As we get older, our lives get busier. We don't speak or hang with our friends as much. Some of them are in relationships and some have kids. Some of them live in other cities. It gets to the point where if you want to hang with all your friends at the same time, you have to check with everyone's schedule and set a date. Fast forward to the future and that day finally arrives. You heard that the spot you are scheduled to party at will be a good look for the night. The outfits are ready to be unleashed. The kids are at the babysitter. The boyfriends are watching the fight. The temperature of the shower water was just right. Food is in the system. You and the crew had a few warm up drinks so you don’t help contribute to making the club owner rich. Basically, it’s on! This should be a fun filled evening.
The crew has found parking. You guys got in the spot without an ounce of hate from the bouncers. Everyone is happy with the table’s location. You’ve been there forty-five minutes and everyone is partying hard and enjoying each other’s company. Then something happens. Someone’s ex-boyfriend shows up. Not a recent ex either. This ex hasn’t been seen in a while. But he came back like the kid that got stomped out in “Menace to Society.” Everyone’s impressed, even his former haters. Everyone remembers the break-up, but no one cares to think about it till they realize their friend has been at the bar chillin’ with comeback kid ALL night. Nobody wants to complain about how they’ve been waiting so long to hang with each other and this particular friend decided to be occupied with an old fling. It also doesn’t help that she is single and has been meeting nothing but squares lately. They're laughing, drinking, smiling, touching, hugging, and they’re close enough that wait, are they kissing? Hell yeah, they're definitely kissing. “Say it aint so.” Unless someone wakes up from lala land, someone is getting dusted off tonight.
The next few days or weeks are the important ones. This is when one or both parties sober up from the liquor or the lust. Then the question is presented. Should this person get involved with their ex-boyfriend? Let's consider the pros and cons. Let’s review the risks and the rewards. But first let's be clear, if you were only “talking”, bed buddies, friends with benefits or anything less than boyfriend and girlfriend, this entire post is N/A. Only official relationships are susceptible to ALL of the issues. Unless you were in a relationship you don’t really know this person.
Pros: Familiarity. This pretty much covers everything. Hopefully each person was appreciated enough that they took the time to really know each other. It can also be exciting if the person has changed some of their ways or has made some great accomplishments during the break.
Cons: Familiarity. The person may have had some flaws that previously bothered the chit out of you. The issue that caused the break-up is usually still an issue. If this person has not changed, one may be tricked into thinking that this person changed. Similar to when you meet a new person, they are going to give their best in the beginning. You have to invest time in order to find out if the changes are real. This could be a waste of time. Also, is this an admission that the desired soul mate does not exist? This could be interpreted as settling.
In this situation, there is no right or wrong answer. Although I have a rule, it would be wrong for me to suggest that someone else follow the rule. It’s all about what is important to you. Remember your list; check it as if it were a lottery ticket that you had four out of five numbers right. Double check if you need to. I don’t need to check my list. The only rule I have besides never settling for what’s not on my list is NEVER GOING BACKWARDS!
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I like that last line. You have to do what's best and healthy for you. And hey, I'm sure you have "mighty" friends waiting to hook you up with someone new ;-)
ReplyDeleteGuys will go backwards to do one thing, SMASH. If you were his bed buddy and you fell out of rotations for some reason, lets get that every Tuesday thing back. Winters a coming. BUT, If you been playing the old "Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown" game with a dude who genuinely was interested in you beware. When he washes his hands with you, and you circle back and few months down the line, his genuine interest has now turned into revenge. All he will want to do is kick your football and kick you out.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the sharpest knife in the draw, but at times, I'm a Ginsu a** motherf***er. I think Anonymous might have thrown a dart at the god and to her I say, EST does have a "Mighty" friend who's got something cooking as we speak. Although EST definitely needs no hook up, several inquiries have been made about my 6'2" (occupation anonymous for privacy reasons)friend. I'm just in the process of weeding the "Lucy's" out the bunch. What fun is football when you can't kick the ball? Are you a Lucy Anonymous? I don't know you, but my gut says yes. C'est la vie.
PS - Oh yeah you get two Mighty's for that one.
I agree but it's not always so easy when emotions are involved. I've never had a desired outcome out of going back just a constant reminder of why we split in the first place. so I agree... no going back. unless it's for the occasional roll in the hay but BE CLEAR that's all you want. If you want more don't fool yourself or the other person into thinking it may or could be more.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I agree with this post. There are pros to looking back but the cons usually outweigh. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t believe in closure, which is just another way of saying “I want a second chance!” Anytime a friend tells me she’s struggling to get over a guy and thinks she needs to seek closure, I tell her... If you want to call him, call him. If you want to see him, see him. But, don’t convince yourself that this is about closure cause you don’t have to “seek” closure. When you’re done your done. No more convos needed about "what happened."
