back I went on a trip with one of my best friends Chuck. We were in our hotel room talking big chit about a certain female. Well actually it was mostly me doing all the talking. Chuck mostly watched and laughed as I was very demonstrative about my “true” feelings. Five minutes into this animation slash conversation, we hear a knock on the door. I would like to order two BBM surprised faces for me and my friend. He nor I didn’t say a word, but we both heard each other say, “Who the f#$k is that!?” I will not insult your intelligence by telling you who knocked on the door. But we know whose face I saw when I opened the door. That situation eventually worked itself out, but let’s say that day me and that female learned a lot about each other. Love you if you’re reading.

Every female should want to be a fly on the wall. Not in the sense where they are being nosy though. At first thought, I couldn't believe that there are women that actually want to know what guys talk about. Why do you care ladies? On second thought, I figured the same way I wonder what women talk about, women may be thinking along the same lines. I guess it is important to understand what goes on in a man’s head when he is in his most normal, relaxed state. When a man is around his boys, there’s a good chance that he is truly himself. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, the subject matter discussed amongst male friends is limitless.

Because a guy’s friends are important, when a woman commits to a man, she is committing to his friends to some degree. Men probably have more male friends than women have female friends. Some friends are involved on a daily basis and others have an influence so strong that they can reside 1000 miles away and still speak without speaking. But no matter what, conversations are happening. If you think we are talking about it, guess what, we are. It can be something important, or something very frivolous and stooopid. Ladies you can downplay it and think that these conversations are trivial, but guess what; a man’s friends are his “brain trust.” Although he is making the executive decision (you hope so), there’s a chance that he is channeling input from others. Ladies beware of your man’s brain trust. Beware of the guy that your man listens to the most? Is this friend the serious, shy, humorous, hood, professional, outgoing, militant, down-to-earth or stuck-up friend?
Be sure you understand the reasoning behind your man’s voice of reason. You almost have to know him as much as you know your man. This is true even if you are not a couple. There’s a good chance that that voice of reason has a guest pillow for those barn burner pillow talks you are having.

What are the guys discussing? This is a preview: Who are the new joints? Who's currently on the roster? Does she have friends? Hook me up with her. Did you smash? Did you at least get the head? Was it good? Pass off. You know all p*#@y aint good p*#@y? You went in her raw, you’re bugging. Yo, I think she’s crazy. What do you plan on doing with her? I heard she’s married? You’re thinking about hanging up your jersey? She's a good look for you, are you going to wife her? She's not better than the last one. Do you think she will make you a better person? I don’t like her, but I will be the best man.

That’s the “PG, I got a blog version.” But trust me, the conversations can be crazy if you’re not used to it and the point of views can sometimes come from left field. It behooves a woman to know who her man or prospect for a man is having this dialogue with. You need to know whether this guy is a potential ally or enemy. You need to strategically keep him close if you want to understand some of your man’s movements. No one tells one person everything, so don’t be that arrogant to think that you are the one that knows everything. But knowing about the talks and more importantly the characters talking, you are that much closer.

It's a Dirty Job, but Someone Has To Do It

Single sucks! I know it, you know it, and we all know it. For all you New Years Resolution Stans, lets not go into a new year lying. Why are we kidding ourselves, it’s the truth. Say it with me, “Single Sucks!” Before we jump to conclusions, don’t take this as a plea, a complaint, nor an offer. Because I know how to make the best out of a bad situation, no matter what else I write in this post, under no circumstance should you think that I am not HAPPILY single. But since this is my blog, a place where everyone can be honest, I would be lying if I didn’t make the bold statement that although people enjoy being single, EVERYONE (ladies, that includes men) wants to be in a relationship. Some don’t care if it’s a bad relationship, others prefer good relationships. The point is, when the relationship produces desired results, it’s the best thing since the re-release of spandex. The only group of people I would exclude from this group would me those men and women that are in the rebound stage. Those people that are recently removed from an exhausting situation are still a little punch drunk so they need time to recover. Depending on how long they were in their past relationship, they may want to enjoy being single for a while. I guarantee though, once they’ve recovered from their past phase of obligations, they are ready to jump into a new set of rules. Funny how that works right? As much as people proclaim they love their freedom, everyone is ready to relinquish those rights as soon as something good comes along.

Naturally the question a naysayer would ask is “why are so many people single if no one really wants to be single?” Well there are a million ways to answer this question. First, I would like to say that people are lying to themselves. Yes, I’m calling some of you liars. We can agree to disagree. Look at it this way, if everyone had to make a decision where they could only be one thing, single or in a relationship for the rest of their life, what would people choose. Think before you answer. Anyone that has experienced a great relationship knows the benefits of a relationship far outweigh those of being single. How many times have we seen a male or female friend break-up with their mate and either go back to them or continue to engage in relationship activities? They do this because they know that being single is brutal. Guys aren’t up to date on the new game. Those cat daddy lines just aren’t working anymore. Women turn down the first 30 qualified men that approach them. She comes off of as the angry woman in the crew. Single sucks! People that are on the rebound are the best people to validate my bold statement. They know where they just left and are hesitant to accept the single life.

