Keep Your New Year's Resolutions To Yourself

Here we are in the last week of the year. Everyone is scrambling trying to make sure they end 2010 and start 2011 right. People are excited because they almost feel like its out with the old and in with the new. As usual, the discussions these days center around, “What are your New Year’s resolutions?” And people are no where near short of creativity with the things they come up with. Especially when their resolutions are relationship related. Women are voicing their determination to have a boyfriend. And men are vowing to finally commit to a girlfriend. Maybe not.

Personally, I don’t make any New Year’s resolutions. So although I am single, I doubt that I will be making any New Year’s relationship resolutions. I’m not knocking anyone who does, but I believe that making New Year’s resolutions are another way we lie to ourselves. Around September people start saying to themselves, “I can’t wait till next year,” or “it’s going to be different next year.” So what happens, they wait three months to put this unjust pressure on themselves and rarely fulfill these requirements they set. By September of the next year, the same quotes are repeated.

With all that being said, please forgive me when I laugh at the question “will one of my resolutions be to have a girlfriend?” Whoever makes a New Year’s resolution to be in a relationship, please put your head down and walk out of the room. What type of foolishness is that? Anyone that makes a resolution to either have a girlfriend or boyfriend is clearly missing the point. They are already making the task of finding someone that much more difficult. I know about the whole ‘positive visualization’ mumbo jumbo (which I actually believe works) where you have to put it out there in the universe for it to happen. Cool, but be careful, because that may not be the only thing that is being put out in the universe. If you’ve read anything I wrote this year, you know how I feel about rules and schedules. Unless you’re at work, they only limit and prohibit. There is no timetable on when like, lust or love when develop. So for the woman that implies that she wants to be in a relationship by a certain date, on our date, I’m the man that will be going to the bathroom and not coming back. If I were courting this person, why wouldn’t I second guess whether this person is really being true and not simply introducing me to an image that they think I want to see for the purpose of my commitment? AT&T and I had beef the other day because they had me sign a contract and didn’t fully explain our agreement. When I threatened to leave their ass, that’s when they all of a sudden want to settle disputes. We now have an amicable relationship. I don’t want to go through this with a woman that I thought I liked.

It is your prerogative if you want to make your New Year’s resolution to be in a relationship by 2012. All I recommend is that you let things happen naturally. As the saying goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.” Give your potential mate the opportunity to make an educated decision on whether they want to help you with your resolution. There’s a chance it may not happen till 2013, but at least you know there is a good chance you won’t have to make that resolution again. You can now focus on working out more consistently or going to church more or having an improved relationship with your incarcerated brother; whatever you’ve decided to choose as your resolutions.

Setting goals for the upcoming year is trendy and somewhat important but be careful not to create limits for yourself. I think it’s much more important to encapsulate what you’ve experienced the previous year. On New Year’s Eve I usually have a moment of silence with myself where I reflect. During this time of reflection, there are numerous things I focus on. What went right? What went wrong? What were the pleasant surprises? Was there progression from the prior year? Did you have better friendships? Were your relationships improved? What did you learn from those relationships? Use all of this information to naturally become a better person. Great things happen to great people.

I want to thank everyone who has ever logged on, repeated andshewonderswhy during sex, posted a comment, suggested a post topic, or shared the site with a friend. I know we have fun, but believe it or not, the blog works; I have text messages, emails and taped telephone conversations (just kidding) that prove it. People are making better relationship decisions. Everyone who has participated is responsible. For that reason, I have no choice but to continue. You have truly made my 2010 a great year. I hope that I helped make yours great. There are big things happening in 2011. Please, please stay tuned. Follow me @EsWild21 on Twitter and send me (Es Wild) a friend request on Facebook.

Tired of Belts

Ok, so it’s the last weekend to shop for Christmas/ Kwanzaa gifts, I get it. You don't know what to get your man. You need advice, maybe I can help. He’s tired of wallets, ties, and gift certificates. Your excuse is either he has everything or he wants nothing. This is why the man is usually the one who suffers during this gift giving escapade. Men are men, so we may not complain or make a big deal about the garbage gift we receive (not all are garbage, said that for affect). We take the gift and throw it with the rest of the “gifts we will never use.” Some women take advantage of the fact that we don't complain. I interpret it as some women are simply lazy. Not lazy to the extent that they will not spend an entire day out on the town shopping, but lazy in that they are not willing to push themselves to come up with a unique, thoughtful gift. Ladies, we appreciate the hours you put in, but as the saying goes, “Work smart, not hard.”

A week ago, I observed Secret Santa gift exchanging. The gifts that the women gave each had them very excited. Lots of hugging, kissing and smiling. The men, well they smiled and were just happy to receive their cologne, scarves and pocket knives. Since my secret Santa ran up on me earlier that week and damn near snatched the tag out my shirt to see my size, I already knew I was getting a shirt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. But there is usually not much intrigue involved. If you know me, you know I'm pretty low maintenance. I don't ask for much. But if you do get a gift, I like practical, creative gifts. I’m pretty sure most men feel the same way.

One of the best gifts I ever received was from my ex-girlfriend. The gift served so many purposes. First, it was not a Christmas gift. It was a “just-because” gift. Those types usually mean more than any other type of gift. I know it’s the holidays so just-because gifts are not applicable at this moment. But women can still think of a way to make it more special than just a holiday gift. What my ex gave me was a two-item gift, but they were presented at the same time. Delivered in a nice, little gift bag, it was not overtly feminine, but something I could walk in the street with if I needed to transport it. Another key thing about the gift is that the relationship was still fresh. She hadn't known me a long time. So I was surprised, very risky. I hate surprises, unless they are great ones. The first part of the gift was a framed picture of her. From our conversations and interactions, she knew how I loved beauty (which she represented) and she knew how much I liked pictures. I don't remember if I asked for the picture, but I didn't expect it. This was pre-Black Planet and picture phone days (damn I just aged myself), so having pictures readily available was not the case (these kids are spoiled today). The second part of the gift is what sealed the deal. Like most couples we had our "favorite" conversations. You know those favorite conversations. "Aye girl, what's your favorite color...blue? Stop playing, that's mine too, I knew it! We're compatible." So during these talks she found out my favorite slow song was "Two Occasions" by Babyface and the Deele. I’m sure you can guess what else was in the bag. You guessed correctly, she bought me the Deele “Eyes of a Stranger” cd that featured this song. I totally forgot that we had the conversation. Of course I gave her all I had in the bedroom that night (lol, that means I was happy).

The moral of the story is that similar to women, the simple things matter to us men as well. We like a lot of money to be spent on us, but I recommend women buy gifts that will resonate over a long period of time. If you guys ever split, he will always remember that you were thoughtful. You will raise his standards. When it comes to gift giving, women after you will forever be judged on their creativity. It takes no effort to buy an expensive watch. A trip to the Bahamas can easily be purchased. Unless the woman gives a thousand pints of blood to earn the money, those gifts only mean what the guy probably already knows, that she has money. Depending on when you read this post, you have nine days left, more than enough time to be imaginative. If your gift is impressive, maybe you’ll get a nice gift back, next year.

Fellas, if you received a great gift in the past, tell the world your story in the comment section. Ladies, if you believe you have given great gifts in the past, save a relationship, please share. Happy Holidays and travel safely.

Louise vs Precious

Bored at my desk one day, I asked myself a very IMPORTANT question. PYT or Cougar? PYT or Cougar? PYT, Cougar? It’s a tough decision for some, but not so tough for me. I will take neither. I would love to have a woman that is in the same age range as me. We most likely are in same stage in our lives, we possibly have same desires, blah blah blah. Wait, maybe I’m lying. Yeeeeeaaaah, I think I am lying. I would not mind settling down with a woman my age, but its something about a younger and older woman that will always interest a man. At least interest me.


Before the women in my age group start with the dirty looks and inveigh against the movement, you guys should not be surprised when it comes to men going after younger women. Half of you ladies grew up pumping the myth that women mature earlier than men. Some of you took it a step further and even started dating older men while you were in your late teens and early twenties. So where does this leave us. Where did it leave us when we were younger? All of the superbad girls were messing with the older guys so we had to get in where we fit in. Maybe subconsciously it hurt our egos that our options were limited. I don’t know. I didn’t research this chit. Googling PYT and Cougar just didn’t feel right. Either way it goes, men are now making up for the days of the 21, 22, and 23 year olds evading them when they were 21, 22, and 23. The men are in there 30s and they are now the beneficiaries. A classic tale of history repeating itself.

