Please forgive me, but today’s topic is about the N-word. Yes, I understand that this is a sensitive topic and you may feel that it does not apply to the blog. In fact, I’ve been dodging the discussion for about eight months. The N-word is a dangerous word so I’m sure the audience can understand why I strayed away from it. But no longer will I run. I constantly write about how communication is the key, who would I be if I were not willing to discuss an issue that has been around for a long time. Finally, I’ve gained enough courage to have a little more self-induced controversy added to the blog. We must understand that the actual N-word is not the problem, but the act that the N-word represents is the real problem. Ok, enough with the N-word chit. I’m just going to say it and put it out there. Nag nag nag. Half of women do it, and all men hate it.
I hate to show my age, but remember on Wheel of Fortune when the contestant was at the bonus round at the end and they had to pick their letters. What did everyone do? Everyone picked R, S, T, L, N and E. These letters became main stays. Well think of the N-word, oops, I meant nagging as these letters. When a lady asks a man what is his pet peeve, he should get two choices, because nagging should already be shown on his forehead.
Nagging is like diet soda, it serves no purpose. The only good thing about nagging is that it gave me a blog topic. You would think that since the pet peeve nagging in imprinted on the forehead, a woman would take heed. Oh no, it’s almost as if the woman knows the man hates the nagging so she does it even more. Don’t get me wrong, all women don’t nag, but the ones who do make up for the ones who don’t. Nagging is one of those extreme traits. It’s either all or none. As men, (love you mom) although some of us were prepared early in life to cope with it (mother = woman, woman = nagger), we don’t want to deal with it as adults. We are not perfect. We are going to do some dumb chit from time to time. That’s simply us. If it’s something serious, address it. If not serious, let us know you don’t like it and move on. Sending a blast email to our four accounts, texting us, leaving a note on the refrigerator and calling us before we get off work is not helping the situation. Not only do we hate nagging, but it doesn’t help (I think I stated this before).
Naggers are pests. Pests do things like call you three times after you hit ignore the first two times. Call once and leave a message. I hate when you sit your phone down for four minutes then see three missed calls and when you check it’s from one person. Ladies, that’s not love or admiration. That’s insanity. Look it up. Naggers expect perfection. Naggers don’t understand why they haven’t received a call all morning. Naggers think they are being ignored when the guy has not responded to a text not knowing that he’s busy working or scratching his testicles. What does it matter what he’s busy doing, he’s busy!! No belaboring here folks, that’s all. I think we understand.
Oh yeah ladies, if your man nags, check his birth certificate.
PS. Another point which I was trying to make but fell through the cracks and couldn’t seem to find its way back is, how many arguments are guys starting? We are pretty easy going, right? Or is it just me, I’d like to hear your thoughts.
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Fortunately for myself, I have not dealt with a woman who nags, but I have dealt with a woman who was a whiner, Nags sister. Annoying as all hell and as soothing as finger nails on a chalk board. My good friends girl friend is a nagger to which all he can do is sigh and say "ok baby" over and over and over. He is a bit of a chump though and hasn't put that foot down.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think woman, except my baby Samantha, are like children. They will go as far as you allow. As a man, you need to nip that nagging sh*t in the bud early. First signs of nagging you have to call time out and sit her down and give her the list of demands. I did that with my whiner and she pouted and toned it way down. Didn't eliminate it, but when she did all I had to do was give her "the face", the one your mom gave you that stopped you in your tracks, and she straightened it out.
So, ladies nagging is a no go. Ask once, gentle follow up down the line. Constant tapping on the shoulder will make us take our time and put your request at the back of the line. Now serving #1 and you have #472. Yes, we do things out of spite too. lol
This post reminds me of the reaction I get from most black men when they walk on set (I work in TV) and realize I’m the boss. The reaction is usually the same... they roll their eyes and walk away with their heads slightly lowered. Sometimes I ask them why the sour expression? But I already know the answer. Most black men hate working for black women because they think we’re bossy, controlling and micro-managers which are all synonymous with “nagger.”
ReplyDeleteThis situation makes me chuckle cause what these men don’t realize is that I hate being nagged too but what I hate even more is having to be the nagger. I am anti-micromanaging anyone. We are all adults and if I have to run behind you to make sure you do your job then you will be fired. For me, this is the same with relationships.