Imagine two sets of people that are out and annoyingly enjoying themselves, one is a couple and one consists of two single people. We all have seen these people before. I guarantee that the happy couple will NEVER look at the happy single people and say I wish I were them. But you better believe that at least one if not both off the single people see the couple and fantasize about being in their situation.

Although men are single and appear reluctant to “G-Dep” themselves, deep down they really want to be in a relationship. Women appear more ready because they think about it more. Men don’t think about it as much. When men decide that they want a girlfriend, you better believe their antennas are up and they are simply waiting for a qualified candidate. You don’t have to be Cornel West smart to know that a relationship offers more than being single. Single provides flexibility, minimum responsibility, and possibility of new sex daily (playa playa singles only). But none of those are necessarily great things, excluding new sex daily, just kidding. None of those make a man great. Being single is futile, and most men know that, at least the men that women should be trying to date. Being in a relationship provides definition, organization, unlimited support, unbiased friendship, and guaranteed sex daily (at least 60% of the time).

The key is finding the guy that is ready. A woman that wants a relationship will have a much more difficult time finding a man if the man is not ready. But of course there is an exception to that. If a woman is “that chick”, the man will know, and he will wake up. So ladies if you’ve been “talking” to this guy for somewhat a long time and it has yet to go anywhere, question whether or not you are “that chick”. There’s a good chance that he may not be “that dude.”

Keep Your New Year's Resolutions To Yourself

Here we are in the last week of the year. Everyone is scrambling trying to make sure they end 2010 and start 2011 right. People are excited because they almost feel like its out with the old and in with the new. As usual, the discussions these days center around, “What are your New Year’s resolutions?” And people are no where near short of creativity with the things they come up with. Especially when their resolutions are relationship related. Women are voicing their determination to have a boyfriend. And men are vowing to finally commit to a girlfriend. Maybe not.

Personally, I don’t make any New Year’s resolutions. So although I am single, I doubt that I will be making any New Year’s relationship resolutions. I’m not knocking anyone who does, but I believe that making New Year’s resolutions are another way we lie to ourselves. Around September people start saying to themselves, “I can’t wait till next year,” or “it’s going to be different next year.” So what happens, they wait three months to put this unjust pressure on themselves and rarely fulfill these requirements they set. By September of the next year, the same quotes are repeated.

With all that being said, please forgive me when I laugh at the question “will one of my resolutions be to have a girlfriend?” Whoever makes a New Year’s resolution to be in a relationship, please put your head down and walk out of the room. What type of foolishness is that? Anyone that makes a resolution to either have a girlfriend or boyfriend is clearly missing the point. They are already making the task of finding someone that much more difficult. I know about the whole ‘positive visualization’ mumbo jumbo (which I actually believe works) where you have to put it out there in the universe for it to happen. Cool, but be careful, because that may not be the only thing that is being put out in the universe. If you’ve read anything I wrote this year, you know how I feel about rules and schedules. Unless you’re at work, they only limit and prohibit. There is no timetable on when like, lust or love when develop. So for the woman that implies that she wants to be in a relationship by a certain date, on our date, I’m the man that will be going to the bathroom and not coming back. If I were courting this person, why wouldn’t I second guess whether this person is really being true and not simply introducing me to an image that they think I want to see for the purpose of my commitment? AT&T and I had beef the other day because they had me sign a contract and didn’t fully explain our agreement. When I threatened to leave their ass, that’s when they all of a sudden want to settle disputes. We now have an amicable relationship. I don’t want to go through this with a woman that I thought I liked.

It is your prerogative if you want to make your New Year’s resolution to be in a relationship by 2012. All I recommend is that you let things happen naturally. As the saying goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.” Give your potential mate the opportunity to make an educated decision on whether they want to help you with your resolution. There’s a chance it may not happen till 2013, but at least you know there is a good chance you won’t have to make that resolution again. You can now focus on working out more consistently or going to church more or having an improved relationship with your incarcerated brother; whatever you’ve decided to choose as your resolutions.

Setting goals for the upcoming year is trendy and somewhat important but be careful not to create limits for yourself. I think it’s much more important to encapsulate what you’ve experienced the previous year. On New Year’s Eve I usually have a moment of silence with myself where I reflect. During this time of reflection, there are numerous things I focus on. What went right? What went wrong? What were the pleasant surprises? Was there progression from the prior year? Did you have better friendships? Were your relationships improved? What did you learn from those relationships? Use all of this information to naturally become a better person. Great things happen to great people.

I want to thank everyone who has ever logged on, repeated andshewonderswhy during sex, posted a comment, suggested a post topic, or shared the site with a friend. I know we have fun, but believe it or not, the blog works; I have text messages, emails and taped telephone conversations (just kidding) that prove it. People are making better relationship decisions. Everyone who has participated is responsible. For that reason, I have no choice but to continue. You have truly made my 2010 a great year. I hope that I helped make yours great. There are big things happening in 2011. Please, please stay tuned. Follow me @EsWild21 on Twitter and send me (Es Wild) a friend request on Facebook.

