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Sunday, January 16, 2011

Nobody Talking About You

Ladies, have you ever eavesdropped on your man while he was with his boys? You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Some years back I went on a trip with one of my best friends Chuck. We were in our hotel room talking big chit about a certain female. Well actually it was mostly me doing all the talking. Chuck mostly watched and laughed as I was very demonstrative about my “true” feelings. Five minutes into this animation slash conversation, we hear a knock on the door. I would like to order two BBM surprised faces for me and my friend. He nor I didn’t say a word, but we both heard each other say, “Who the f#$k is that!?” I will not insult your intelligence by telling you who knocked on the door. But we know whose face I saw when I opened the door. That situation eventually worked itself out, but let’s say that day me and that female learned a lot about each other. Love you if you’re reading.

Every female should want to be a fly on the wall. Not in the sense where they are being nosy though. At first thought, I couldn't believe that there are women that actually want to know what guys talk about. Why do you care ladies? On second thought, I figured the same way I wonder what women talk about, women may be thinking along the same lines. I guess it is important to understand what goes on in a man’s head when he is in his most normal, relaxed state. When a man is around his boys, there’s a good chance that he is truly himself. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, the subject matter discussed amongst male friends is limitless.

Because a guy’s friends are important, when a woman commits to a man, she is committing to his friends to some degree. Men probably have more male friends than women have female friends. Some friends are involved on a daily basis and others have an influence so strong that they can reside 1000 miles away and still speak without speaking. But no matter what, conversations are happening. If you think we are talking about it, guess what, we are. It can be something important, or something very frivolous and stooopid. Ladies you can downplay it and think that these conversations are trivial, but guess what; a man’s friends are his “brain trust.” Although he is making the executive decision (you hope so), there’s a chance that he is channeling input from others. Ladies beware of your man’s brain trust. Beware of the guy that your man listens to the most? Is this friend the serious, shy, humorous, hood, professional, outgoing, militant, down-to-earth or stuck-up friend?
Be sure you understand the reasoning behind your man’s voice of reason. You almost have to know him as much as you know your man. This is true even if you are not a couple. There’s a good chance that that voice of reason has a guest pillow for those barn burner pillow talks you are having.

What are the guys discussing? This is a preview: Who are the new joints? Who's currently on the roster? Does she have friends? Hook me up with her. Did you smash? Did you at least get the head? Was it good? Pass off. You know all p*#@y aint good p*#@y? You went in her raw, you’re bugging. Yo, I think she’s crazy. What do you plan on doing with her? I heard she’s married? You’re thinking about hanging up your jersey? She's a good look for you, are you going to wife her? She's not better than the last one. Do you think she will make you a better person? I don’t like her, but I will be the best man.

That’s the “PG, I got a blog version.” But trust me, the conversations can be crazy if you’re not used to it and the point of views can sometimes come from left field. It behooves a woman to know who her man or prospect for a man is having this dialogue with. You need to know whether this guy is a potential ally or enemy. You need to strategically keep him close if you want to understand some of your man’s movements. No one tells one person everything, so don’t be that arrogant to think that you are the one that knows everything. But knowing about the talks and more importantly the characters talking, you are that much closer.

8 comments:

  1. Es, I think you read my mind with this topic. A few days ago, my sister and I had a conversation about how men talk to their boys more than women talk to their girls. We also said... dare I be stoned by all men... men are more emotional than women, but of course they’ll never admit it. Lol!

    “Because a guy’s friends are important, when a woman commits to a man, she is committing to his friends to some degree.” The first time I realized the severity of this statement was when I dated this guy about 2 years ago. He didn’t waste any time in having me meet his friends. Our third or fourth date was to Dave & Buster for happy hour with his friends. He told me beforehand with a serious face that his boys were important to him and he stated it again at the end of the night, this time with a big grin on his face. Apparently, I had passed the friend test making me worthy of sticking around longer. Smh!

    Now I’m not knocking male friendship at all. Actually after dealing with an introvert who didn’t have many friends, I think male friendship is vital to a couples’ longevity. Believe it or not, the people around us do aide in creating balance in a relationship. However, my concern is what Es mentioned as the “Executive Decision.” Some men are independent enough to get their friend’s feedback but still make their own decisions while others (I almost want to say most) will get rid of a girl they like if their friends disapprove. To me, meeting a guy’s friends is a bigger step than meeting his family. Chances are when you meet the family, your man has already decided that you’re here to stay. It’s confirmation of his commitment to you. But, when you meet his boys it’s still deciding time. The encounter could make or break your existence with him. That’s a lot of pressure in some cases. Lol!

    Es great topic! I have two questions for the men... 1. How do you decide who is your voice of reason? Is it your friend with the great relationship track record or just the one you’ve known/trusted the longest? 2. What are your thoughts on dealing with women and their friends?

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  2. Where is everyone this week? Mighty? Pabvon? Samantha? Ms. Christie Love?

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  3. Hey there!
    I didn't really know how to comment. So... I reread it.
    My only 2 cents are I agree that knowing who your bf/gf's friends are is important but does it weigh so heavily that, should you NOT like the friend you might want to consider breaking up with your boo or trust that your boo is making his/her own decisions?
    And do men feel the same for women's friends? I do wish I could be a fly on the wall at times but I'd much rather my man just tell me honestly how he feels about me or at the VERY least show me by his coinciding actions.
    (Long side bar: Most of the men I know, once they see how many girlfriends I have said, very defensively I might add... "I hope your girls aren't all in our business" To which I reply -paraphrasing loosely- no more than your boys are.)
    ALL women KNOW how the friends feel about us, we aren't dumb, we just play it well. We can tell by the glances when they genuinely like us and hope their boy does right by us, or whether they think or hope we are just the flavor of the month, or whether they think "poor girl is wasting her time" and (Wait for it....) "She's hot if my man mess up I’m ALL over that!"
    I agree with you Lady T meeting the friends is WAY more crucial than meeting the family. However I’m happy to say I've never met a group of family or friends that didn't like me... I didn't care for some of them but that's another story lol.