In women’s defense, some women nag because the man she’s dealing with is like a child and constantly needs to be reminded to do things. If she chooses to accept his lack of maturity and he continues to approach everything with a lazy mentality, then nagging will occur. However, for me, any man that requires nagging will be let go. I will deal with some forgetfulness and I will gently remind him of things but I draw the line at nagging. Nagging is no fun for either party.
Now, the phone thing you mentioned is definitely an issue. If a women is nagging you regarding your phone call patterns and your schedule then it’s usually a bigger issue of insecurity. There’s something deeper that needs to be discussed.
I have no problem working for a black woman. As my boss, I would expect her to lead and take control. I thought that's why you are the boss. I did however work for one black woman who was a nightmare. She had her own business and felt like she was the queen and was really a condescending b**ch who didn't know her ass from her elbow and was more in love with the fact she "had a business." She also was constantly dusting her knees off after she got off of them blowing the white man that put her in business and fronted her the cash. #nonagging
ReplyDeleteThat repetitive phone call stuff is soooo WEAK! I had a girl once who would call while I was at the gym, which was something I was doing regularly, so no surprise to her. Yet she regularly questioned why I wasn't answering my phone. Es hit it on the head: gym, work, sleep, toilet........assume I'm busy before assuming I'm ignoring you because, if you keep that shit up, I guarantee you I will be ignoring you shortly. Lady T also hit it on the head: that type of behavior is an example of an internal insecurity. Therapy pending......
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm inclined to agree that there are times when us men give women reason to be overly repetitive, women must understand that this should not be applied as a blanket approach. Each situation should be treated as an isolated incident. If I keep forgetting to take out the trash, don't give me shit about forgetting to get milk when I go to the supermarket.
As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with you ES WILD. I won't lie, I've had the desire to nag in the past. It comes from a place of not trusting my partner to "handle" things. I do feel like some guys need to be nagged because they are brainless babies who can't connect the dots. But, not all men are like that. Like Lady T, I now stay away from those types to eliminate that issue.
ReplyDelete***Very Original Post!
ReplyDeleteLmao! I do my best not to nag. I'm very straight-forward and I like to keep things to the point for the sake of my time and his. However, a woman is a woman. If she's articulate, expect her to verbalize her dissatisfaction as often as she is moved to do so.
I see things similarly to The Mighty D.R. "First signs of nagging you have to call time out and sit her down and give her the list of demands... Didn't eliminate it, but when she did all I had to do was give her "the face"," EXACTLY. I think women are naturally the weaker and more emotional sex and they NEED to have their attitudes corrected from time to time. Give her "the face" and she'll secretly panic and think "Oh God. Did I say too much?". If you guys are into each other, she wont want you to withold the attention, affection, great D and F, and the other ways you hold it down for her as a MAN. Flex your muscle alittle and watch how quickly she pipes down. AND, furthermore, the next time you make love she'll be saying your name so sexily you'll think her a** learned a new language. Pssssh! Lmao.
Ladies: I feel that everyone has the right and should be encouraged to express their thoughts and feelings. That being said, there are three rules you must abide by if you decide to nag.
One, fight fair and dont aim below the belt. Leave his parents and childhood out of it. You dont need to bring up what he does for work, or what kind of porn he watches to get your point across.
Two, act like a woman. Hand motions should be kept beneath eye level and two feet away from him.
Three, if he walks away from you while youre "speaking" to him, thats your cue to STFU. He's officially stopped thinking about the issue and is now thinking about every little thing you've ever said or done that's ever turned him off... ever.
PS. Es, is there a difference between expressing a complaint, whining, nagging, and bitching? If so, do the boundaries shift depending on the woman?
Esha-
ReplyDeleteThese are all good points, I like the way Samantha put it.
I do agree that for some women their nagging comes from not trusting their mate, losing the trust they previously had which can be hard to rebuild. Your patience and trust is low, and every second it takes him to answer your call, text or email makes it seem soo much longer than it actually is. If this is the case where as the female was previously not a nagger, or it was manageable, then the man should be more considerate to the situation he has created if this is the case.
There are also some women who are nagging their mate, and may not know it, they may not see it as nagging, its just part of them. If so that is where communicating comes in to politely let her know to give you a chance to respond, before calling, textn again going on and on. Some women may be able to take the hint and others cant. If the message gets across then she may be able to be more conscious of how she goes about it.
Also for some women if you know that your partner/interest has a busy schedule, or is at the gym, then again give him time to respond, nobody wants to check their phone and see missed calls and text from the same person.