Tired of Belts

Ok, so it’s the last weekend to shop for Christmas/ Kwanzaa gifts, I get it. You don't know what to get your man. You need advice, maybe I can help. He’s tired of wallets, ties, and gift certificates. Your excuse is either he has everything or he wants nothing. This is why the man is usually the one who suffers during this gift giving escapade. Men are men, so we may not complain or make a big deal about the garbage gift we receive (not all are garbage, said that for affect). We take the gift and throw it with the rest of the “gifts we will never use.” Some women take advantage of the fact that we don't complain. I interpret it as some women are simply lazy. Not lazy to the extent that they will not spend an entire day out on the town shopping, but lazy in that they are not willing to push themselves to come up with a unique, thoughtful gift. Ladies, we appreciate the hours you put in, but as the saying goes, “Work smart, not hard.”

A week ago, I observed Secret Santa gift exchanging. The gifts that the women gave each had them very excited. Lots of hugging, kissing and smiling. The men, well they smiled and were just happy to receive their cologne, scarves and pocket knives. Since my secret Santa ran up on me earlier that week and damn near snatched the tag out my shirt to see my size, I already knew I was getting a shirt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. But there is usually not much intrigue involved. If you know me, you know I'm pretty low maintenance. I don't ask for much. But if you do get a gift, I like practical, creative gifts. I’m pretty sure most men feel the same way.

One of the best gifts I ever received was from my ex-girlfriend. The gift served so many purposes. First, it was not a Christmas gift. It was a “just-because” gift. Those types usually mean more than any other type of gift. I know it’s the holidays so just-because gifts are not applicable at this moment. But women can still think of a way to make it more special than just a holiday gift. What my ex gave me was a two-item gift, but they were presented at the same time. Delivered in a nice, little gift bag, it was not overtly feminine, but something I could walk in the street with if I needed to transport it. Another key thing about the gift is that the relationship was still fresh. She hadn't known me a long time. So I was surprised, very risky. I hate surprises, unless they are great ones. The first part of the gift was a framed picture of her. From our conversations and interactions, she knew how I loved beauty (which she represented) and she knew how much I liked pictures. I don't remember if I asked for the picture, but I didn't expect it. This was pre-Black Planet and picture phone days (damn I just aged myself), so having pictures readily available was not the case (these kids are spoiled today). The second part of the gift is what sealed the deal. Like most couples we had our "favorite" conversations. You know those favorite conversations. "Aye girl, what's your favorite color...blue? Stop playing, that's mine too, I knew it! We're compatible." So during these talks she found out my favorite slow song was "Two Occasions" by Babyface and the Deele. I’m sure you can guess what else was in the bag. You guessed correctly, she bought me the Deele “Eyes of a Stranger” cd that featured this song. I totally forgot that we had the conversation. Of course I gave her all I had in the bedroom that night (lol, that means I was happy).

The moral of the story is that similar to women, the simple things matter to us men as well. We like a lot of money to be spent on us, but I recommend women buy gifts that will resonate over a long period of time. If you guys ever split, he will always remember that you were thoughtful. You will raise his standards. When it comes to gift giving, women after you will forever be judged on their creativity. It takes no effort to buy an expensive watch. A trip to the Bahamas can easily be purchased. Unless the woman gives a thousand pints of blood to earn the money, those gifts only mean what the guy probably already knows, that she has money. Depending on when you read this post, you have nine days left, more than enough time to be imaginative. If your gift is impressive, maybe you’ll get a nice gift back, next year.

Fellas, if you received a great gift in the past, tell the world your story in the comment section. Ladies, if you believe you have given great gifts in the past, save a relationship, please share. Happy Holidays and travel safely.

Louise vs Precious

Bored at my desk one day, I asked myself a very IMPORTANT question. PYT or Cougar? PYT or Cougar? PYT, Cougar? It’s a tough decision for some, but not so tough for me. I will take neither. I would love to have a woman that is in the same age range as me. We most likely are in same stage in our lives, we possibly have same desires, blah blah blah. Wait, maybe I’m lying. Yeeeeeaaaah, I think I am lying. I would not mind settling down with a woman my age, but its something about a younger and older woman that will always interest a man. At least interest me.


Before the women in my age group start with the dirty looks and inveigh against the movement, you guys should not be surprised when it comes to men going after younger women. Half of you ladies grew up pumping the myth that women mature earlier than men. Some of you took it a step further and even started dating older men while you were in your late teens and early twenties. So where does this leave us. Where did it leave us when we were younger? All of the superbad girls were messing with the older guys so we had to get in where we fit in. Maybe subconsciously it hurt our egos that our options were limited. I don’t know. I didn’t research this chit. Googling PYT and Cougar just didn’t feel right. Either way it goes, men are now making up for the days of the 21, 22, and 23 year olds evading them when they were 21, 22, and 23. The men are in there 30s and they are now the beneficiaries. A classic tale of history repeating itself.

