ALL CARDS UP

What do men do to earn the trust of a female? Ladies, if that’s the question for the day, today the blog is known as “Excuse Me, She’s Talking” as I wonder why I don’t have an answer for that question. I am willing to answer the question “what I am willing to do to earn the trust of a female,” but to that first question, I simply don’t have the answer. It doesn’t matter the class, the race, or the age, some women will say they trust, but deep down they really don’t. I have my own assumptions about what it takes to earn trust, but by no means do I believe they are correct 100% of the time. Maybe the women can explain what they expect a man to do to earn their trust. When you do explain, be honest with us and yourselves.

Man should be able to start any form of relationship with a clean slate. He should not be expected to do anything that he is not capable of nor anything that he has never accomplished. If he knows he's busy because the Heat are playing the Celtics on opening night of the NBA season, he shouldn't have to lie and say his grandmother's sick because he doesn't want his new piece to know that he plans his social life around sporting events (see October post "Does There Have to Be a Balance"). There should be a grace period where a man and woman are learning each other. They should be creating a model of themselves. What is he consistent with vs what does he struggle with. What does he like doing vs what is he willing to do for the sake of pleasing the woman. Does he lie when he's late vs does he tell the truth when he's drunk. All the damn questions that have yet to be answered. For these reasons, I don’t think I’ve ever entered a situation where I wanted to make sure a woman trusted me. She does or she doesn't? Maybe I didn’t care or maybe this was something I didn’t feel I had trouble with. Maybe it's cocky behavior. I feel that only a guilty person has to make an effort to earn trust. This is something that should be natural and should not be pre-meditated. I’m not knocking the guy that goes crazy trying to make sure a woman trusts him, but I wouldn’t do it because I don't consciously set myself up for failure. His actions could possibly be giving the girl a false sense of what is reality. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but she should understand that the guy will have some mental breaks where he makes mistakes that may seem like he is untrustworthy when he actually is trustworthy. I don’t believe in adding unnecessary pressure to any situation, especially to myself.

For example, by show of hands, how many guys have heard a woman say “all men cheat?” By another show of hands, how many women believe that all men cheat? My point exactly. How can a man be expected to earn trust when he’s being prejudged on the actions of a few bad apples? There is a young lady I met some years ago that did the most interesting thing to help determine whether she could trust me. I’m not sure the reason for her doing it, whether she did this with all the guys she met, or if she just came up with this on the spot. For all I know, this could have been her way of running game. Maybe she will tell me after she reads this post since we are still cool. But if she was sincere in her actions, it said a lot about her and she learned a lot about me. Ok, I will hold you in suspense no longer. It was either our first or second time hanging out. We are sitting at the table waiting for our food and she slides me her cell phone and asks for me to slide her mine. If I recall, I hesitated. I’m thinking “damn, I didn’t erase those last text messages.” Or, “oh chit, what if she looks at my saved pictures.” My friend is dope, and I’m a sucker for dope girls, of course I gave her my phone. We had a conversation about the stuff in each other’s phone and really learned a lot about each other. One would be surprised how much a cell phone can define a person. Like I said, she could have been g’ing me, especially since after I got to know her I realized she’s a brilliant woman. Either way, this little exercise led to her being a friend that I can talk to about anything and depend on. I can actually say I trust her. I’m assuming she trusts me too. Although some people may think it’s corny, I recommend the cell phone exchange. But be fair, don’t sift through your cell phone prior to proposing the exchange.

Beware though, it can backfire. What if he or she does not want to exchange? Think about that for a second, maybe it didn’t backfire.

Fast-Forward to the Past

As we get older, our lives get busier. We don't speak or hang with our friends as much. Some of them are in relationships and some have kids. Some of them live in other cities. It gets to the point where if you want to hang with all your friends at the same time, you have to check with everyone's schedule and set a date. Fast forward to the future and that day finally arrives. You heard that the spot you are scheduled to party at will be a good look for the night. The outfits are ready to be unleashed. The kids are at the babysitter. The boyfriends are watching the fight. The temperature of the shower water was just right. Food is in the system. You and the crew had a few warm up drinks so you don’t help contribute to making the club owner rich. Basically, it’s on! This should be a fun filled evening.