But let’s not sleep on Cougars. People think they are making a come back, but I beg to differ. They’ve been around for a long time. In my hood, we’ve been calling them “Grandma Dynamites” for years. The only difference today is that they are more sophisticated, more attractive, and more “caked up” (that’s paid for those who don’t know). So with this new, improved plethora of single, older women, men’s choices have expanded exponentially. And although Viagra and Cialis are trying to make it an even playing field for men of all ages, the Cougars are still out there hunting young, fresh meat. Lol, that sounds disgusting. But unfortunately, this is the case. They have adult sons and daughters out of the house, money to share, and horniness to overcome. Most importantly, they are experienced in the game.

Contrasting the two, the final decision will be based off of where a man is in his life. But before we get to that point, let’s look at the “tale of the tape.”

PYTs: USUALLY in great shape, breasts perky, energetic and full of life, impressionable, easier to enjoin, emotional, ambitious, impatient, sassy, naïve, nymphomaniacs and a bunch of other things.

Cougars: USUALLY paid, understanding, supportive, nurturing, attractive in a Phylicia Rashad kind of way, some attractive in a Pam Grier kind of way, have their own lives, PAID, have sexual appetite, less likely to want relationship and a bunch of other things.

Tough choice right? There is a thought that young girls are dumb and men only want them because they will listen to anything we say. Some women will say younger men can’t build anything with an older woman and we only want one because they will take care of us financially. Actually, *in my serious voice*, it’s really based on the person. If I don’t limit myself with looks, status, or culture, why would I limit myself with age. One never knows who compliments him. Now I’m not like one of my favorite old school rappers Big Daddy Kane who said he’ll take them “8 to 80, blind, cripple and crazy.” I do have a more realistic minimum and maximum. But that doesn’t mean your daughter in college or your young grandmother is not on the radar. Keep them out of my no fly zone.

If there is a lesson to be learned; the women in their 30s who want a man in his 30s should take some of the good qualities from the PYT and some of the good qualities from the Cougar. This way, she makes herself more versatile. Or, she can always wait till she graduates to a Cougar.

Does Size Really Matter?

Pause. With that said, the question is how much does a guy think about size? Being that we are men, do we really know what the appropriate size is? Should a guy be concerned? A man can only do what he can do; this is something a woman should be concerned with. If she loves him shouldn’t she understand and be acceptable of whatever she can get. Before I go any further, I’m going to allow you guys to get your minds out of the gutter I put them in. The size that I’m speaking of is in relation to engagement rings. And while I’m in that realm, I might as well touch on the size of weddings as well. People are getting out of control, and I understand why.

I have yet to propose to someone, but I will let you guys in on a secret. I did consider buying a special young lady an engagement ring some years ago. Sad day it was for me. My lack of knowledge depressed me. I know as much about jewelry as I know about The Real Housewives of Atlanta. All I know is that if I’m in Morningside Park kicking up dirt and I see one of those pink joints like they had in “Blood Diamond,” I’m stashing and getting out of there. Since my knowledge was limited, I did what any Stevie would do; I asked her what kind of ring she desired. Because I KNEW this was going to be my wife, the price of the Solitaire was not a concern to me, but my bank account did have some uncertainties. We know who won that battle.

If other issues didn’t arise, I would be married with a piece of metal as my first investment. Couple years out of college, of course it would have set a brother back. With her taste, who knows how much the wedding would have been. I would probably be consolidating debt as we speak. Sucker meter was on red because I was willing to do whatever. Looking back, something appears wrong with that picture. How much weight does a ring carry? I hear SINGLE women talking chit all the time about how their man better “come correct” with the ring or they are not saying yes. Is this really the case? Are women saying no to some guys because the diamond is microscopic? This is putting a lot of pressure on some men. I’m concerned that women are unfairly taking advantage of men who are under the influence. Today, if a woman who’s supposed to love me tells me her ring better be a certain size, I’m calling her bluff. I will get her the ring she wants, but I’m getting her the wood version.

I hear the rule is the ring should be worth three months of the man’s yearly salary (is that before or after taxes). There is also a rule that the wedding is supposed to be paid by the bride’s family. Is everyone following the rules? Let’s excuse ourselves from tradition sometimes, it’s hurting us. Posts ago, I discussed the importance of communication. Honest communication will help avoid any issues in the future when it comes to sizes of rings and weddings. There are many considerations that should be discussed. Does the couple have plans to buy a home? What is the job status and financial situation of the couple? Is the honeymoon preference Miami or the Ivory Coast? I’m not saying this as a plea to allow for a guy to be excused for buying a cheap ring or having a modest wedding. I’m simply saying that the type of ring and size of wedding a woman desires says a lot about her personality. The type of ring and size of wedding a man is willing to pay for says a lot about his personality. Women and men can avoid future strain on a relationship if they know if they are ring and wedding size preference compatible. Wouldn’t a man be more willing to help with the arduous planning of the wedding if he didn’t feel he was being raped on the cost? He may cooperate, but is he happy? Doesn’t he have the right to be happy about his wedding too? Some women are shaking there heads no to that one.

For those women out there in relationships who feel the proposal coming any day now and have felt that way for three or four years, ask yourself, “what’s taking him so long? Is he still saving for my ring?”

From Karrine Steffans to Edie Falco?

I’m sorry but that’s the best title I could come up with. “Superhead to Claire” sounded cool, but it didn’t move me. My original title was ‘From Hoes to Housewives.’ My brother told me that was a little too vulgar, so I decided to fall back. But I refuse to fall back on the topic. By now, I hope you’ve guessed the subject matter. And if you know like I know, it’s a very dynamic subject. Its so many directions I can go with this.

First and foremost, although I know I’m going to be judged, I want everyone to know that I am not Captain Save-A-Hoe. But with that said, don’t whores need love too? Most will say they don’t. Hussies have been dividing the female race for ions. And for that reason, there are “good” women out there that believe they don’t deserve love. The more prestigious class of women despises these women because they give good women bad names. These floozies make it difficult for good women to dress sexy or provocative without being misjudged. Wives have to fight everyday to prove their love to their husbands because of these courtesans. There are men out there that believe harlots should not get anything but hard $*@& and bubble gum. Jezebels have been around causing rifts since BC. Some would say they need to be purged like my college courses when Howard University realized the scholarship didn’t come through. Unfortunately, I don’t think they are going anywhere, so hopefully the whore haters have learned to live amongst them.

What’s sad is that there is a double standard. Men will never get such a bad rap. As adolescents, men and women were raised differently when it came to matters of sex. If you’re a boy, you’re basically pressured to have sex as soon as possible. Teenage boys are constantly taunted by male adults for the purpose of joining the “getting your nuts out of the sand” brotherhood. It may not be blatant, but it’s definitely insinuated to some extent. If a boy hasn’t had sex by the time most of his friends have, the thoughts are “he either doesn’t like girls”, “he has no game”, or “he’s just wack.” No father or uncle is accepting of either of those options. Boys even receive congratulatory remarks by women if they can get a lot of girls or have a lot of girls that are attracted to them.

For girls, the situation is almost the complete opposite. Some females aren’t allowed to have a date before college. So sex is definitely out of the question. And don’t let it be known to the family that a girl has had sex, its news like a governor getting caught with a prostitute. A girl’s promiscuous ways will NEVER be excused. “How did this happen?” “This cannot happen again.” I’ve heard of mothers learning that their daughter had sex and vowed with the daughter not to ever tell the father. Talk about secrets.

Promiscuous behavior by women was unacceptable while they were teens, but how is it for them as adults? Well they still are frowned upon as stated earlier, but since they obviously don’t have a hard time getting a man to have sex with them, they must be doing fairly well. Is it difficult for them to have a committed relationship with men? One would think so, but I don’t. Even if they are honest about their background, if presented the right way, I still believe they can bag a great man. Look at the movie “Pretty Girl,” I’m sure this storyline is typical. Google Darius McCrary and I bet Superhead comes up. For those of you that don’t know, Darius aka Eddie Winslow married Karrine Steffans. Talented she is, but her track record is far from impressive. I don’t know if young Winslow is a great guy, but I would bet my left hand that he knows of Superhead. Knowing this, he still allowed himself to fall under her spell. I would believe there are more Eddie Winslows and more Superheads roaming the dating world.