But let’s not sleep on Cougars. People think they are making a come back, but I beg to differ. They’ve been around for a long time. In my hood, we’ve been calling them “Grandma Dynamites” for years. The only difference today is that they are more sophisticated, more attractive, and more “caked up” (that’s paid for those who don’t know). So with this new, improved plethora of single, older women, men’s choices have expanded exponentially. And although Viagra and Cialis are trying to make it an even playing field for men of all ages, the Cougars are still out there hunting young, fresh meat. Lol, that sounds disgusting. But unfortunately, this is the case. They have adult sons and daughters out of the house, money to share, and horniness to overcome. Most importantly, they are experienced in the game.

Contrasting the two, the final decision will be based off of where a man is in his life. But before we get to that point, let’s look at the “tale of the tape.”

PYTs: USUALLY in great shape, breasts perky, energetic and full of life, impressionable, easier to enjoin, emotional, ambitious, impatient, sassy, naïve, nymphomaniacs and a bunch of other things.

Cougars: USUALLY paid, understanding, supportive, nurturing, attractive in a Phylicia Rashad kind of way, some attractive in a Pam Grier kind of way, have their own lives, PAID, have sexual appetite, less likely to want relationship and a bunch of other things.

Tough choice right? There is a thought that young girls are dumb and men only want them because they will listen to anything we say. Some women will say younger men can’t build anything with an older woman and we only want one because they will take care of us financially. Actually, *in my serious voice*, it’s really based on the person. If I don’t limit myself with looks, status, or culture, why would I limit myself with age. One never knows who compliments him. Now I’m not like one of my favorite old school rappers Big Daddy Kane who said he’ll take them “8 to 80, blind, cripple and crazy.” I do have a more realistic minimum and maximum. But that doesn’t mean your daughter in college or your young grandmother is not on the radar. Keep them out of my no fly zone.

If there is a lesson to be learned; the women in their 30s who want a man in his 30s should take some of the good qualities from the PYT and some of the good qualities from the Cougar. This way, she makes herself more versatile. Or, she can always wait till she graduates to a Cougar.

Does Size Really Matter?

Pause. With that said, the question is how much does a guy think about size? Being that we are men, do we really know what the appropriate size is? Should a guy be concerned? A man can only do what he can do; this is something a woman should be concerned with. If she loves him shouldn’t she understand and be acceptable of whatever she can get. Before I go any further, I’m going to allow you guys to get your minds out of the gutter I put them in. The size that I’m speaking of is in relation to engagement rings. And while I’m in that realm, I might as well touch on the size of weddings as well. People are getting out of control, and I understand why.

I have yet to propose to someone, but I will let you guys in on a secret. I did consider buying a special young lady an engagement ring some years ago. Sad day it was for me. My lack of knowledge depressed me. I know as much about jewelry as I know about The Real Housewives of Atlanta. All I know is that if I’m in Morningside Park kicking up dirt and I see one of those pink joints like they had in “Blood Diamond,” I’m stashing and getting out of there. Since my knowledge was limited, I did what any Stevie would do; I asked her what kind of ring she desired. Because I KNEW this was going to be my wife, the price of the Solitaire was not a concern to me, but my bank account did have some uncertainties. We know who won that battle.

If other issues didn’t arise, I would be married with a piece of metal as my first investment. Couple years out of college, of course it would have set a brother back. With her taste, who knows how much the wedding would have been. I would probably be consolidating debt as we speak. Sucker meter was on red because I was willing to do whatever. Looking back, something appears wrong with that picture. How much weight does a ring carry? I hear SINGLE women talking chit all the time about how their man better “come correct” with the ring or they are not saying yes. Is this really the case? Are women saying no to some guys because the diamond is microscopic? This is putting a lot of pressure on some men. I’m concerned that women are unfairly taking advantage of men who are under the influence. Today, if a woman who’s supposed to love me tells me her ring better be a certain size, I’m calling her bluff. I will get her the ring she wants, but I’m getting her the wood version.

I hear the rule is the ring should be worth three months of the man’s yearly salary (is that before or after taxes). There is also a rule that the wedding is supposed to be paid by the bride’s family. Is everyone following the rules? Let’s excuse ourselves from tradition sometimes, it’s hurting us. Posts ago, I discussed the importance of communication. Honest communication will help avoid any issues in the future when it comes to sizes of rings and weddings. There are many considerations that should be discussed. Does the couple have plans to buy a home? What is the job status and financial situation of the couple? Is the honeymoon preference Miami or the Ivory Coast? I’m not saying this as a plea to allow for a guy to be excused for buying a cheap ring or having a modest wedding. I’m simply saying that the type of ring and size of wedding a woman desires says a lot about her personality. The type of ring and size of wedding a man is willing to pay for says a lot about his personality. Women and men can avoid future strain on a relationship if they know if they are ring and wedding size preference compatible. Wouldn’t a man be more willing to help with the arduous planning of the wedding if he didn’t feel he was being raped on the cost? He may cooperate, but is he happy? Doesn’t he have the right to be happy about his wedding too? Some women are shaking there heads no to that one.

For those women out there in relationships who feel the proposal coming any day now and have felt that way for three or four years, ask yourself, “what’s taking him so long? Is he still saving for my ring?”

From Karrine Steffans to Edie Falco?