The crew has found parking. You guys got in the spot without an ounce of hate from the bouncers. Everyone is happy with the table’s location. You’ve been there forty-five minutes and everyone is partying hard and enjoying each other’s company. Then something happens. Someone’s ex-boyfriend shows up. Not a recent ex either. This ex hasn’t been seen in a while. But he came back like the kid that got stomped out in “Menace to Society.” Everyone’s impressed, even his former haters. Everyone remembers the break-up, but no one cares to think about it till they realize their friend has been at the bar chillin’ with comeback kid ALL night. Nobody wants to complain about how they’ve been waiting so long to hang with each other and this particular friend decided to be occupied with an old fling. It also doesn’t help that she is single and has been meeting nothing but squares lately. They're laughing, drinking, smiling, touching, hugging, and they’re close enough that wait, are they kissing? Hell yeah, they're definitely kissing. “Say it aint so.” Unless someone wakes up from lala land, someone is getting dusted off tonight.

The next few days or weeks are the important ones. This is when one or both parties sober up from the liquor or the lust. Then the question is presented. Should this person get involved with their ex-boyfriend? Let's consider the pros and cons. Let’s review the risks and the rewards. But first let's be clear, if you were only “talking”, bed buddies, friends with benefits or anything less than boyfriend and girlfriend, this entire post is N/A. Only official relationships are susceptible to ALL of the issues. Unless you were in a relationship you don’t really know this person.

Pros: Familiarity. This pretty much covers everything. Hopefully each person was appreciated enough that they took the time to really know each other. It can also be exciting if the person has changed some of their ways or has made some great accomplishments during the break.

Cons: Familiarity. The person may have had some flaws that previously bothered the chit out of you. The issue that caused the break-up is usually still an issue. If this person has not changed, one may be tricked into thinking that this person changed. Similar to when you meet a new person, they are going to give their best in the beginning. You have to invest time in order to find out if the changes are real. This could be a waste of time. Also, is this an admission that the desired soul mate does not exist? This could be interpreted as settling.

In this situation, there is no right or wrong answer. Although I have a rule, it would be wrong for me to suggest that someone else follow the rule. It’s all about what is important to you. Remember your list; check it as if it were a lottery ticket that you had four out of five numbers right. Double check if you need to. I don’t need to check my list. The only rule I have besides never settling for what’s not on my list is NEVER GOING BACKWARDS!

Stop With the Damn N-Word

Please forgive me, but today’s topic is about the N-word. Yes, I understand that this is a sensitive topic and you may feel that it does not apply to the blog. In fact, I’ve been dodging the discussion for about eight months. The N-word is a dangerous word so I’m sure the audience can understand why I strayed away from it. But no longer will I run. I constantly write about how communication is the key, who would I be if I were not willing to discuss an issue that has been around for a long time. Finally, I’ve gained enough courage to have a little more self-induced controversy added to the blog. We must understand that the actual N-word is not the problem, but the act that the N-word represents is the real problem. Ok, enough with the N-word chit. I’m just going to say it and put it out there. Nag nag nag. Half of women do it, and all men hate it.

I hate to show my age, but remember on Wheel of Fortune when the contestant was at the bonus round at the end and they had to pick their letters. What did everyone do? Everyone picked R, S, T, L, N and E. These letters became main stays. Well think of the N-word, oops, I meant nagging as these letters. When a lady asks a man what is his pet peeve, he should get two choices, because nagging should already be shown on his forehead.

Nagging is like diet soda, it serves no purpose. The only good thing about nagging is that it gave me a blog topic. You would think that since the pet peeve nagging in imprinted on the forehead, a woman would take heed. Oh no, it’s almost as if the woman knows the man hates the nagging so she does it even more. Don’t get me wrong, all women don’t nag, but the ones who do make up for the ones who don’t. Nagging is one of those extreme traits. It’s either all or none. As men, (love you mom) although some of us were prepared early in life to cope with it (mother = woman, woman = nagger), we don’t want to deal with it as adults. We are not perfect. We are going to do some dumb chit from time to time. That’s simply us. If it’s something serious, address it. If not serious, let us know you don’t like it and move on. Sending a blast email to our four accounts, texting us, leaving a note on the refrigerator and calling us before we get off work is not helping the situation. Not only do we hate nagging, but it doesn’t help (I think I stated this before).

