What do men do to earn the trust of a female? Ladies, if that’s the question for the day, today the blog is known as “Excuse Me, She’s Talking” as I wonder why I don’t have an answer for that question. I am willing to answer the question “what I am willing to do to earn the trust of a female,” but to that first question, I simply don’t have the answer. It doesn’t matter the class, the race, or the age, some women will say they trust, but deep down they really don’t. I have my own assumptions about what it takes to earn trust, but by no means do I believe they are correct 100% of the time. Maybe the women can explain what they expect a man to do to earn their trust. When you do explain, be honest with us and yourselves.
Man should be able to start any form of relationship with a clean slate. He should not be expected to do anything that he is not capable of nor anything that he has never accomplished. If he knows he's busy because the Heat are playing the Celtics on opening night of the NBA season, he shouldn't have to lie and say his grandmother's sick because he doesn't want his new piece to know that he plans his social life around sporting events (see October post "Does There Have to Be a Balance"). There should be a grace period where a man and woman are learning each other. They should be creating a model of themselves. What is he consistent with vs what does he struggle with. What does he like doing vs what is he willing to do for the sake of pleasing the woman. Does he lie when he's late vs does he tell the truth when he's drunk. All the damn questions that have yet to be answered. For these reasons, I don’t think I’ve ever entered a situation where I wanted to make sure a woman trusted me. She does or she doesn't? Maybe I didn’t care or maybe this was something I didn’t feel I had trouble with. Maybe it's cocky behavior. I feel that only a guilty person has to make an effort to earn trust. This is something that should be natural and should not be pre-meditated. I’m not knocking the guy that goes crazy trying to make sure a woman trusts him, but I wouldn’t do it because I don't consciously set myself up for failure. His actions could possibly be giving the girl a false sense of what is reality. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but she should understand that the guy will have some mental breaks where he makes mistakes that may seem like he is untrustworthy when he actually is trustworthy. I don’t believe in adding unnecessary pressure to any situation, especially to myself.
For example, by show of hands, how many guys have heard a woman say “all men cheat?” By another show of hands, how many women believe that all men cheat? My point exactly. How can a man be expected to earn trust when he’s being prejudged on the actions of a few bad apples? There is a young lady I met some years ago that did the most interesting thing to help determine whether she could trust me. I’m not sure the reason for her doing it, whether she did this with all the guys she met, or if she just came up with this on the spot. For all I know, this could have been her way of running game. Maybe she will tell me after she reads this post since we are still cool. But if she was sincere in her actions, it said a lot about her and she learned a lot about me. Ok, I will hold you in suspense no longer. It was either our first or second time hanging out. We are sitting at the table waiting for our food and she slides me her cell phone and asks for me to slide her mine. If I recall, I hesitated. I’m thinking “damn, I didn’t erase those last text messages.” Or, “oh chit, what if she looks at my saved pictures.” My friend is dope, and I’m a sucker for dope girls, of course I gave her my phone. We had a conversation about the stuff in each other’s phone and really learned a lot about each other. One would be surprised how much a cell phone can define a person. Like I said, she could have been g’ing me, especially since after I got to know her I realized she’s a brilliant woman. Either way, this little exercise led to her being a friend that I can talk to about anything and depend on. I can actually say I trust her. I’m assuming she trusts me too. Although some people may think it’s corny, I recommend the cell phone exchange. But be fair, don’t sift through your cell phone prior to proposing the exchange.
Beware though, it can backfire. What if he or she does not want to exchange? Think about that for a second, maybe it didn’t backfire.
Posts
Brilliant, and honest post once again!
ReplyDeleteTo answer you're original question, honesty is how you build trust. Wait, before you guys roll your eyes, I dont mean it in the nagging sense. And every man has had a woman say it that way to him before.
Some do not realize the difference between honesty and disclosure. Disclosure implies making her aware everytime you leave the house, or answering the phone every single time she calls. Disclosure is answering every single sticky question, we as women feel we have the right to ask. I dont know why we ask certain things, but in any respect...