I do feel there is a difference btwn expressing a complaint, bitching, whining, nagging, but for men, maybe even most men they file all in the same folder. All of the above is annoying to them, or they are ready to turn their ears off as soon as it starts. I do think that it depends on the woman's approach to it the makes all the difference in getting her point across whether it be a complaint or bitching.
[anon 11:56] Honestly, this is crap, people just aren't willing to admit that there is a tragic flaw in the reality of their desired person. If she looks great, smells great, smiles great, but calls you fifty times a day and it bothers you, JUST GO! Don't spend the next two years wasted stringing her along. She's not in a mood, you just don't like a major part of her personality. Guys love trying to train a female like a housepet. No, there is no need. Just admit that you might have to settle for that less attractive female with the weave you can't standm cuz she never calls you (She might be too busy not thinking about you). She can switch up her hairstyle, but trying to convince a female that is too affectionate, hands on, or clingy for your personal tastes that she is Great, BUT, needs to learn to stop calling, is futile. All it does is make her less confident about herself and sends her straight onto the phone with her friends instead. Every time she wonders if its okay to call you, she calls someone else. This eventually backfires and you, who have convinced her that she shouldn't call you so much, now complain that she tells her friends too much. You should have never stayed in the beginning. It's her PERSONALITY!
ReplyDeleteGuys believe it or not, there are males just as attached to texting, just as mushy about ecards, or dialing up their girl just to chat. As well adjusted as you guys might think you are, there are a lot of roles that those quick conversations play in GROWN UP relationships. Some people really don't have mothers to call, so they ask about what to do for this cut or what to put in this meatloaf. Sometimes they don't want to tell their man to listen to this song on the radio, but they felt like sharing. Get a Clue, maybe some people don't even have friends. College separates people in a lot of ways and maybe, they've grown apart. Yea, you can think it is all cool to tell her she's nagging, until all three of your homeboys get married. Heaven forbid they have children. This blog is cute for this single and loving it crew, but if there is any desire for true long term relationships, get real. You will never talk to your homeboy more than your wife. And if that is where this is going, figure out the personality matches early. If she calls too much for you, stop putting up with it just to smash and let her loose, find someone your speed, and let her do the same. There really are guys like that out there.
Anon 11:56,
ReplyDeleteIt made me smile when you described the men who do engage in the cute back and forth calls and texts all day, I know them too;-) I didnt comment on the blowing up the phone reference, but I've been in those sort of relationships as well. It was mutual behavior and it suited us very well.
I also agree with your statement that if a man finds a woman's behavior to be intolerable, he should leave instead of trying to change her. However, I didnt get the impression that Es or The Mighty D.R. were referring to ordinary, healthy dialogue such as the example you used. Nagging is an incessant complaining, a constant provocation. They both mentioned that it was fine to contact them, but its unbecoming when it turns into borderline harrassment. Im sure we both know of women who dont cut their men slack for anything.
I dont think making it clear that harrassment is unacceptable is training a woman like a domesticated animal. It's simply curbing a quirk in the other who you probably are into otherwise. Im sure I have some poor habits that could use an adjustment.
"This blog is cute for this single and loving it crew, but if there is any desire for true long term relationships, get real." "Nagging"=Insecurity. Nothing will destroy a relationship faster than a lack of trust or faith. I AM a part of the single and not-sorry-for-myself crew but if you look back to Es' previous post "No One Told You to Do That, Not Even You" post you may feel differently about your hasty generalization about the "crew".
There are some men who will put up with a woman they arent into for the sake of the smash and string her along despite a lack of mutual attraction. Those guys are losers. But it doesnt seem that the post or any of the comments are written from that perspective.
Everybody please. "And THAT'S why Samantha is my baby."
ReplyDeleteoh yeah, that gets two Mighty Mighty's in the signature.
[anon 11:56]
ReplyDeleteDisclaimer: 'I come for the fun' a devil's advocate if you will..
Okay, Samantha, I reread, and this is what I got.
"I'm paid, educated, have as many or as little friends as I need, sex when I want, etc. And, yes, experiences shape who you are. I've been "in love" before. No Thanks. Being "in love" in my opinion is superficial. Meet different people, have a good time, learn something, grow."
Mighty, What difference does it make that she's your baby, if you are going to still have to settle down with someone else?
You can dream about her all you want, but if she ever gave up on the novelty of a hypothetical relationship, it does seem you might be the one getting the ignore button.