Unfortunately, all bizzas won’t have the same luck as Best Selling Author Karrine Steffans (can’t believe ya’ll bought her book). I saw some footage (so what, I downloaded it for free), and I’m sorry, but all whores can’t be that talented. Back in the day, if someone had a bad reputation, they would simply relocate. The internet has “deaded” that option. A reputation will follow a person as if they were on twitter. Personally, I don’t think they should run from their history. Someone’s past does not necessarily define their future. Although a whore’s rap sheet may be a little nasty, it does not determine her character. Like I previously stated, I am not Captain Save-A-Hoe, but they do exist. There is someone for everyone. If a whore is blessed enough to find herself a good man, she should consider that as her second chance. Even after being disappointed by Ginger in the movie “Casino,” I’m still cheering for you guys. But please don’t let me down like Lebron did Cleveland. Take your talents to a good guy, but remember, the whoring has to stop!

By the way, there is no nice way to say whore, harlot, floozy, hussy, hoe, bizza, or courtesan. Trust me, I tried.

Andshewonderswhy Presents "The Ideal Black Man"

The Ideal Black Man... Who is he? Do you know him? Where can you find him? Come join us as we discuss this trendy topic in the black dating world.

Monday, November 29 · 6:30pm - 9:00pm

6:30pm - Mix & Mingle w/ $5 beer and $7 cocktail drink specials

7:15pm - Panel Discussion. There will be debate, laughter, networking and more drinks! All a combination for a good time.

Dress to impress. This will be a filmed event.

Fashion Forty Lounge
202 West 40th Street Between 7th and 8th Ave.
New York, NY

This Commitment Thing May Not Be So Bad

Yesterday’s, today’s, and tomorrow’s elephant in the room is the Open Relationship. So many people are against it, yet these are the same people that are participants. It’s like the guy that says he’s not a blogger and then he looks up and he’s submitted 31 blog posts. Go figure.

Open Relationships. For some reason these words are really bad words to people. They rather say “oh, I’m talking to one or twenty people.” Let’s stop kidding ourselves; most of us are single and dating. Majority of those people dating are having sex with more than one person. I’m assuming more males than females but you know what they say when you assume. Even still, we know that people are having sex. Birth control pills, condoms and clinics all went multi-platinum. So you have a choice. Define what your doing or not. If you don't, I will. Or wikipedia will.

Wikipedia defines an open relationship as a relationship in which the people involved agree that they want to be together, but in which romantic or sexual relationships with additional people are accepted, permitted or tolerated. The Open Relationship happens to have a broad umbrella. If you’re a picky person like me, you have options. The Open Relationship menu actually may fit your particular need if you’re considering it.

Polygamy: marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time.

Polygyny: where a man has multiple, simultaneous wives.

Polyandry: where a woman has multiple, simultaneous husbands, or a "group marriage" where the family unit consists of multiple husbands and multiple wives.

Polyfidelity: relationships that place strict restrictions on partners.

Swinging: relationships permit sex outside the primary relationship, but not love or behavior, in which partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other people, sometimes referred to as recreational or social sex.

Polymory: the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

See, I told you that you could tailor this thing to fit you. And most people do. I read somewhere that there were an estimated more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States. Now if that survey is performed the same way the census is performed, that number is really like 1,500,000. Haven’t decided if that is scary or not.

Structure in an Open Relationship sounds like honor amongst thieves. It makes no sense. It’s almost like there are by-laws. You mean to tell me I have to be committed to being uncommitted to a commitment. Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee did it. The mayor? “Mayor aint never hurt nobody,” it must be ok right? But after experimenting with the concept and even abiding by the rules, they decided to stop.

The only thing good about an Open Relationship is there should be no pressure to have honest communication. Jason says, “babe, I can’t talk right now, I’m with Tameka. She’s spending the night. I will get up with you tomorrow.” Michelle replies “ok, cool. I will go chill with Robert. Hit me in the afternoon, you know Rob and I usually go to brunch when he comes through.” Who says commitments are not made?

To me, an Open Relationship is not a relationship. You are either in a relationship or you are not. The amount of arguments that will come from an Open Relationship will make Tina and Ike sad. No offense, but women are not built to handle these types of situations. We all know how this story ends. The woman loses every way possible. She may be allowed to spend time with other men, but the man she really wants is dividing his time. And since most men are biotches, they will not totally approve of her sleeping with other men. This brings us to reality. The reality is that most of us who are single are in undefined Open Relationships. Women want to play. Men want to play. Women want to lock men down. Men want to lock women down. They can’t lock them down. They don’t want to be locked down. Women and men settle for the undefined Open Relationship until they get bored and they want more. They get tired of playing the game. They get tired of wondering if they are owed more. They get mad because they are not given more. If you are at this point this could be a good thing. As a matter of fact, its never a bad thing.

Always on My Job

During a regular week, working accounts for at least one-third of the time spent not sleeping. In other words, that's a lot of damn working. Someone please Google the man who invented work. I need to know if this is what he envisioned. I think I should move to Europe. I mean, who really wants to work. So while some of us complain about this somewhat necessary evil, others are making lemonade out of lemons. Depending on where you work, your second home has potential for more benefits than Aetna could ever offer.

Fellas, lets reminisce for a moment. Ladies you can join if it applies, if not, just pretend it does. Remember those first days of class at high school and/ or college. While your parents were asking you about the teacher, books, class size and subject matter, your boys were inquiring about the females in class. Ladies I'm sure some of you conversed about the boys in class. Some were lucky enough to be blessed with a plethora of the attractive women. For me, it was always slim pickings, so whenever there was one, I acted accordingly. A cute girl was always motivation to not get kicked out of chemistry class. Damn, those were the days.

After hitting the wrong button on the hot tub time machine, we find ourselves at work. Some people love their job, and others hate theirs. Chitty job or not, every man creates a scouting report for the talent at the workplace. How else are we supposed to get through the day? Fortunately for women (and men), men (and women) are required to keep these thoughts to themselves. The laws of the land don’t allow men (and women) to be as perverse and obnoxious as some of them would be at a lounge or in the streets. *in my best mob boss voice* “It’s just not good for business.” So compliments, flirting and staring have to be kept to a respectful minimum. Fortunately like most laws, there is some bending. And both the male and female participate, literally and figuratively. And I’m all for it. As a matter of fact, I believe that the work setting is an ideal place to meet the opposite sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an advocate for professionalism, productivity and efficiency. These things should come first. But when there’s a chance to play, put your sneakers on. I’ve heard plenty of women say they don't date co-workers. To that, I say “restrictions are made for people with lack of foresight.” Working with someone offers a unique opportunity to learn about them. This is a side of them that one is not afforded if they met them at any other place. There is a true side that will be seen. Some people are really passionate about what they do, and this passion will leave part of their character exposed. Even if they hate their job, part of their character is still exposed. Ladies if you pay attention, you will see if this guy is ambitious. Does he work well with others? Is he a “yes man?” Is he a leader or a follower? Does he take pride in what he does? Is he punctual? No matter if you conceal or reveal your intentions, he still has to be himself because he has to perform his work duties efficiently if he wants to continue receiving a pay check. If the stars are aligned, there is a chance to have romance and finance in the same place. Lunch breaks and after work events present opportunities to explore romantic possibilities. If both parties remain professional and act as adults, even if the relationship does not materialize, it was worth the risk. Ladies, I’m not ignoring the fact that some of you and some of us are crazy and a bad ending could be disastrous. A bad ending is possible anywhere, but since it’s at work, maybe that will encourage you to make better choices on the men you choose. But don’t totally dismiss the idea.

My final words are stay professional, stay out of sight of cameras, keep him a secret lover until he is an “official” lover, and make sure you clean up after yourselves. Peace.

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Switch! Not!

After recently watching the movie Casablanca for the first time, I have one word to describe it. Classic! If you’ve never seen Casablanca, make sure you go check it. I forgot that Humphrey Bogart starred in the film. Although he’s a sucker for love to an extent, he plays one of the smoothest characters ever in a movie. Made me want to go shopping for a white blazer, read some of my old Iceberg Slim books and call a girl I have no chance with. Talk about inspiration. Bogart’s character Rick is also all about business. So much that sometimes he’s considered cold-blooded with no scruples. He eventually shows he has some principles besides money and himself. At the end of the movie, he can easily steal a woman (woman that broke his heart) from her husband, but he decides to let the husband keep her. We can all hypothesize on why he let her go. In the movie Rick told Ilsa, that he was doing it for her own good. Some will say he could never trust her. Whether it's true or not, that's what this post is about. Someone asked me years ago whether or not a guy can trust his girlfriend if he stole her from another guy. This sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.