I’m sorry but that’s the best title I could come up with. “Superhead to Claire” sounded cool, but it didn’t move me. My original title was ‘From Hoes to Housewives.’ My brother told me that was a little too vulgar, so I decided to fall back. But I refuse to fall back on the topic. By now, I hope you’ve guessed the subject matter. And if you know like I know, it’s a very dynamic subject. Its so many directions I can go with this.

First and foremost, although I know I’m going to be judged, I want everyone to know that I am not Captain Save-A-Hoe. But with that said, don’t whores need love too? Most will say they don’t. Hussies have been dividing the female race for ions. And for that reason, there are “good” women out there that believe they don’t deserve love. The more prestigious class of women despises these women because they give good women bad names. These floozies make it difficult for good women to dress sexy or provocative without being misjudged. Wives have to fight everyday to prove their love to their husbands because of these courtesans. There are men out there that believe harlots should not get anything but hard $*@& and bubble gum. Jezebels have been around causing rifts since BC. Some would say they need to be purged like my college courses when Howard University realized the scholarship didn’t come through. Unfortunately, I don’t think they are going anywhere, so hopefully the whore haters have learned to live amongst them.

What’s sad is that there is a double standard. Men will never get such a bad rap. As adolescents, men and women were raised differently when it came to matters of sex. If you’re a boy, you’re basically pressured to have sex as soon as possible. Teenage boys are constantly taunted by male adults for the purpose of joining the “getting your nuts out of the sand” brotherhood. It may not be blatant, but it’s definitely insinuated to some extent. If a boy hasn’t had sex by the time most of his friends have, the thoughts are “he either doesn’t like girls”, “he has no game”, or “he’s just wack.” No father or uncle is accepting of either of those options. Boys even receive congratulatory remarks by women if they can get a lot of girls or have a lot of girls that are attracted to them.

For girls, the situation is almost the complete opposite. Some females aren’t allowed to have a date before college. So sex is definitely out of the question. And don’t let it be known to the family that a girl has had sex, its news like a governor getting caught with a prostitute. A girl’s promiscuous ways will NEVER be excused. “How did this happen?” “This cannot happen again.” I’ve heard of mothers learning that their daughter had sex and vowed with the daughter not to ever tell the father. Talk about secrets.

Promiscuous behavior by women was unacceptable while they were teens, but how is it for them as adults? Well they still are frowned upon as stated earlier, but since they obviously don’t have a hard time getting a man to have sex with them, they must be doing fairly well. Is it difficult for them to have a committed relationship with men? One would think so, but I don’t. Even if they are honest about their background, if presented the right way, I still believe they can bag a great man. Look at the movie “Pretty Girl,” I’m sure this storyline is typical. Google Darius McCrary and I bet Superhead comes up. For those of you that don’t know, Darius aka Eddie Winslow married Karrine Steffans. Talented she is, but her track record is far from impressive. I don’t know if young Winslow is a great guy, but I would bet my left hand that he knows of Superhead. Knowing this, he still allowed himself to fall under her spell. I would believe there are more Eddie Winslows and more Superheads roaming the dating world.

Unfortunately, all bizzas won’t have the same luck as Best Selling Author Karrine Steffans (can’t believe ya’ll bought her book). I saw some footage (so what, I downloaded it for free), and I’m sorry, but all whores can’t be that talented. Back in the day, if someone had a bad reputation, they would simply relocate. The internet has “deaded” that option. A reputation will follow a person as if they were on twitter. Personally, I don’t think they should run from their history. Someone’s past does not necessarily define their future. Although a whore’s rap sheet may be a little nasty, it does not determine her character. Like I previously stated, I am not Captain Save-A-Hoe, but they do exist. There is someone for everyone. If a whore is blessed enough to find herself a good man, she should consider that as her second chance. Even after being disappointed by Ginger in the movie “Casino,” I’m still cheering for you guys. But please don’t let me down like Lebron did Cleveland. Take your talents to a good guy, but remember, the whoring has to stop!

By the way, there is no nice way to say whore, harlot, floozy, hussy, hoe, bizza, or courtesan. Trust me, I tried.

Andshewonderswhy Presents "The Ideal Black Man"

The Ideal Black Man... Who is he? Do you know him? Where can you find him? Come join us as we discuss this trendy topic in the black dating world.

Monday, November 29 · 6:30pm - 9:00pm

6:30pm - Mix & Mingle w/ $5 beer and $7 cocktail drink specials

7:15pm - Panel Discussion. There will be debate, laughter, networking and more drinks! All a combination for a good time.

Dress to impress. This will be a filmed event.

Fashion Forty Lounge
202 West 40th Street Between 7th and 8th Ave.
New York, NY

This Commitment Thing May Not Be So Bad

Yesterday’s, today’s, and tomorrow’s elephant in the room is the Open Relationship. So many people are against it, yet these are the same people that are participants. It’s like the guy that says he’s not a blogger and then he looks up and he’s submitted 31 blog posts. Go figure.