Honesty, has to do with something bigger. It can take alot from two people, but if it is accomplished, it truly builds trust.
By the time a man and woman are mature, when you meet expect that a woman knows that no human being is perfect, including you. She knows you come with your set of bullsh*t. She knows she comes with her set of bullsh*t. But the thing about most women is that they are willing to TRY to make things work. Men dont tend to want to put forth much effort into a possible relationship. Women confront every issue, sometimes to a fault. A woman's attitude says "Tell me. I just want to know." and they assume all the things you think or are going to do. A man's attitude says "Everything's fine. You're overthinking. I am being honest. And, I know myself, and I'm not going to do that to you." and he really believes that he isnt the character that she's seemed to vilify as he gets to know her. And, furthermore, her attitude bothers and annoys him. Men dont like the drama.
Honesty is about being upfront with your struggles. I am one of the people who say "all men cheat", because I know that most men struggle between the nobility of being faithful and the rush of conquering a new, beautiful woman. And, I still believe all men cheat, but to varying degrees. Ladies, raise YOUR hand if you've heard a man say he doesnt cheat. And, fellas raise YOUR hand if you've ever said such. Men lie about their imperfections, while women wonder and obsess over how horrible those imperfections may be. An honest answer would be "Well, it depends on what you consider cheating. And, yes, I've cheated but under these circumstances, etc." And from there you can examine the causes of certain issues within relationships, instead of living and loving in denial.
Honesty require us to look at each other for what they really are, and look at ourselves for what we really are. Then it requires us to communicate effectively, so the problem can be solved, so our weaknesses can be controlled. And this goes both ways. Real love and trust is when effort is put forth to accept each other's true selves, then decide out of the interest/love of the other person that we will work on opurselves as individuals.
The Cell Phone Exchange is a bit much for me. Its a good idea, but do you think it was a spontaneous action? Do you think maybe it was planned and her phone cleaned out beforehand? People are sneaky. Im not sure if I'd pull that on someone. Yes, you can learn worlds about someone through their cell phone but, everyone deserves a little mystery. Dont you think?
***The comments on honesty will only produce trust if both parties are willing to put forth effort and be understanding.
My baby's post is going to be a tough act to follow. I can't call it with this girl, so I'm going to stop trying. Hi boo xoxo.
ReplyDeleteFor me all the women in my past, present and in the future have and will say, I trust you cause, you always been honest with me from day one. Honesty is the best policy and since college, when I adopted this practice, the weight of every fat girl in the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Being honest, might be the easiest yet hardest thing to do in the entire world. Easy, because all you have to do is, well, be honest. Hard, because you may not always get the desired results from your honesty. At the end of the day though, it makes life so much easier. A lie is like a Mogwai eating a sandwhich after midnight. It turns from a cute innocent white lie into a nasty gremlin. Keep it clean and she will thank you in the long run.
Anyways, "I'm not the blame for pain caused by previous cats" - Musiq Soulchild
The best thing any man or woman could do to earn trust is to NOT try to "EARN" trust. Yes, honesty is preferred, and to that end, honest disclosure would also be highly desired. However, with regard to a point that was made concerning people being judged for the "bad" or misleading actions of others, determining whether or not someone is being honest can turn out to be a daunting and miserable task. My advice to anyone looking to build trust would be to: BE YOURSELF. Now that? I'm quite positive will receive a couple of rolled eyes and necks, and probably a sigh just for good measure. Being true to yourself and to the other person will show that you are genuine, and there will be no need to "EARN" trust...it will eventually all fall into place.
ReplyDeleteThe most difficult aspect in starting and nourishing a relationship (whether it be romantic, friendly, or professional) is letting your true colors show, and deflecting any innate desire to try to impress or win over the other person with slightly exaggerated boosts to your persona. Hiding or downplaying your flaws and trumpeting your assets all in the name of garnering trust is in my view the most disingenuous act anyone could do. Although, you are in a sense being honest because you are not flat out lying, you are not being genuine, but yet putting on a show. The show will all come to an end, and the symbolic costumes, wigs, great lighting, and sound systems will all be removed and/or shattered then you're back to square one with no trust at all.