My first answer is “HELL NO. Don’t do it homie.” This goes against all the player rules we learned as we grew up. But before I channel my inner A Pimp Named SlickBack, I reconsider. I reassess and realize that this is not a black and white issue. Lust or the opposite of it may be involved so shades of gray are definitely present. But to eliminate some of those shades, there are questions that must be answered. I don’t care if the guy gets Dick Tracy, Inspector Gadget and Roger Rabbit, he better get some answers if he doesn’t want to be a victim like scrams before him. If she wants to be trusted, she needs to either cooperate or put that move on him where he won’t care until it’s too late. But for discussion sake, let’s say she doesn’t possess that move and even if she did, we are not dealing with a square that will let his thoughts be clouded. These are the type of questions he needs answered. Is this act a habit? How was she stolen? How many times has she cheated? Does she appear to like the new guy more than the first guy or is this just a phase? How long have they known each other? How dishonest and what ways were she dishonest in past relationship? How was the past relationship? Was she dating OJ mixed with a little Chris Brown? Or was it a beautiful relationship and she just got bored? Was she compatible with her ex? What type of guy was the ex-boyfriend? What type of guy is new boyfriend? Does the new guy have similarities with ex? At what point in the relationship did she start cheating with the guy?

Yes, I know the list of questions is exhaustive, but it’s necessary like the security at the airport. And unless ALL answers are good, she shouldn’t be getting on his plane. We’ve all heard of warming signs and red flags in relationships. Wifing up the girl that was stolen from her ex-boyfriend falls in that category. Why would a guy drive himself crazy? I have yet to steal someone’s girl and wife her, but for the guy who has or will, I don’t know how he could be completely confident that he wont be the next victim unless he’s either naïve or arrogant. For the fellas who are considering this act, play at your own risk. And for the ladies, why leave your boyfriend, keep both guys. Noooooo, I’m only kidding, if you can, before you cheat, simply end the relationship. Everyone wins!

ALL CARDS UP

What do men do to earn the trust of a female? Ladies, if that’s the question for the day, today the blog is known as “Excuse Me, She’s Talking” as I wonder why I don’t have an answer for that question. I am willing to answer the question “what I am willing to do to earn the trust of a female,” but to that first question, I simply don’t have the answer. It doesn’t matter the class, the race, or the age, some women will say they trust, but deep down they really don’t. I have my own assumptions about what it takes to earn trust, but by no means do I believe they are correct 100% of the time. Maybe the women can explain what they expect a man to do to earn their trust. When you do explain, be honest with us and yourselves.

Man should be able to start any form of relationship with a clean slate. He should not be expected to do anything that he is not capable of nor anything that he has never accomplished. If he knows he's busy because the Heat are playing the Celtics on opening night of the NBA season, he shouldn't have to lie and say his grandmother's sick because he doesn't want his new piece to know that he plans his social life around sporting events (see October post "Does There Have to Be a Balance"). There should be a grace period where a man and woman are learning each other. They should be creating a model of themselves. What is he consistent with vs what does he struggle with. What does he like doing vs what is he willing to do for the sake of pleasing the woman. Does he lie when he's late vs does he tell the truth when he's drunk. All the damn questions that have yet to be answered. For these reasons, I don’t think I’ve ever entered a situation where I wanted to make sure a woman trusted me. She does or she doesn't? Maybe I didn’t care or maybe this was something I didn’t feel I had trouble with. Maybe it's cocky behavior. I feel that only a guilty person has to make an effort to earn trust. This is something that should be natural and should not be pre-meditated. I’m not knocking the guy that goes crazy trying to make sure a woman trusts him, but I wouldn’t do it because I don't consciously set myself up for failure. His actions could possibly be giving the girl a false sense of what is reality. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but she should understand that the guy will have some mental breaks where he makes mistakes that may seem like he is untrustworthy when he actually is trustworthy. I don’t believe in adding unnecessary pressure to any situation, especially to myself.

For example, by show of hands, how many guys have heard a woman say “all men cheat?” By another show of hands, how many women believe that all men cheat? My point exactly. How can a man be expected to earn trust when he’s being prejudged on the actions of a few bad apples? There is a young lady I met some years ago that did the most interesting thing to help determine whether she could trust me. I’m not sure the reason for her doing it, whether she did this with all the guys she met, or if she just came up with this on the spot. For all I know, this could have been her way of running game. Maybe she will tell me after she reads this post since we are still cool. But if she was sincere in her actions, it said a lot about her and she learned a lot about me. Ok, I will hold you in suspense no longer. It was either our first or second time hanging out. We are sitting at the table waiting for our food and she slides me her cell phone and asks for me to slide her mine. If I recall, I hesitated. I’m thinking “damn, I didn’t erase those last text messages.” Or, “oh chit, what if she looks at my saved pictures.” My friend is dope, and I’m a sucker for dope girls, of course I gave her my phone. We had a conversation about the stuff in each other’s phone and really learned a lot about each other. One would be surprised how much a cell phone can define a person. Like I said, she could have been g’ing me, especially since after I got to know her I realized she’s a brilliant woman. Either way, this little exercise led to her being a friend that I can talk to about anything and depend on. I can actually say I trust her. I’m assuming she trusts me too. Although some people may think it’s corny, I recommend the cell phone exchange. But be fair, don’t sift through your cell phone prior to proposing the exchange.

Beware though, it can backfire. What if he or she does not want to exchange? Think about that for a second, maybe it didn’t backfire.

Fast-Forward to the Past

As we get older, our lives get busier. We don't speak or hang with our friends as much. Some of them are in relationships and some have kids. Some of them live in other cities. It gets to the point where if you want to hang with all your friends at the same time, you have to check with everyone's schedule and set a date. Fast forward to the future and that day finally arrives. You heard that the spot you are scheduled to party at will be a good look for the night. The outfits are ready to be unleashed. The kids are at the babysitter. The boyfriends are watching the fight. The temperature of the shower water was just right. Food is in the system. You and the crew had a few warm up drinks so you don’t help contribute to making the club owner rich. Basically, it’s on! This should be a fun filled evening.

The crew has found parking. You guys got in the spot without an ounce of hate from the bouncers. Everyone is happy with the table’s location. You’ve been there forty-five minutes and everyone is partying hard and enjoying each other’s company. Then something happens. Someone’s ex-boyfriend shows up. Not a recent ex either. This ex hasn’t been seen in a while. But he came back like the kid that got stomped out in “Menace to Society.” Everyone’s impressed, even his former haters. Everyone remembers the break-up, but no one cares to think about it till they realize their friend has been at the bar chillin’ with comeback kid ALL night. Nobody wants to complain about how they’ve been waiting so long to hang with each other and this particular friend decided to be occupied with an old fling. It also doesn’t help that she is single and has been meeting nothing but squares lately. They're laughing, drinking, smiling, touching, hugging, and they’re close enough that wait, are they kissing? Hell yeah, they're definitely kissing. “Say it aint so.” Unless someone wakes up from lala land, someone is getting dusted off tonight.

The next few days or weeks are the important ones. This is when one or both parties sober up from the liquor or the lust. Then the question is presented. Should this person get involved with their ex-boyfriend? Let's consider the pros and cons. Let’s review the risks and the rewards. But first let's be clear, if you were only “talking”, bed buddies, friends with benefits or anything less than boyfriend and girlfriend, this entire post is N/A. Only official relationships are susceptible to ALL of the issues. Unless you were in a relationship you don’t really know this person.

Pros: Familiarity. This pretty much covers everything. Hopefully each person was appreciated enough that they took the time to really know each other. It can also be exciting if the person has changed some of their ways or has made some great accomplishments during the break.

Cons: Familiarity. The person may have had some flaws that previously bothered the chit out of you. The issue that caused the break-up is usually still an issue. If this person has not changed, one may be tricked into thinking that this person changed. Similar to when you meet a new person, they are going to give their best in the beginning. You have to invest time in order to find out if the changes are real. This could be a waste of time. Also, is this an admission that the desired soul mate does not exist? This could be interpreted as settling.