Additonally, I was directing my post with this in mind "I do feel there is a difference btwn expressing a complaint, bitching, whining, nagging, but for men, maybe even most men they file all in the same folder. All of the above is annoying to them, or they are ready to turn their ears off as soon as it starts."
Truth be told, most guys do not care if it is a healthy reasonable dialogue. If a guy thinks "clingy" is annoying he just does, until he is as well. They classify it as nagging first, yellow flag on the play, and upon return call either give you a pass or fail. They justify afterwards. This is why they should just be honest from the beginning. If a guy is a textaholic himself, then he never minds 8 texts until you actually are harrassing him.
P.S. When they turn 49 and change their minds, they will put up with whatever a cute 28 year old with her head on her shoulders does, because, nagging and all, by that age she's a trophy and you my dear Samantha (a few partners later) are still single.
(Please take all these comments with love, peace and hairgrease #imjustsayin :D)
[anon 11:56] I think we all know what classifies restraining orders, or just psychotic, I think we are attempting to discuss the grey area when females are just lovestruck and miss the object of their affection.
ReplyDeleteA question asked, isn't nagging.
ReplyDeleteA complaint, isn't nagging.
Expressing your dislikes, isn't nagging.
@ Anon (11:56)
"You can dream about her all you want, but if she ever gave up on the novelty of a hypothetical relationship, it does seem you might be the one getting the ignore button."
Interesting. When I refer to Samantha as "my baby" as many participants know, it's not because I am dreaming about her or want a relationship with her hypothetical or not. I say such because, a lot of the times, her comments are usually unbiased, realistic, spot on and come from a neutral place. Not jaded, close minded or angry as many of you comment seem. I have never engaged "my sweet Samantha" in anything other than friendly banter on this informative forum and if I did, although I can't speak for her and where she is in her life, I don't think I will get the ignore button, but perhaps a welcome mat to wipe my feet solely based on her open mind. As for you my dear, you seem bitter, jaded, closed minded and judgemental so the idea of entertaining a relationship with you is not even up for discussion. #wewillpassonyoueverytime
(Please take all these comments with love, peace and Murray's hair grease:D)
Anon, please forgive me if I've misunderstood your response, for I have just read a lot, and my ADD has kinda kicked in......
ReplyDeleteI think its a lil too cut n dry to suggest someone cut a potential partner loose at the first sign of a disconnect. I also feel that your viewpoints suggest that we as dudes wait until we find the perfect woman for us, which - and I think my cohorts will agree - means she meets a good 95% of our acceptable criteria, an unrealistic concept, given the likelihood of that happening. Communication is undoubtedly the cornerstone of a successful relationship, but Compromise is part of the foundation. How often do we find that two people can walk into a relationship as they are and it be successful, without either one of them changing a thing? Not all traits are acceptable - women make this known all the time! And to clarify, we do not put complaining, nagging, bitching, etc, all in the same folder. We may REACT the same, but we know when its warranted and when its not. We know we fucked up when we did what we did, and can see the conflict coming a mile away.
Sammy, I, too, appreciate your approach, and I'm not saying that to belittle Anon in any way. But this forum is (os should be) about information and opinions. This message is delivered to you all in peace, love, and.......does Easy Wave count?
Anon 11:56,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you were willing to re-read the post I referred to. I should have been more clear. I use previous comments and posts written by Es and The Mighty D.R to try to identify the perspective from which they are writing.
Had I understood that you were predominantly referring to the comment which came directly before yours and not to the entire post, my response would have been slightly different. I agree with alot of your points, as I've stated before.
The only aspects that I challenged were the "housepet" comment, which I assumed to be addressing comments posted by myself and The Mighty D.R. And, my favorite: "This blog is cute for this single and loving it crew, but if there is any desire for true long term relationships, get real." Which, in my opinion, is slightly off considering that everyone on the blog (myself excluded) believes in falling in love.
Regarding The Mighty D.R...
He and I are usually of similar opinions. If you cant express yourself and see the world (btw including relationships) with a sense of humor, you will never survive. Calling me his "baby" is a playful jab and wink because he and I are like-minded. It's a flirty high-five.
Whether he would get the ignore button or not in this forum is for me to know. However, I CAN say that I have never be so intrigued or thorougly amused by a person's writing (or mind) through this sort of avenue before. You can't front on him. Whether you agree or not, its fluid, witty, candid, and brutally honest... but doesnt lack sentiment.