Open Relationships. For some reason these words are really bad words to people. They rather say “oh, I’m talking to one or twenty people.” Let’s stop kidding ourselves; most of us are single and dating. Majority of those people dating are having sex with more than one person. I’m assuming more males than females but you know what they say when you assume. Even still, we know that people are having sex. Birth control pills, condoms and clinics all went multi-platinum. So you have a choice. Define what your doing or not. If you don't, I will. Or wikipedia will.

Wikipedia defines an open relationship as a relationship in which the people involved agree that they want to be together, but in which romantic or sexual relationships with additional people are accepted, permitted or tolerated. The Open Relationship happens to have a broad umbrella. If you’re a picky person like me, you have options. The Open Relationship menu actually may fit your particular need if you’re considering it.

Polygamy: marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time.

Polygyny: where a man has multiple, simultaneous wives.

Polyandry: where a woman has multiple, simultaneous husbands, or a "group marriage" where the family unit consists of multiple husbands and multiple wives.

Polyfidelity: relationships that place strict restrictions on partners.

Swinging: relationships permit sex outside the primary relationship, but not love or behavior, in which partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other people, sometimes referred to as recreational or social sex.

Polymory: the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

See, I told you that you could tailor this thing to fit you. And most people do. I read somewhere that there were an estimated more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States. Now if that survey is performed the same way the census is performed, that number is really like 1,500,000. Haven’t decided if that is scary or not.

Structure in an Open Relationship sounds like honor amongst thieves. It makes no sense. It’s almost like there are by-laws. You mean to tell me I have to be committed to being uncommitted to a commitment. Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee did it. The mayor? “Mayor aint never hurt nobody,” it must be ok right? But after experimenting with the concept and even abiding by the rules, they decided to stop.

The only thing good about an Open Relationship is there should be no pressure to have honest communication. Jason says, “babe, I can’t talk right now, I’m with Tameka. She’s spending the night. I will get up with you tomorrow.” Michelle replies “ok, cool. I will go chill with Robert. Hit me in the afternoon, you know Rob and I usually go to brunch when he comes through.” Who says commitments are not made?

To me, an Open Relationship is not a relationship. You are either in a relationship or you are not. The amount of arguments that will come from an Open Relationship will make Tina and Ike sad. No offense, but women are not built to handle these types of situations. We all know how this story ends. The woman loses every way possible. She may be allowed to spend time with other men, but the man she really wants is dividing his time. And since most men are biotches, they will not totally approve of her sleeping with other men. This brings us to reality. The reality is that most of us who are single are in undefined Open Relationships. Women want to play. Men want to play. Women want to lock men down. Men want to lock women down. They can’t lock them down. They don’t want to be locked down. Women and men settle for the undefined Open Relationship until they get bored and they want more. They get tired of playing the game. They get tired of wondering if they are owed more. They get mad because they are not given more. If you are at this point this could be a good thing. As a matter of fact, its never a bad thing.

Always on My Job

During a regular week, working accounts for at least one-third of the time spent not sleeping. In other words, that's a lot of damn working. Someone please Google the man who invented work. I need to know if this is what he envisioned. I think I should move to Europe. I mean, who really wants to work. So while some of us complain about this somewhat necessary evil, others are making lemonade out of lemons. Depending on where you work, your second home has potential for more benefits than Aetna could ever offer.

Fellas, lets reminisce for a moment. Ladies you can join if it applies, if not, just pretend it does. Remember those first days of class at high school and/ or college. While your parents were asking you about the teacher, books, class size and subject matter, your boys were inquiring about the females in class. Ladies I'm sure some of you conversed about the boys in class. Some were lucky enough to be blessed with a plethora of the attractive women. For me, it was always slim pickings, so whenever there was one, I acted accordingly. A cute girl was always motivation to not get kicked out of chemistry class. Damn, those were the days.

After hitting the wrong button on the hot tub time machine, we find ourselves at work. Some people love their job, and others hate theirs. Chitty job or not, every man creates a scouting report for the talent at the workplace. How else are we supposed to get through the day? Fortunately for women (and men), men (and women) are required to keep these thoughts to themselves. The laws of the land don’t allow men (and women) to be as perverse and obnoxious as some of them would be at a lounge or in the streets. *in my best mob boss voice* “It’s just not good for business.” So compliments, flirting and staring have to be kept to a respectful minimum. Fortunately like most laws, there is some bending. And both the male and female participate, literally and figuratively. And I’m all for it. As a matter of fact, I believe that the work setting is an ideal place to meet the opposite sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an advocate for professionalism, productivity and efficiency. These things should come first. But when there’s a chance to play, put your sneakers on. I’ve heard plenty of women say they don't date co-workers. To that, I say “restrictions are made for people with lack of foresight.” Working with someone offers a unique opportunity to learn about them. This is a side of them that one is not afforded if they met them at any other place. There is a true side that will be seen. Some people are really passionate about what they do, and this passion will leave part of their character exposed. Even if they hate their job, part of their character is still exposed. Ladies if you pay attention, you will see if this guy is ambitious. Does he work well with others? Is he a “yes man?” Is he a leader or a follower? Does he take pride in what he does? Is he punctual? No matter if you conceal or reveal your intentions, he still has to be himself because he has to perform his work duties efficiently if he wants to continue receiving a pay check. If the stars are aligned, there is a chance to have romance and finance in the same place. Lunch breaks and after work events present opportunities to explore romantic possibilities. If both parties remain professional and act as adults, even if the relationship does not materialize, it was worth the risk. Ladies, I’m not ignoring the fact that some of you and some of us are crazy and a bad ending could be disastrous. A bad ending is possible anywhere, but since it’s at work, maybe that will encourage you to make better choices on the men you choose. But don’t totally dismiss the idea.