In this situation, there is no right or wrong answer. Although I have a rule, it would be wrong for me to suggest that someone else follow the rule. It’s all about what is important to you. Remember your list; check it as if it were a lottery ticket that you had four out of five numbers right. Double check if you need to. I don’t need to check my list. The only rule I have besides never settling for what’s not on my list is NEVER GOING BACKWARDS!

Stop With the Damn N-Word

Please forgive me, but today’s topic is about the N-word. Yes, I understand that this is a sensitive topic and you may feel that it does not apply to the blog. In fact, I’ve been dodging the discussion for about eight months. The N-word is a dangerous word so I’m sure the audience can understand why I strayed away from it. But no longer will I run. I constantly write about how communication is the key, who would I be if I were not willing to discuss an issue that has been around for a long time. Finally, I’ve gained enough courage to have a little more self-induced controversy added to the blog. We must understand that the actual N-word is not the problem, but the act that the N-word represents is the real problem. Ok, enough with the N-word chit. I’m just going to say it and put it out there. Nag nag nag. Half of women do it, and all men hate it.

I hate to show my age, but remember on Wheel of Fortune when the contestant was at the bonus round at the end and they had to pick their letters. What did everyone do? Everyone picked R, S, T, L, N and E. These letters became main stays. Well think of the N-word, oops, I meant nagging as these letters. When a lady asks a man what is his pet peeve, he should get two choices, because nagging should already be shown on his forehead.

Nagging is like diet soda, it serves no purpose. The only good thing about nagging is that it gave me a blog topic. You would think that since the pet peeve nagging in imprinted on the forehead, a woman would take heed. Oh no, it’s almost as if the woman knows the man hates the nagging so she does it even more. Don’t get me wrong, all women don’t nag, but the ones who do make up for the ones who don’t. Nagging is one of those extreme traits. It’s either all or none. As men, (love you mom) although some of us were prepared early in life to cope with it (mother = woman, woman = nagger), we don’t want to deal with it as adults. We are not perfect. We are going to do some dumb chit from time to time. That’s simply us. If it’s something serious, address it. If not serious, let us know you don’t like it and move on. Sending a blast email to our four accounts, texting us, leaving a note on the refrigerator and calling us before we get off work is not helping the situation. Not only do we hate nagging, but it doesn’t help (I think I stated this before).

Naggers are pests. Pests do things like call you three times after you hit ignore the first two times. Call once and leave a message. I hate when you sit your phone down for four minutes then see three missed calls and when you check it’s from one person. Ladies, that’s not love or admiration. That’s insanity. Look it up. Naggers expect perfection. Naggers don’t understand why they haven’t received a call all morning. Naggers think they are being ignored when the guy has not responded to a text not knowing that he’s busy working or scratching his testicles. What does it matter what he’s busy doing, he’s busy!! No belaboring here folks, that’s all. I think we understand.

Oh yeah ladies, if your man nags, check his birth certificate.

PS. Another point which I was trying to make but fell through the cracks and couldn’t seem to find its way back is, how many arguments are guys starting? We are pretty easy going, right? Or is it just me, I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Does There Have To Be A Balance

February 14, 2010. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. For obvious reasons, this was one of the best days of the year. With a smile on my face as I reminisce, I’m wondering, how did you guys spend your Valentine’s Day? Fellas, were you out having candlelit dinners anticipating good loving as she orders from the fucking side of the menu? Ladies, were you surprised and feeling moist when you received those Godiva chocolate dipped strawberries. Me? I didn’t make it to a fancy restaurant. I did not take a lady friend on a helicopter tour of the city. I was in the house. Don’t feel sorry for me though, I was enjoying myself. The 2010 NBA All-Star Game satisfied my needs this special day. Although I was not with a significant other, I was definitely spending quality time. This brings me to my confession. I’m not speaking of the confession about me not believing in Valentine’s Day (yes it is true, but we can discuss that later). I’m confessing that occasionally I plan my social life around sporting events. Some guys will concur, some will not. I say this because for a while, I thought this was normal amongst guys. But as I’ve grown, I realized that I am somewhat extreme.

I love the three major American sports: Baseball, Football and Basketball. I also often enjoy golf when Tiger is playing, tennis when Venus and Serena are playing (especially Serena), good boxing matches, poker (guess it’s a sport since it’s now on ESPN), and random Olympic games. Basically, I watch sports 365 days a year and 366 in a leap year. No such thing as an off-season for me. Unless a guy is a sports’ analyst or he writes for the New York Daily News sports section, I think I have this sports addiction thing on lock.

I’m not sure that I want to be cured, but they say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Hmmm, let’s see, “Dana (dime by some standards) and a movie or Eagles vs Giants NFC Championship Game”. Dana loses 11 times out of ten. I have a problem. Although that was hypothetical, it’s very comparable to some experiences that I have had in the past. A few years ago, my ex came to visit expecting to hang out that day. I expected us to hang out as well. I didn’t tell her about the baseball game because I figured the game would be off by the time she arrived. Guess what, the game went 18 innings. Me? I’m glued to the television. She could not understand this for the life of her. She stormed out upset. I didn’t even notice that she exited. That probably took some years off our relationship….well, maybe some days. I have a problem. In summary, if I know a good game is coming on, I’m not guaranteeing my presence. I will say anything to avoid the tension. If a woman asks me to do something on a specific day and I respond “well let me see how I feel”, that means she should check the sports television schedule and come up with alternate day and time.

Maybe some of the male readers will comment on where they are with this issue. Like previously stated, I believe most guys suffer from this condition as bad as me. So ladies, unless you are trying to date me, this is great news. This means that there is considerable time for you to spend with your guy. But, if you are trying to date someone similar to me, you better get creative. Its not easy to pull that remote out of a guys hand while he’s watching “his” game. Yeah, the strip tease works, but only for so long. A woman can possibly perform sexual acts, but will he be totally into it. That will lead to bigger issues. I’m sure you women can conjure up something though.

Please note, Thursday, October 7, 2010 will be an historic day. I know I’m somewhat late, but my new Time Warner HD DVR box arrives. Maybe this will ease the tension. Maybe not. I will probably complain that the game is not live. By the way, the DVR is a 3 month trial. Good luck!

Does She Know What He Really Likes

I often hear women say that we men don't know what we want (As if women actually know what they want). In some cases true, but when it comes to the type of woman, we know exactly what we want.

When a relationship is going smoothly and suddenly becomes stagnant or flatlined for no apparent reason, sometimes a woman thinks the guy is confused. He said and even acted like he wanted to be with her. Although he is confusing the hell out of her and everyone else for that matter, confusion is not the correct adjective. He may be scared, sympathetic, or plain stupid, but he is not confused. Men, similar to women, have certain levels to which we will deal with the opposite sex. We will consider a woman for friendship, booty calls, a girlfriend, a wifey, a mistress, spades partner, actual wife, etc. All of this depends on where you fall in our list of qualifications. No matter what kind of relationship or plans we make, don’t believe us until you know what attracts us. Knowing what attracts us is the only way to truly verify if there is a chance. Lust or the opposite of lust may cloud our judgment at times. We do and say stupid things under the influence of both. The sad part is that we may actually believe we are telling the truth, but when the honeymoon is over, reality sets in. Delusional, not confused.

The things that attract us are not debatable. They are non-negotiable. In a lot of cases they are deal breakers. We know what these things are and we know what weight they carry. So the actual confusion comes in when the women do not know or understand what weight a certain attraction holds. It would help if a lot of guys were more clear and forthright when divulging this information. It could help a woman out tremendously if she chooses to listen. I say choose to listen because a lot of times, in the beginning a woman asks a man “what kinds of women do you like”. After hearing his list, the woman knows that she doesn't fit in his shopping cart, yet she's trying to make it to the register. She ignores him because she thinks after he gets to know her he will forget what he likes. WRONG! Although she may have great qualities, they aren’t the qualities that he prefers.

I will be the lab rat; and if you know me, you know I don't care if you judge me, I welcome it. If I somehow am taken off the market, she will possess a large portion of these qualities. After reading what attracts me, everyone (men and women) should speak to the person they are interested in, and find out what attracts them.

There are four categories that I use to classify a woman. They are personality, aesthetics, public impression, and philosophy/ morals.