ReplyDeleteIn the scenario ES painted, I can imagine that if one of her girls asked her why she was dealing with this guy again, her answer would be “I’m not, I’m just getting closure,” but that’s the excuse we women tell ourselves until we can justify that he’s the one for us and we're not actually settling. Closure is the road to returning to a failed relationship. But, that’s my female perspective. I’m not sure if men even use the word closure.
I’ll admit that not looking back is easier said than done. I can only agree with this post because I have gone back to a failed relationship and the second breakup turned out to be worst than the first. And to be honest, the issues from the first time were still present the second time, although he appeared to be changed.
Also, another issue that is similar to this is comparing. Someone women may not be willing to date an ex again but going forward every man she meets will be compared to him. I’m not sure which one is worst, but both prevent us from accurately judging our lists.
Good topic Es! Do you feel this way about friendship too? Are you against being friends with ex’s?
great reply lady T.
ReplyDeletewell im not the first anonymous but i would like to first point out that i thought these forums are a way to engage each other in honest dialogue not to be tryna cast asperations on people for their differing point of view. that said Eswild I dont think there should b a rule about going backwards. sometimes you meet people at the wrong time because at the time maybe u still had some maturiting to do or maybe their life took them overseas for a while. sometimes there are reasons to go back.
ReplyDeleteNow on a whole different note Mr Mighty.....Eswild has a ton of people around him that would love a shot to date his 6'2 occupation-to-remain-a-mystery self but im assuming that right now he is a bit busy with other things to enhance his life and career and he doesnt have time for the few people that are currently right there bidding their time. too bad u think that people who know about his occupation prob just want to use that to their end (*i mean dont get me wrong im sure he has some very handy dandy skills but seriously? it aint all its cracked up to be.)
Nice reply Lady T.
ReplyDeleteAs for the "other" Anonymous,
1 - Don't assume. You make an ass out of yourself
2 - I don't "think" people who know about his occupation just want to use that to their end. This is the INTERNET, millions of people don't need access to otherwise privileged info.
3 - Are you Lucy? I don't know you, but my gut says yes.
4 - Do you want EST?
Beside that, I see your point about meeting people at the wrong time. Good two cents.
This is turning into Club Exit.....
ReplyDeleteLady T, as a dude, I've been down the "closure" road and it was just that - closed! I seem to be more visibly open about my emotions then most men, so I do realize I may be a minority in all this.
I went back twice in my life: once to rekindle a flame, and once to put out a fire! Both were bad judgement calls, and definate reasons why I haven't done it since. Neither person are ever on the same page, and the overall situation becomes a train wreck. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm good.
It's natural for the thought to cross your mind - I'd be lying if I said I don't currently think about it. During a relationship, you grow accustomed to giving your significant other the benefit of the doubt and, assuming things didn't end on too ugly a note, never really goes away. It all comes down to discipline - talking yourself outta the clouds. You do this long enough, and, after a while, time will take over and do the rest, putting you in cruise control as you progress through life.
I was tempted to speak on the verbal battle between Anon and D Rock, but he needs no help from me. English majors are like ninjas in the 80's, at the height of their game! Salute! BOOF!(smoke bomb)
I guess I will soon be doing posts about hookups, dont really do those either. My friends throw alley-oops all the time, thats what friends are for. Hookups only go so far with me tho.
ReplyDeleteMy plan is always to be friends with my ex's. If they are true friends, they are usually the best ones because at one point they were the person you shared the most things with, so they are naturally qualified for the position. I'm saddened when it ends so bad that you cant remain friends, its a wasted opportunity.
I definitely agree with the whole timing argument. But something I hold higher than that is everything happens for a reason. Maybe the timing is off because it was supposed to be. How can the timing be wrong if you decided to be a couple? There were obviously issues that you weren't willing to resolve to weather the storm. Or the person didn't mean that much to you. He went overseas. Cool, wait for him. You telling me ten years later, if he goes overseas again, you're going to wait this time even though you didn't do it when you were ten years younger.
And I'm not suggesting never going back be a rule for everyone, I'm just saying its a rule for me. Some people never gamble with women. Some ppl never do business with someone with two first names. I never go back.
And btw, I'm 6'-4" and self-employed.
This post is extremely realistic...
ReplyDeleteInitially, Ex 2.0 seems to have turned over a new leaf and gushes over all the new things going on with them, how much has changed, their new revelations in life, etc. You wonder if maybe things can be different. Their life is going well, they seem happy, etc. Remember those little things you used to argue about all the time? Ex 2.0 is now miraculously above them and is just so glad to be with you. You slam the car door by accident, he doesnt say a word. You missed her phone call, and now when you call back you're greeted warmly, instead of a salty "I called you an hour ago". You sleep together, its great. "Oh Baby you know I missed this (expletive)", and so on and so forth...