My final words are stay professional, stay out of sight of cameras, keep him a secret lover until he is an “official” lover, and make sure you clean up after yourselves. Peace.

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Switch! Not!

After recently watching the movie Casablanca for the first time, I have one word to describe it. Classic! If you’ve never seen Casablanca, make sure you go check it. I forgot that Humphrey Bogart starred in the film. Although he’s a sucker for love to an extent, he plays one of the smoothest characters ever in a movie. Made me want to go shopping for a white blazer, read some of my old Iceberg Slim books and call a girl I have no chance with. Talk about inspiration. Bogart’s character Rick is also all about business. So much that sometimes he’s considered cold-blooded with no scruples. He eventually shows he has some principles besides money and himself. At the end of the movie, he can easily steal a woman (woman that broke his heart) from her husband, but he decides to let the husband keep her. We can all hypothesize on why he let her go. In the movie Rick told Ilsa, that he was doing it for her own good. Some will say he could never trust her. Whether it's true or not, that's what this post is about. Someone asked me years ago whether or not a guy can trust his girlfriend if he stole her from another guy. This sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.

My first answer is “HELL NO. Don’t do it homie.” This goes against all the player rules we learned as we grew up. But before I channel my inner A Pimp Named SlickBack, I reconsider. I reassess and realize that this is not a black and white issue. Lust or the opposite of it may be involved so shades of gray are definitely present. But to eliminate some of those shades, there are questions that must be answered. I don’t care if the guy gets Dick Tracy, Inspector Gadget and Roger Rabbit, he better get some answers if he doesn’t want to be a victim like scrams before him. If she wants to be trusted, she needs to either cooperate or put that move on him where he won’t care until it’s too late. But for discussion sake, let’s say she doesn’t possess that move and even if she did, we are not dealing with a square that will let his thoughts be clouded. These are the type of questions he needs answered. Is this act a habit? How was she stolen? How many times has she cheated? Does she appear to like the new guy more than the first guy or is this just a phase? How long have they known each other? How dishonest and what ways were she dishonest in past relationship? How was the past relationship? Was she dating OJ mixed with a little Chris Brown? Or was it a beautiful relationship and she just got bored? Was she compatible with her ex? What type of guy was the ex-boyfriend? What type of guy is new boyfriend? Does the new guy have similarities with ex? At what point in the relationship did she start cheating with the guy?

Yes, I know the list of questions is exhaustive, but it’s necessary like the security at the airport. And unless ALL answers are good, she shouldn’t be getting on his plane. We’ve all heard of warming signs and red flags in relationships. Wifing up the girl that was stolen from her ex-boyfriend falls in that category. Why would a guy drive himself crazy? I have yet to steal someone’s girl and wife her, but for the guy who has or will, I don’t know how he could be completely confident that he wont be the next victim unless he’s either naïve or arrogant. For the fellas who are considering this act, play at your own risk. And for the ladies, why leave your boyfriend, keep both guys. Noooooo, I’m only kidding, if you can, before you cheat, simply end the relationship. Everyone wins!

ALL CARDS UP

What do men do to earn the trust of a female? Ladies, if that’s the question for the day, today the blog is known as “Excuse Me, She’s Talking” as I wonder why I don’t have an answer for that question. I am willing to answer the question “what I am willing to do to earn the trust of a female,” but to that first question, I simply don’t have the answer. It doesn’t matter the class, the race, or the age, some women will say they trust, but deep down they really don’t. I have my own assumptions about what it takes to earn trust, but by no means do I believe they are correct 100% of the time. Maybe the women can explain what they expect a man to do to earn their trust. When you do explain, be honest with us and yourselves.

Man should be able to start any form of relationship with a clean slate. He should not be expected to do anything that he is not capable of nor anything that he has never accomplished. If he knows he's busy because the Heat are playing the Celtics on opening night of the NBA season, he shouldn't have to lie and say his grandmother's sick because he doesn't want his new piece to know that he plans his social life around sporting events (see October post "Does There Have to Be a Balance"). There should be a grace period where a man and woman are learning each other. They should be creating a model of themselves. What is he consistent with vs what does he struggle with. What does he like doing vs what is he willing to do for the sake of pleasing the woman. Does he lie when he's late vs does he tell the truth when he's drunk. All the damn questions that have yet to be answered. For these reasons, I don’t think I’ve ever entered a situation where I wanted to make sure a woman trusted me. She does or she doesn't? Maybe I didn’t care or maybe this was something I didn’t feel I had trouble with. Maybe it's cocky behavior. I feel that only a guilty person has to make an effort to earn trust. This is something that should be natural and should not be pre-meditated. I’m not knocking the guy that goes crazy trying to make sure a woman trusts him, but I wouldn’t do it because I don't consciously set myself up for failure. His actions could possibly be giving the girl a false sense of what is reality. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but she should understand that the guy will have some mental breaks where he makes mistakes that may seem like he is untrustworthy when he actually is trustworthy. I don’t believe in adding unnecessary pressure to any situation, especially to myself.