Personality - funny, smart, inquisitive, sense of humor, down to earth, sassy, confident, common sense, ambitious, loyal, honest, adventurous, spontaneous, understanding, tough-minded, and thick skinned.

Aesthetics – Nia Long in Friday, Stacy Dash in everything, Sade in ‘Baby Father’ video (she put some weight on), Alicia Keys, Lauren London in Entourage (pre Lil Wayne), YaYa on ANTM (not in person though, she looked like she had a little weight on television), the first Trina poster (that may still be on the ceiling of my DC apt.), Sanaa Lathan. Any woman down with Prince. There’s plenty more, but I had to stop as some point.



Public Impression – I’m going to take it back to the 80’s with this expression. “She has to be dope!” In a room full of beautiful women, she has to be the one who stands out. Not because she’s beautiful, but because she’s dope.

Philosophy/ Morals – God first, family oriented, and free-willed.

Based on this list alone, I know a woman’s potential within the first 5 minutes of meeting her. It does not mean she is a bad person, but I know what works for me and what I’m looking for. It also does not mean there is not a spot for her. When an expansion team is filling out their roster, most players may not have all the tools, but they will serve as key role players around the franchise player. But also remember, one man’s trash or role player is another man’s treasure or franchise player.

What Happened When Phones Didn't Exist

Someone asked me what are the rules for fulfilling the late night hornyness desires that we all suffer from occasionally. Firstly, I'm assuming this inquiry is coming from a single female. I say this because us at andshewonderswhy DO NOT ENCOURAGE CHEATING. We don't hate, but we don't celebrate either. So if you are reading, you are not single, and you get caught, tell your boyfriend that I did not conspire with you on this, at least not knowingly. Now that we have the moral obligations out of the way, I ask the readers to please bear with me. I had to dust this post off. Because it's been a while since I've participated in such an activity, please feel free to correct me if these rules are outdated. I wouldn't expect the rules to change, but I also went to sleep and woke up one day and found grown men wearing skinny jeans. Again, I dont hate, but I dont celebrate either. Without further to do, for best results, I ask that you obey the following:

1. Snooze you lose. If you wait too long to put in your order, some other lucky or unlucky girl will be receiving the goods. Or even more frustrating, he may fall asleep and not feel the phone vibrate. There is no specific time, you pretty much have to know your personnel.


2. You don't get cool points for being early. Prior to midnight is not a booty call, its a date. So if he's hanging with his boys, or actually on a date, your horny ass has to frustratingly wait.


3. Be realistic. Don't think that you are entitled to the spontaneous act.


4. Don't do desperate. Don't call more than twice. Better yet, you have two other options. Call once and leave a message. Call once, hang up, then text. I don't recommend it, but if you just have to send the message on facebook, make sure you don't leave it on his wall. This could be a tragedy.


5. Health assessment. If you call the guy and you recognize he's been drinking, give his ass a sobriety test. For obvious reasons, you don't mind a little intoxication, but for other obvious reasons, you don't want him white boy wasted either.


6. No distractions. Cell phones off. Roommates locked away or evicted. Babies at babysitter, NOT SLEEP. If conditions at either home are not suitable, GETAROOM!


7. Appropriate behavior. Once you're at the meeting place, whether it is your place or his, unless small talk is included in the foreplay package, 86 it. Talk about your day via text in 24-48 hours.


8. Keep garments close. After you are done, leave. Someone has to leave. Unless Round 2 is in the immediate future, bounce. We don't want the lines blurred, this is a booty call, not a slumber party or a relationship. (Not saying it cant turn into a relationship; I have to say that for the dreamers and to keep my ratings up ;-)


9. Be fair. Return the favor occasionally when you are called upon. Otherwise, your priveleges will be limited.


10. Remember tidyness. Make sure each participant is clean. Unless he comes in smelling like Dove, do the world a favor, wash his ass. All important places should be spic and span. (And don't forget your places ;-)


11. USE CONDOMS. And no, not the ones with holes pre-poked in them.

I warn you, if you adhere to these guidelines, be prepared for better booty call experiences. Enjoy!

No One Told You To Do That, Not Even You

Some years back, the thought first entered my mind. Many people I knew had taken the leap, and they told me it was one of the greatest experiences they had ever had. They said "you have not lived until you've done it." What a bold statement. Especially when I'm standing there breathing. But with a co-sign like that, why would I be opposed to experiencing it for myself. My interest began to grow. We can't keep doing the same thing. We all have to be able to switch it up sometimes. So instead of sitting back observing others, being jealous, afraid, anxious, nervous, too cool, I felt it was time to live. But guess what, living requires a bit of risk. *Beating a dead horse* "Is the risk worth the reward?" I'm basically signing waivers saying it's on me if it doesn't work out. What type of chit is that? What made me do it?

Who the hell knows what made me do it. But these are the facts: the risk was definitely worth the reward, I survived, and I will do it again. Wait, I don't think I'm talking about skydiving. I'm actually talking about the "opposite of lust", you know, the L-word. Some of you may think there is a difference, but actually, there is no difference between falling from the sky and falling in the opposite of lust.

I know what you're thinking; you can die from one of these, that's the difference between the two. Nope, that is not the difference. People die skydiving as well. Its just, skydiving is not as bad because most likely you wont experience death and torture.

If its a guy's first time being in the opposite of lust, he doesn't know what to expect. I know I didn't. Rhetorically, I ask myself, "what made me do it, what would make any guy do it?" Unfortunately, its like a bee sting. No matter how many swarming bees you kill, one is going to sting you and you will not see it coming. There is nothing a man can do about it. If you ask any man, he will tell you that when its good, there is nothing he wants to do about it.

Unfortunately, like skydiving, the free fall in the opposite of lust has to come to an end. The parachute has to get pulled. The jumpers have to land......and if you have the heart, you jump again.

Please Confess Your Crime

OK, I met this guy a few weeks ago who said he was considering going back to school for plastic surgery. From conversing with him, I learned that apparently there are more potential clients for plastic surgery than there are plastic surgeons to service them. “Are you serious?” I’m not surprised, yet I am. Everything else these days is twisted, why wouldn’t there be a high demand for cosmetic plastic surgery. The world hasn’t gone mad, but the people in it have definitely lost their minds. Unless you had the Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky, beat it with that chit. Similar to marriages and divorces, Hollywood’s influence on changing faces and other places has apparently spilled over to the common folk. All I have to say is, “look at yourself”.

If she has fake body parts, tell her to "beat it". I don’t care if she looks like Stacy Dash, I don’t want anything to do with her. In fact, my bold statement of the day is “Man is entitled to know if a woman he is dating is packing fake face, boobs, buttcheeks, or any other skin and bones”. And he deserves to know this right after the woman decides to give him her phone number. Call me crazy, delusional, I don’t care. Somebody save me a fistful of tears. If she can get away with it, the only thing a woman should be allowed to hide is her new eyes or her new weave.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my way of thinking is not a consensus amongst all men. Some men are only concerned with the finished product. And that’s fine if that’s what a guy is in to. Unfortunately, you're going to have to count me out.

If I were well versed in the health ramifications or side effects, I would use them to help my case. But, it seems pretty obvious that there has to be something mentally wrong with someone who feels they should get cosmetic surgery. I mean Dennis Rodman wrong. Mel Gibson wrong. Terry Jones, well you get the picture. Maybe I will consider allowing a lift or maybe a reduction of the girth of the 16xd’s, but those are the only exceptions. If a woman or even the man sponsoring the change thinks that this leads to happiness, they better be ready for the rest of the operations that follow, because they will be searching for a long time. Happiness is making the most of what you have. And my happiness will be destroyed if after years of commitment I found out my girl has been nipped and tucked and it wasn’t by me.

No Time Better Than The Present

“Dear Summer, I know you gon’ miss me, for we been together like Nike Airs and crisp tees….” If you know the words to this Jay-Z song, feel free to sing along. As I sing, I reflect on Labor Day and what it represents. No, I’m not talking about a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. Nor am I talking about the temporary extinction of our beloved white outfits. But these things all have something in common; they signify the end of summer. Technically, summer ends with the Autumnal Equinox which is September 21st, but for all inclusive purposes, most will say farewell to the cookouts, farewell to the pool parties, and possibly farewell to the summer love affairs.