It is extremely rare to come across a genuine person who isn't afraid to let their guard down or be expressive about their own flaws. You seem to be very forthright with your opinions and I believe you made your dope friend feel comfortable. Considering it was only the second encounter between you two, I doubt she had anything to hide. You two had a clean slate, and the phone exchange was just something that was done on a whim. You didn't say whether or not this date was planned or whether it happened "off the cuff." I'll assume the latter for arguments sake, if all of the incriminating evidence was deleted I'm pretty sure you would have noticed her fumbling with her phone before-hand during some point in your hang-out session. Although, if it was the former and I don't doubt your brilliant assessment of said dope friend...you could have been hoodwinked. I doubt that though. What does your instinct tell you?
@ Anonymous - No rolled eyes or necks over here cause we share the same opinion! I agree with you 100% on being yourself.
ReplyDeleteMy logline to describe the man for me is "I want a corny guy who'll let the kids jump on the bed." The kids on the bed part doesn't apply to this topic but the "corny guy" certainly does. MY definition of corny (which does not coincide with the urban definition) is a person who is not afraid to be himself; one who is comfortable in his own skin despite what others may think or say. I've learned that people who are free to be themselves are consistent in their opinions, beliefs and actions. That to me equals honesty and eventually trust.
As for the "honest disclosure" Anonymous mentioned, I'd like to go a step further and say that the timing of honest disclosure is just as important as what's being disclosed. How long one takes to reveal something says a lot about what's being said, BUT there's no rule to it. Some disclosures should never be delayed yet not everything needs to be disclosed right away, which brings in judgment. When I say I trust a guy, I mean I trust that he tells me the truth AND I trust him with my emotions. Not trust that he'll never hurt me but trust that he'll never "intentionally" hurt me. Excellent judgment skills on his part are definitely needed for that, therefore trust encompasses judgment.
As for testing someone... I'm not down for overt testing such as the cell phone switch. I do think it could be fun (or a nightmare) later on in a relationship but at the beginning I'd rather let things unfold naturally. It goes back to the timing of disclosure and what it reveals. Putting someone on the spot doesn't mean they will tell you the truth. It just forces them to be more creative in the story they tell. Besides, I'm a strong believer that what's done in the dark always comes to light... all I need is honesty, judgment and consistency, no testing needed.
To elaborate on Honesty vs. Disclosure:
ReplyDeleteI dont know if I communicated my thoughts clearly, but just in case.
I believe that honesty and disclosure are two different things. Honesty is about being upfront about who you are and your weaknesses when it comes to being in a relationship.
Disclosure, is when a man or woman wants to know every move, every action, every filthy detail about absolutely everything. I was trying to make the point that some think they are seeking honesty from an individual, when they really are just pursuing absolute and unconditional disclosure.
Honesty is the route one should take to build trust, while disclosure can be harmful to a relationship.
Hey Mighty D.R,
Xoxoxo. Awwwww. No Challenge? I like when you argue.
Lady T: "all I need is honesty, judgment and consistency, no testing needed." I completely agree.
Hey Samantha!
ReplyDeleteI think you were clear. I understood that you were speaking in reference to forced disclosure, which I agree is harmful to a relationship. But, I (and I believe Anonymous as well) was referring to voluntary disclosure, which can be healthy for a relationship.
I don't think our comments contradicted each other, they just happened to use the same word.
Lady T:
ReplyDeleteThanks for confirming. I was double-checking that my intention wasnt lost in rhetoric;-)
And, I also agree that some disclosure is necessary to the vitality of a committed relationship.
Great post and comments everyone!
ReplyDeleteI agree with many points made by all!
P.S. yeah.. Mighty D.R. what gives!!!
here's my $.02 (may be redundant)
I treat trust in the following manner, mind you this only works for me, and may not suit anyone else.