For example, by show of hands, how many guys have heard a woman say “all men cheat?” By another show of hands, how many women believe that all men cheat? My point exactly. How can a man be expected to earn trust when he’s being prejudged on the actions of a few bad apples? There is a young lady I met some years ago that did the most interesting thing to help determine whether she could trust me. I’m not sure the reason for her doing it, whether she did this with all the guys she met, or if she just came up with this on the spot. For all I know, this could have been her way of running game. Maybe she will tell me after she reads this post since we are still cool. But if she was sincere in her actions, it said a lot about her and she learned a lot about me. Ok, I will hold you in suspense no longer. It was either our first or second time hanging out. We are sitting at the table waiting for our food and she slides me her cell phone and asks for me to slide her mine. If I recall, I hesitated. I’m thinking “damn, I didn’t erase those last text messages.” Or, “oh chit, what if she looks at my saved pictures.” My friend is dope, and I’m a sucker for dope girls, of course I gave her my phone. We had a conversation about the stuff in each other’s phone and really learned a lot about each other. One would be surprised how much a cell phone can define a person. Like I said, she could have been g’ing me, especially since after I got to know her I realized she’s a brilliant woman. Either way, this little exercise led to her being a friend that I can talk to about anything and depend on. I can actually say I trust her. I’m assuming she trusts me too. Although some people may think it’s corny, I recommend the cell phone exchange. But be fair, don’t sift through your cell phone prior to proposing the exchange.

Beware though, it can backfire. What if he or she does not want to exchange? Think about that for a second, maybe it didn’t backfire.

Fast-Forward to the Past

As we get older, our lives get busier. We don't speak or hang with our friends as much. Some of them are in relationships and some have kids. Some of them live in other cities. It gets to the point where if you want to hang with all your friends at the same time, you have to check with everyone's schedule and set a date. Fast forward to the future and that day finally arrives. You heard that the spot you are scheduled to party at will be a good look for the night. The outfits are ready to be unleashed. The kids are at the babysitter. The boyfriends are watching the fight. The temperature of the shower water was just right. Food is in the system. You and the crew had a few warm up drinks so you don’t help contribute to making the club owner rich. Basically, it’s on! This should be a fun filled evening.

The crew has found parking. You guys got in the spot without an ounce of hate from the bouncers. Everyone is happy with the table’s location. You’ve been there forty-five minutes and everyone is partying hard and enjoying each other’s company. Then something happens. Someone’s ex-boyfriend shows up. Not a recent ex either. This ex hasn’t been seen in a while. But he came back like the kid that got stomped out in “Menace to Society.” Everyone’s impressed, even his former haters. Everyone remembers the break-up, but no one cares to think about it till they realize their friend has been at the bar chillin’ with comeback kid ALL night. Nobody wants to complain about how they’ve been waiting so long to hang with each other and this particular friend decided to be occupied with an old fling. It also doesn’t help that she is single and has been meeting nothing but squares lately. They're laughing, drinking, smiling, touching, hugging, and they’re close enough that wait, are they kissing? Hell yeah, they're definitely kissing. “Say it aint so.” Unless someone wakes up from lala land, someone is getting dusted off tonight.

The next few days or weeks are the important ones. This is when one or both parties sober up from the liquor or the lust. Then the question is presented. Should this person get involved with their ex-boyfriend? Let's consider the pros and cons. Let’s review the risks and the rewards. But first let's be clear, if you were only “talking”, bed buddies, friends with benefits or anything less than boyfriend and girlfriend, this entire post is N/A. Only official relationships are susceptible to ALL of the issues. Unless you were in a relationship you don’t really know this person.

Pros: Familiarity. This pretty much covers everything. Hopefully each person was appreciated enough that they took the time to really know each other. It can also be exciting if the person has changed some of their ways or has made some great accomplishments during the break.

Cons: Familiarity. The person may have had some flaws that previously bothered the chit out of you. The issue that caused the break-up is usually still an issue. If this person has not changed, one may be tricked into thinking that this person changed. Similar to when you meet a new person, they are going to give their best in the beginning. You have to invest time in order to find out if the changes are real. This could be a waste of time. Also, is this an admission that the desired soul mate does not exist? This could be interpreted as settling.

In this situation, there is no right or wrong answer. Although I have a rule, it would be wrong for me to suggest that someone else follow the rule. It’s all about what is important to you. Remember your list; check it as if it were a lottery ticket that you had four out of five numbers right. Double check if you need to. I don’t need to check my list. The only rule I have besides never settling for what’s not on my list is NEVER GOING BACKWARDS!