Yeah, I meant to say affairs as in plural. If they weren’t affairs, they were hook-ups, introductions, hang-outs, dates, interactions, flings, or luckily or unluckily, one-night stands. Summer represents opportunities. It represents new experiences. All the people that hibernate for the other three seasons decide to come out and play. People travel from far to see new places. People meet new faces and get reacquainted with old faces. I hope everyone enjoyed their summer, because fall is here.

Ladies, on May 26th, in my post “2nd Place is the 1st Loser” I gave you some advice. I advised you to reserve your spot with that special person before summer grabbed his attention away from you. Some of you did (you’ve been providing me with updates) and some of you didn’t, you decided to stay on the market (you guys provided me with those updates as well, lol). Now that fall is amongst us, some decisions have to be made. So, instead of becoming nostalgic, let’s focus on the possibilities of the upcoming season.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. For the fall, most people try simplifying life. They try to slow things down. Start hitting the gym hard preparing for the spring and next summer. Start saving money for the winter holidays. And of course, lets not forget, they start narrowing down their “team”. Some are either taking it to the next level with the one that they locked down before summer, or some are thinking about the ones they met over the summer. Ladies its OK to look through the pictures and read the old text messages to confirm if your fall/ winter love is in proximity. If there is a potential love interest, pursuing him now may have good results. Men and women are usually on the same page this time of year. Guys are more susceptible during the fall. No one really wants to be alone. Ladies, get your pheromones out and unleash them. If you’re strategic enough to work yourself into his NBA, NFL, NCAA football and basketball schedule, you may have won yourself a husband. If you choose wisely, by the time spring gets here, you will no longer have to hate on everyone that is boasting about “love being in the air”. You’ll be the one getting hated on this time. When summer 2011 hits, you’re weekends are spent with your significant other.

Some people’s summer was too good; so good that they didn’t have enough time to focus on anyone longer than two minutes. Then there is the bad summer, didn’t meet anyone worth two minutes. Don’t be alarmed if you didn’t find that special person. You have three choices: you can hit up events for the next month as if it was the let out at the club, you cant dust off some of the numbers in your phone and try to develop something with one of those under appreciated former flings that may not be special but was pretty fun, or you warm yourself up during the cold months, I hear snuggies are very efficient.


*The Mighty DR contributed to this post.

Ummm, I Never Agreed To That

I was having a discussion with a very beautiful female friend the other day and the conversation made me remember that I owe the readers a post about my opinion regarding platonic friends. "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP”. These were my exact words in my April 7th post, “And You Say He’s Just a Friend”.

I would like to apologize to the readers and all my debaters that I have sparred with past and present. Please excuse me. Apparently I had been using the word incorrectly. I clearly misunderstood. This is why I hate being caught without my dictionary. Again, I apologize, you were right; there are such things as platonic relationships. Relationships without romance or sex can and do exist between a man and a woman. But before you get ahead of yourselves, I meant to argue that just because its platonic, (1) it doesn’t mean the relationship is guaranteed to stay that way, and (2), no heterosexual male will turn down the opportunity to stick a fork in that platonic status.


Now I have to put out a disclaimer because there are exceptions to the rule. If something is morally wrong with the two doing the freshy, all bets are off. Examples include:

• Ex of close friend
• One or both are in relationship or married
• There is completely zero attraction between both parties.

And even with that said, there is a certain amount of liquor that fades those lines.

“Awww, look at you guys, you are so cute together” says random female. “No this is just my friend, we are strictly platonic” says the female friend. Meanwhile, male friend is smiling and nodding in agreement but shaking his head in his mind. The reality is that unless one of them is butt ugly, and the other one is smart enough to know this, its bullchit. Ladies, I’m going to keep it real with you. In case you didn’t know, men think about sex 75%-85% of the time. And yes, of course I know this because I surveyed every man in the world. So, if a female is with her platonic friend more than 25% of the time, you better believe he’s already figured out the best sexual position for your body type.

Please don’t be astonished. You should’ve taken note when you were in the lounge with him and he gave you the funny look while yelling/ singing “I wish I could f**k every girl in the world”. He’s trying to prepare your sub-conscious. Besides that, the guy probably never really agreed to be platonic. This was the consolation prize for striking out 100 times. Trust me!

I dare any female to argue, or better yet, let’s play show and tell. Show your so-called platonic male friend your willingness to give him goodies, then log on afterwards and tell me either how disgusted you are or how pleasantly surprised you are.

What's Mine is Yours, What's Yours is Yours? Que?

PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENT will always be a debatable topic. My thoughts about the matter are conflicted. As a younger adult, when I had less business sense and I was more rambunctious, I was totally against it. I've always been an advocate for the institution of marriage. I hate divorce and don't believe in it. In following the law of attraction, I thought that if a guy spoke to his potential wife about pre-nups, he would be attracting this force into his relationship. Its almost like you now know or think its OK to get divorced because the other half of your team has already accepted the possibility of it. The thought of pre-nups didn't work for me because I wouldn't want my wife to even consider the option. "Till death do us part babe, sorry".

Fast forward to present day and you tell yourself "chit was all good just a week ago". Things have changed. Forget about the "Hollywood marriages" that only delusional people believe are matches made in heaven. But with television and the influx of reality shows, marriage is hardly a glimpse of what it used to be, even to regular people. This Hollywood disease has crossed state lines and the acceptance of divorce has spread like a forest fire. Not long ago, our grandparents had as many issues as we do, but divorce was hardly ever an option. They worked through it and even if they didn't, they accepted the reality whether they were happy or not. Everyone knew granny and grandpa had issues but it was what it was. Imagine grandpa paying child support or alimony in the 60s and 70s. I'm sure it happened, but without doing research, I'm sure it was rare.

As I scour the earth for my soul mate, I wonder will I really know if she's official, because there has to be two levels of "soulmatism". The first level is the soul mate that is eternally yours. The second level is the soul mate that takes half for eternity. We don't know as many first level soul mates, but we know a lot of second level soul mates where one of them has more than life insurance taken out of their checks before its taxed. In "Think Big and Kick Ass", Donald Trump calls these soul mates stupid because they are willing to lose everything for love (or lust in my opinion). He gave an example of an associate that made the mistake of not getting a pre-nup not once, but several times. To me, one is only stupid if this person lacks knowledge. This guy seems crazy. Hopeless romantic I guess.

So you see, I'm torn. Even as I read up and down editing, I change my mind several times. I'm arrogant enough to think I can solve any problem. But I'm calculated enough to know that the odds are not in my favor. OK, I've made a decision. I guess because I'm crazy and not stupid, No pre-nup. I repeat, NO PRE-NUP, but she better say yes before I start making eight figures.

"Coach, Put Me in the Game"

It’s ok to have the worst batting average if you have the most homeruns. If you go 1 for 100 you were successful if that one was a good one. A lot of hitters struggle the entire game, but when it’s the ninth inning, two outs, down one run, runner on third, they execute the suicide bunt to extend the game. You have to have patience and confidence to do this.


Before I confuse everyone with my baseball analogies, let me explain this post's topic. "Yo, Es, she's a good look, but she's on another level, she's out of your league" (that statement is strictly hypothetical btw lol). Do "leagues" really exist? How does a guy feel when he's told that the girl he wants is out of his league?


We all know that the male ego makes some guys come off as arrogant, abrasive, egotistical and pompous (all those words probably mean the same thing but who cares I felt like using them). Depending on who is the audience, these adjectives are viewed as positives or negatives. When a man makes a conscious decision to believe that no woman is out of his league, his ego deserves all the credit. There are of lot of women that wouldn't have boyfriends or husbands if their guy actually saw and adhered to the line that separated the leagues. Only the arrogant and timid pay these barriers any attention. So yes, leagues definitely exist and there are many different types of them. The different types range anywhere from age to looks to education. Some people learn about them as early as grade school, and some people never learn about them. Some people learn about them but choose to ignore. Others acknowledge the leagues, accept the league they belong to, and play if safe the rest of their lives.