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  4. Women think men talk more than they do and that might be true, BUT our talks are WAY more loose and trivial for lack of a better word. Where some women can talk for hours to their girl about a guy she is dating, our talk last half the time if that and like my esteem colleague ES said, the conversation usually revolves around what he said in the second to last paragraph. We aren't getting all mushy with the homies with hearts in our eyes and butterflies in our stomachs. If we do have a good catch, the most we do is admit to "hanging it up." We don't get in a circle with wine and ask, "tell me all about her! how does she make you feel. I'm so happy for you!" Just doesn't happen.

    Women will never understand the "guy bond" and the time we need to just kick it with the homies and get from under you for 2 mins. Why do we seek approval from the Board of Homies? Because, we want you to be able to fall into the fold seemlessly. We don't want to take you somewhere and you can't interact with the "fam" and embarass us. Mind you, if we're into you, but for some reason the homies aren't, we will keep you around, you just won't be attending too many group functions. The homies are the advisory board, but I'm the President. Their influence may weigh heavy, but I make the final decision.

    To answer your question Lady T,
    1) it depends on the relationship status. If this is girl has real wifey potential I don't think anyone can deter us if she is not flawed. If she is a well documented slore and the homies bring it up then its up for debate.
    2) I don't care about dealing with a woman and her friends. Hopefully she will be of sound mind that she can make decisions for herself. I dealt with woman who have pessimistic, angry, men aint sh*t friend and other who have positive, optimistic friends and I treat both groups the same, IGNORE!

    Remain honest and lead by example and the naysayers and "Board of angry ass, bitter, jealous girlfriends" won't be able to break up a potentially happy home.

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  5. @Pabvon – I agree with everything you said, especially knowing what the glances mean. Thankfully I’ve never gotten the flavor of the month look, but I have seen "She's hot if my man mess up I’m ALL over that!" Lol!

    @MightyDR – Your description of women talking about men made me crack up! LOL! It really is true. When women talk about men, the conversation could be neverending and can go anywhere from rolling laughter to full on sobbing tears.

    As for the "Board of angry a**, bitter, jealous girlfriends" I can’t even get on you about that. It’s the reason why my convos about any man I like are reserved to a VERY small circle and at times that circle is non-existent. The truth for everyone, not just women, is that a person’s current life situation affects the advice they give. Therefore, I preface all my dating advice with, “I’ll give you my opinion but do what you feel you need to do. When you’ve had enough and it’s time to let him go you’ll know.” That’s how I deal with any advice given to me.

    Just like men feel women don’t get the “guy bond,” I think men sometimes put too much emphasis on the “girl bond.” I hate when a guy says “Oh, is that what your girls told you to say/do?” just cause I disagreed with him. So, my one tidbit to men is that no matter what category a woman’s friends fit into, do not assume that her actions and decisions are based on the advice her friends give her. Many of us are capable of being Presidents of our advisory board.

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  6. HERE HERE, TOUCHE, YOU TELL 'EM GURL, I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT and HMPH or any other saying that shows that I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with your last paragraph Lady T lol
    It gets under my skin when men equate my differing (from theirs) opinion or dismiss it as me just "listening to my girls" UM Bro if you took some time to get to know my "board of trustees" you'd know we don't even roll like that. Now your statement sir has just put you on the "countdown to F&^$ off" list. I have my own brain and your statement lets me know you don't agree and maybe hope YOU are the puppet master of my thoughts and actions....NOT.

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  7. This blog post is spot on! Growing up as the only female around a bunch of guys, I've been privy to how men talk, and Lawd sometimes it is indeed worse then women.

    Thankfully, I've never had issues with any of the homies of a guy that I dated. And if I was interested in a dude that was so influenced by his homies, he would have to get the serious 'side eye'. That relationship would never materialize into anything worthwhile.

    Personally, I'm interested in who my man's close women friends are. I've found that they hold more influence than the homies. I know this from first hand experience. If one of the guys I grew up came to visit with the potential wifey, he'll will have a full report the next day on if she's good enough to 'wife up'. This is because he may be thinking with the wrong head, and would like a 2nd opinion LOL Harsh but true.

    Okay, my comment is going off-topic, so I'll end it now. Have a great weekend!

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  8. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when I'm being discussed.

    I agree that who your s.o. chooses to gush about you with is important. My ex had a lot of "frenemies". Boys that didnt want to see him in a healthy relationship, thus sacrificing a "scorer" for their team. They'd encourage him to cheat, ridicule him for coming home on time or passing on attractive women for my sake. They were all single, unhappy (even the married ones) so it was a crabs in the barrell attitude generally. A lot of them would flirt with me, hoping I'd entertain them, to prove that i wasn't sincere or worthy of his fidelity. So, yea, your boys can make or break your relationship. He missed a lot of the obvious manipulation, because thats not what he expected from them so...

    I definitely give my close friends the scoop on anyone im dealing with, but I always try to keep a filter on when listening to their responses.

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