Naggers are pests. Pests do things like call you three times after you hit ignore the first two times. Call once and leave a message. I hate when you sit your phone down for four minutes then see three missed calls and when you check it’s from one person. Ladies, that’s not love or admiration. That’s insanity. Look it up. Naggers expect perfection. Naggers don’t understand why they haven’t received a call all morning. Naggers think they are being ignored when the guy has not responded to a text not knowing that he’s busy working or scratching his testicles. What does it matter what he’s busy doing, he’s busy!! No belaboring here folks, that’s all. I think we understand.

Oh yeah ladies, if your man nags, check his birth certificate.

PS. Another point which I was trying to make but fell through the cracks and couldn’t seem to find its way back is, how many arguments are guys starting? We are pretty easy going, right? Or is it just me, I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Does There Have To Be A Balance

February 14, 2010. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. For obvious reasons, this was one of the best days of the year. With a smile on my face as I reminisce, I’m wondering, how did you guys spend your Valentine’s Day? Fellas, were you out having candlelit dinners anticipating good loving as she orders from the fucking side of the menu? Ladies, were you surprised and feeling moist when you received those Godiva chocolate dipped strawberries. Me? I didn’t make it to a fancy restaurant. I did not take a lady friend on a helicopter tour of the city. I was in the house. Don’t feel sorry for me though, I was enjoying myself. The 2010 NBA All-Star Game satisfied my needs this special day. Although I was not with a significant other, I was definitely spending quality time. This brings me to my confession. I’m not speaking of the confession about me not believing in Valentine’s Day (yes it is true, but we can discuss that later). I’m confessing that occasionally I plan my social life around sporting events. Some guys will concur, some will not. I say this because for a while, I thought this was normal amongst guys. But as I’ve grown, I realized that I am somewhat extreme.

I love the three major American sports: Baseball, Football and Basketball. I also often enjoy golf when Tiger is playing, tennis when Venus and Serena are playing (especially Serena), good boxing matches, poker (guess it’s a sport since it’s now on ESPN), and random Olympic games. Basically, I watch sports 365 days a year and 366 in a leap year. No such thing as an off-season for me. Unless a guy is a sports’ analyst or he writes for the New York Daily News sports section, I think I have this sports addiction thing on lock.

I’m not sure that I want to be cured, but they say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Hmmm, let’s see, “Dana (dime by some standards) and a movie or Eagles vs Giants NFC Championship Game”. Dana loses 11 times out of ten. I have a problem. Although that was hypothetical, it’s very comparable to some experiences that I have had in the past. A few years ago, my ex came to visit expecting to hang out that day. I expected us to hang out as well. I didn’t tell her about the baseball game because I figured the game would be off by the time she arrived. Guess what, the game went 18 innings. Me? I’m glued to the television. She could not understand this for the life of her. She stormed out upset. I didn’t even notice that she exited. That probably took some years off our relationship….well, maybe some days. I have a problem. In summary, if I know a good game is coming on, I’m not guaranteeing my presence. I will say anything to avoid the tension. If a woman asks me to do something on a specific day and I respond “well let me see how I feel”, that means she should check the sports television schedule and come up with alternate day and time.

Maybe some of the male readers will comment on where they are with this issue. Like previously stated, I believe most guys suffer from this condition as bad as me. So ladies, unless you are trying to date me, this is great news. This means that there is considerable time for you to spend with your guy. But, if you are trying to date someone similar to me, you better get creative. Its not easy to pull that remote out of a guys hand while he’s watching “his” game. Yeah, the strip tease works, but only for so long. A woman can possibly perform sexual acts, but will he be totally into it. That will lead to bigger issues. I’m sure you women can conjure up something though.

Please note, Thursday, October 7, 2010 will be an historic day. I know I’m somewhat late, but my new Time Warner HD DVR box arrives. Maybe this will ease the tension. Maybe not. I will probably complain that the game is not live. By the way, the DVR is a 3 month trial. Good luck!