How does a guy feel when someone breaks the bad news to him? Well first of all, it’s not a gender thing, it’s a personality thing. Women share the same feelings. Embarrassed, astounded, motivated, defeated. I understand each feeling, but it is what it is. Some people consider themselves Batman, some consider themselves Robin. I ask “what’s the worse that could happen if a guy pursues a woman that is out of his league?” He strikes out. He’s humiliated. His confidence is shattered. I say bring it on. A lot of guys welcome the challenge. This is another case of risk vs reward. If you go 1 for 100 you were successful if that one was a good one. It’s experience. It’s motivation. It’s endearing. Everyone loves the underdog. No one loves a quitter who’s afraid of a challenge. Who wants to keep pursuing the easy feat? Ask the 5’-6” gentleman that doesn’t like short girls. Ask the blue collar worker from the hood that despises hood chicks. Ask the broke dude that stays at Sue’s Rendezvous and only wants to date strippers. These are the guys we see with girls we think are out of their league and we say to each other "how'd he get her?"


We all know the girl that walks up the block or chills in the lounge and no one even whispers a word to her. She looks good, she’s smart, her morals are in order, she’s down-to-earth, she has a sense of humor, she’s a lady in public, and freak in private. Guys want her, wait, correction, guys want to marry her. They fantasize about her. They love her. Guess what, she’s single. She’s available. She can fulfill some lucky guy’s dream. But she’s also intimidating. Her chit is too too put together. Guys are petrified to approach her. She’s out of their league. Everyone loses.


Some guys need to see the wizard for more courage. And some women need to step down off their pedestal sometimes. Don’t lower your standards, but meet him halfway.

"Sorry Courage, Serenity and Wisdom is All I Need"

I once participated in a dating competition (I know, full of surprises I am). Essence Magazine’s ‘30 dates in 30 days’. A female friend of mine thought it was a good idea for me to partake in such craziness. I don’t know if she was setting me up or if she actually thought I was a good catch. Of course I ignored her for like two weeks. Then the silly side of me spoke and I decided to play. I conspired to make this a date to remember. Essence had no idea what they were getting themselves into letting a guy like me have an opportunity to be unleashed unto the world lol.

It was an online competition where five women went on a date with a new guy for 6 straight nights. There were approximately twelve men per woman. Each woman had her own week. Starting on Monday, two men would compete against each other for a date. But the format of the competition was the twist. Weeks before the actual competition started, the men, including myself, were interviewed over the phone and photographed at the Essence offices. We would then be matched up against another guy on a certain day of the week. These guys varied in age, career, personality and looks but we were all deemed as "professional". The day before the scheduled day of your date, the Essence readers and fans would vote for what guy that they wanted to see matched up with the girl of the week. Once I knew the format of the show I figured I wouldn’t get a chance to be unleashed unto the world. I remember being on the phone with my man Chimu while I was in the offices of Essence. I think we laughed for about 20 minutes at all the pointy toe shoe dudes I described that came in nervous and excited to take their pictures. Once I saw these brothers, I realized I probably wouldn’t get a date. The whole thing was a joke, it wasn’t really for me. Before this experience I thought competing for a woman is corny. After the experience I still believe competing for a woman is corny. (FYI If you’re wondering, I didn’t win a date. And believe it or not, I wasn’t mad).

I love competition as much as the next person, but I will be damned if I fight for a woman. Almost anything is worth competing for if the desire is grand enough. But, the exception is the love of another person. This is one of the few times where a man's pride is excused. I know what you’re thinking, and I disagree. It has nothing to do with mine or any male’s ego. It’s not about thinking that I’m too good to compete either. But if a woman wants men that she really loves and admires to compete over her, she’s going to end up with the Omarosa show. Which is like the rest of these dating shows, something unreal. I love, respect, and appreciate women and I am man enough to say that I have searched for one or two of you in the daytime with a flashlight. Trust me, I understand how important you are to me, to men. But if I’m chilling with a special lady friend one day, and she tells me that she likes Treyvon and me equally and that I need to step it up if I want her to myself, I’m either gone, or I’m looking for Treyvon. Trey and I need to talk. We need to discuss how we are going to play her ass equally. Trey should know that I have no problem sharing our mutual friend. We should not get mad, but we should feel very vengeful because our mutual friend has proposed that we compete in an unfair match.

When two people compete for such a prize, the prize is the only winner. Of course to the naked eye it looks like either Treyvon or I is going home with the prize. Actually the only thing one of us did was sign a lease. It’s borrowed time. I don’t want a woman that is not woman enough to make the tough decision. Basically the woman is telling the guy that she will always be up for grabs. Soon as the boyfriend, slide, jump-off, husband or whatever you want to call him starts to slip, another guy she has been scouting is drafted. You’re Eddie Cain, he’s Flash. You’re Drew Bledsoe, he’s Tom Brady. You’re the old Aunt Viv; he’s the new Aunt Viv. I’m sorry but my words would be, “I’m a veteran; I’m not fighting for my job”. “Don’t you know I’m in the union”? Some women think it’s cool to play games to keep their piece “on his toes”. But be careful. When games are played, one never knows what will happen. Some guys may go crazy when the woman tries to make them jealous. Score, points for the lady. But not all the time, there is the type of guy that does not do jealousy. Call us laid-back, lazy or lackadaisical, but we don’t care. Go ahead, wear your "fuck-em girl" dress. But you better mean it. Because imagine if the shoe is on the other foot, we know what happens when women are forced to compete (See link in comment box if you are unsure).

Ps. Another reason why I will not compete is that there are some guys that you cant compete with. If a guy is tall and you are short, you cant compete. If his shoes are pointy toe and yours are square or round, you cant compete. If you like basketball and he likes football, you cant compete. A woman is attracted to what she's attracted to.

"Little Help Please"

Unless you’ve been under a rock the last two weeks, you’re very aware of the year’s biggest story in sports. For whatever reason, a lot of people are very upset. But for those of you that are upset because a couple players decided to join up and show their unselfishness, be careful, it’s a slippery slope. Do we really want to promote individuality to the point where we are shunning teamwork? I think most people disagreed with the move and everyone has something to say. Even Jordan gave his double penny. And although he said this was something he, Magic or Bird would never do, he clearly stated that these are different times.

I agree; these are different times, and in more than just the world of basketball. These are different times in the world of dating. Evidence of these different times can be spotted at any lounge, house warming, or cookout. Next time you’re out, do like I do, sit back, have a drink and observe. Although I do it for comedy most of the time, there are occasional moments where I learn a few things. The same way LBJ teamed up with D-Wade, I’ve observed that guys are no longer as competitive in trying to get THE girl. Some guys have tucked their pride away and decided to take the back seat. You have to respect this arrangement. You have to respect this guy. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to the Wingman.

A true Wingman knows his role. A true Wingman respects his role for numerous reasons. First of all, he knows that he can be the key ingredient to his main man’s success which will result in them being stronger as a team. He also knows that there will be days where he is the main man and he expects the same courtesy. No guy wants to continuously be Duck in the ‘shy-brother’ routine.

I’m assuming that the men reading this know the role of the Wingman, so for those of you women who still have no clue what I’m referring to, please allow me to explain. The Wingman is the distraction when your girlfriend is minding someone else’s business, ie yours; he’s the 4th wheel when the girlfriend just has to tag along on the date; the ice-breaker for the friend that cant get his lines out; the rescue team when the girlfriend is ready to leave; the cock-block kryptonite when the angry black woman of the crew doesn’t want anyone to get any because she cant get any; the tension easer when things seem like they are about to get out of control; he is the ultimate utility man. Ladies, I hope you like and appreciate the Wingman, because you created him.

No matter how confident a guy is, whenever he sees a group of women (2 or more) and he’s attracted to one of them, he considers the use of a Wingman. Although he may be successful without one, he knows the Wingman’s services increase his chance of success. I’ve gotten plenty of calls saying “Yo, I coulda used a Wingman last night”. Once a guy hears this, he can pretty much predict the story he’s about to hear. Hunting for a woman has risen to a new, higher level. Not only does he have to convince the hunted that he is the one, but he also has to convince 1, 2, or 3 other friends of his prowess. Ladies, I already know what you are thinking or saying. You’re shaking your head, waving your finger saying, “a real man will do what he has to do to get the girl”. Boooooooo. Get out of my face. This is one of the reasons that single people that want relationships are still single. Imagine if guys stood in the way of a girl trying to get his man. Exactly.

Ladies, on behalf of the frustrated men that don’t have Wingmen readily available, I am waiving the white flag. We don’t know why some of you hate or allow your girls to hate, but will you guys consider a moratorium for the rest of the summer? Wingmen have been working hard lately, we need a vacation. Sign below if you support the ‘Wingmen Need a Break’ movement.