I GIVE ALL my trust upfront. There's really no reason to lie to someone you don't know or are not accountable to. So I don't expect to be lied to about anything. I give you all my trust in a basket, as time goes on things happen and items/percentages of trust may be shifted and even removed. That's usually b/c the guy i'm dealing with has now given me a reason to not believe him or something he's said or done.
I let my instinct lead the way. it has NEVER EVER EVER led me astray. Men have fessed up YEARS later and said... "Yeah you were right" so I don't second guess myself anymore.
I don't think it's possible to let someone "gain" your trust. B/c there's nothing that anyone can do to "prove" they are trustworthy once trust is lost. It's like a porcelain vase, once shattered you may be able to glue it back together but you can't put water in it anymore.
SO like someone said, just be upfront from the gate, regardless of the outcome. The reason people lie is to manipulate an outcome. My philosophy don't do the crime if you can't pay the fine.
So to wrap up my rambling, lol.. how a guy can gain my trust, be honest from the gate, and always tell the truth whether it's by being honest or giving full disclosure.
I'm not a "where were you, who was there, what did you do, then what did you do" type of woman but if I happen to randomly ask, where were you and you get to stuttering and shifting the eyes... i go into full on inspector gadget mode and then trust begins to crack our pretty vase.
PS Surprise parties never work for me b/c I can sense when things aren't right and there's a secret in the air. lol.
As for the phone thing, i'm an open book and have NOTHING to hide and will answer any questions raised. however I fear if I ask a guy to exchange phones so we can go through it he's gonna think i'm an insecure woman who will be asking to do this monthly! i'll pass...
Since it seems like i'm being waved in for an encore, let me delve in further on trust.
ReplyDeletePersonally, and it may sound like a crock of sh*t but , aside from honesty being my best and only policy, i've always trusted any woman I was with 100%, but i'd never fool myself to think, "she wouldn't do that." I can't be bothered with the "where you at, who you with, who's calling." I'm not insecure and that is a tell tale sign of insecurity. If i'm with you, I expect that i'm "with you" and you should feel the same.
With that said, you can further solidify it my mind, that you CAN be trusted by doing little things that people take for granted. Things such as: keeping your word, showing up on time, not asking me where i'm at, where i'm going, who i'm with, NOT peeping over my shoulder while i'm texting, NOT looking at the screen on my phone when it rings, NOT looking over my shoulder whilst I'm emailing. Simply courteous things anyone would expect.
With that said, I will do the same. I will give you your space and respect your privacy AND TIME.
Anon#2 chiming in....
ReplyDeleteI think that it is interesting that all of you are basically saying that you "trust" but thats not what im getting after reading your entire responses. Basically you all are saying that u dont know WHAT this other person is capable of but that you will believe them because u have no other choice. if u questioned everything they did u would seem crazy because u dont know them and you dont intend to question them until you have cause.
I personally am of the camp that all "people" cheat. I've been with a guy that cheated on me and i've cheated on a man before. does that mean that i would cheat on every man i am in a relationship with? of course not. but do i think that there is always an opportunity for the people in the relationship to break trust? at any point in time from the very begining all the way to 20 years deep either people can break the trust in the relationship.
basically what im saying is that trust doesnt have to be earned UNTIL it is broken, before that it is given freely as a courtesy.
Good post Es...
ReplyDeleteHonesty earns my trust. I agree with the previous comments regarding disclosure. Too much, too soon, is definitely no good. Cell phone exchange...I'll past.
I most certainly am in on the cell phone exchange. I think that's brilliant and something that very few people realize how telling their cell phone is about themselves. However, it's like you said, this woman is brilliant. It would take some true maturity, security and intelligent interaction to have the conversations that result from the cell phone exchange be quality conversations. If you're already swimming in a sea of misery, self-doubt and mistrust this may not be the best avenue to go. So often, people find exactly what they are looking for, not necessarily what's truly there.
ReplyDelete