Then one day they do "it". Now "it" is different for everyone. You remember "it", dont you? "It" was one of those damned things. "It" either made your heart sink, or sent you into fury. "It" was one of those things that REAFFIRMED to you that the relationship would come to an end the first go 'round. You never know when "it" is going to happen, but when it does it's like you've been catapulted backwards into time and directly into the worst phase of your relationship. The worst kind of Deja Vu. Some will say how do I know what's my "it"?
The "it" comes in two feelings. You know that sinking feeling you get when you're on the phone with someone and they say "I have something to tell you"... thats what "it" feels like. Or that feeling of angry anticipation you feel right before you knock someone out... thats the second feeling you can identify "it" by. "It" will always invoke an immediate emotional response... and eventually... regret WILL follow.
Dont let Ex 2.0 fool you. "It" is inevitable and devastating. If you can manage to resist the temptation, stay away from your ex. People generally do not change. Dont front on yourself. Going backwards is a simply a perverse pursuit of fulfullment and/or personal validation.
This is the first Anonymous...
ReplyDeleteOh, my good friend, Mighty D.R.,
Dost Thou Protest too much? Maybe as a good friend myself, I should be asking YOU. Are YOU a Lucy or a Smasher? Are you playing the football trick or are you softening the pillow now for the winter months coming up? Hmmmmm
OR, are you simply a person who enjoys the company and friendship of someone of your past/present? See, before you go around assuming why people are still around, you may want to try to get the facts straight, as well as, look at your own motives before trying to call someone else out. Two people, regardless of the past and past opportunities, can still be "friends". Wouldn't YOU agree? I think the interesting part here is where you and I differ in situations like these is that I've been a cheerleader while you've been a hater, but hey no hard feeling...I may even keep the pom poms for ya...maybe LOL.
Anyway, I digress. Communication takes two people, so obviously I'm not talking to myself...maybe, just maybe, my friendship and company is enjoyed without the assumption that there is anything more to it or subliminal hidden motives on either one of our ends and how do I know this...because we, the two people involved, have talked about it. So the "Peanut" gallery should take an example from Snoopy and just be quiet.
I mean, I give you kudos for trying to be a good friend and weeding out all the "Lucy's" for your boy. However, no need to weed over here, because your boy is a grown man who communicates very well and I am a person who comprehends very well. The past is the past for the both of us and as a friend, I am more than happy to see your friend with a beautiful flower than a weed...no matter who she may be. So stop assuming, put your haterade back in the refrigerator and just enjoy what YOU have going on instead of worrying about two other grown people who have everything under control. Besides, trust me, this "Lucy" does just fine without having to recycle or be recycled. ;-)
(grinning)First off, Hi my sweet baby Samantha!! xoxox
ReplyDelete(game face)Back to live action. Anonymous #1
I am neither a Lucy nor a smasher. I'm upfront and honest from the door and I'd never lead a woman on (Lucy) and neither do I whisper sweet nothings and false promises and do the BB, beat and bounce(smasher). Sure, I love the company of friends, but when the friend/lover line gets blurred that's when things go awry. With that said, sure two people can remain friends regardless of past, BUT if one has lingering feeling or resentment, then no, you can't be "come over and lets watch a movie" friends. I'm going to either want to smash or hate you the whole time for not letting me smash. Beat it. As far as me being a hater, what am I hating on? I'm a realist darling and you're going to have to be a big girl, hold your nose and gulp this castor oil.
Sounds to me like you personally know EST and might even be a close "friend." I may have shot in the dark and hit a nerve. I'll assume I did and bow out like a gentleman. What you think is haterade is exclusive membership to a gang all men aren't privy to, CMB!
The peanut gallery is now closed and Snoopy is going to house with Woodstock. Funny thing though, Snoopy might have been the wisest Peanut.
Yes, Snoopy was probably the wisest and that's why I said to take a cue from him ;-)
ReplyDeleteAnd that fact that you are honest from the gate is commendable...which is why I have actually been a cheerleader.
But my dear, I'm a big girl all day. That's why I know of what I speak because again the two parties involved, the two parties that matter, have discussed it...you only assume. But thank you for bowing out like a gentleman. I would just say, let your boy be a big boy on his own and you just focus on what you have going on...whatever that may be ;-)
Hey Mighty D.R,
ReplyDeleteXoxo. (blush)
@"I may have shot in the dark and hit a nerve." Clearly. Lmao. Seems like there are a number of us who need to put the Haterade back into the refrigerator, especially lately on here.