"...by that age she's a trophy and you my dear Samantha (a few partners later) are still single." I am a trophy now and I still will be then. I can assure you that I am single by choice, not because there isnt anyone who will have me. I wont be comparing myself to other women, because people generally are blind sheep. Trust that I wont be jealous of her "happiness".
Anon 11:56,
I enjoy reading your comments and discussing our perspectives with each other. Many of your points regarding the subject of this post have been valid;-) Forums like these are fascinating ways to get to know people, who you otherwise may not have the chance to. And I can appreciate you callin' it how you see it.
Where's Es in all this going on on his post? Lmao.
Nagging has nothing to do with being attractive, nor does the tolerance of nagging. And actually, its a deal breaker.
ReplyDeleteBossy, and controlling are not synonymous with nagger. Micro-managing is. If you have to nag ppl that work for you, you either need new workers or you need to take some managing courses.
I've also worked for a woman. Nagging was rare and it was unnecessary.
I desire an articulate woman so I recommend her to voice her opinion on any and everything that she is not satisfied with. But I'm articulate as well, in fact on some days, I'm very smart, so let me know what the issue is ONCE, if I resolve it, then I comply, if I dont, then accept it or move on. We are adults.
Sam, good point about ways of expression, I agree to an extent. Something on your mind, get that chit out. We cant move forward if something is on your brain and you're not sharing. We all have to be able to take criticism whether negative or positive. But she better know what makes her laugh can make her cry.
Bitching and nagging are the same in my book. Complaining is slightly different. Whining is slightly different. The point to all of them is solving the problem. To many people busy complaining and whining aren't spending enough time searching for a resolution. I'm all about progression.
Before I put my foot down about the nagging, I ask myself is the nagging warranted. Then I blow up.
At the end of the day, I just want her to be cool, relax, dont panic. It's not the end of the world.
Most naggers dont show this trait in the beginning so why would I think I could train anyway. If I want to mold someone, I will get a young joint. I dont want to mold women. I want them to come ready made, flaws and all. Of course they have to be flaws that I can handle. Red flags are a no-no for me. Once I see, I'm over. I don't believe in wasted time.
Everyone loves to be shown that they are liked. I dont mind someone calling me or texting me or doing whatever to show their affection. But dont call me for bullchit BACK-TO-BACK-TO BACK. Thats the point. When I'm feeling someone, I want to talk to them all day, but the conversation is not straining, its progressing and usually involves a lot of learning and laughing.
This blog is not about the single and loving it. Its for whoever wants to be entertained, informed, and has something to share. Every post has been based on questions/ issues presented to me as a representative of the male species. One can either say I'm buggin, they agree, or I'm a jerk. But the blog is about true long term HONEST relationships. A lot of people are not honest and they know it. Every post (including the comments) helps at least one person in their current or future relationship and thats what it will continue to do. Thanks for reading and commenting guys.
Lol @ Sam, I was typing while you were posting I guess.
ReplyDelete*Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding* Everyone back to their corners! lol
ReplyDeleteShero aka Samantha and Mighty DR great points... Es great post!
Someone (I can't bother to reread who) said.... (DAMMIT I had to search for it)
Samantha said: PS. Es, is there a difference between expressing a complaint, whining, nagging, and bitching? If so, do the boundaries shift depending on the woman?
Great question b/c I think everyone is saying questions aren't bad, there's just an imaginary line that is crossed and it becomes Nagging etc. I've seen men go back and forth with some women and it's not deemed nagging and some men, after the second question she's a nag.
Mighty DR I agree that women need to be "checked" but men do also need to be trained (nagged in some's view)... I can ask a question, and if I didn't get an answer I can ask again! LOL If you choose not to answer while i'm respecting the "3 rules of nagging" as stated by Samantha i'll drop it and make the decision whether i can remain in this relationship.
Anon 11:56 I see some of your points but don't worry too much about The Mighty DR and Samantha's budding blogging flirtation, they just agree on a lot of points.
Yeah the 49 year old may go with the 28yr old arm piece but if he's finally become a better man b/c the nagging of someone his age then the nagging wasn't in vain.
I'm not sure how I feel about this... b/c nagging has a negative connotation. But our parent's nagged us, teachers nagged us, bosses nagged us,... it was all to help us improve and keep us accountable, b/c we don't know it all. MEN nag women also, they just do it in a different way and about different things.
I'm not for or against the N-word but I am for communication.
ES, I see your point here... “Bossy, and controlling are not synonymous with nagger. Micro-managing is. If you have to nag ppl that work for you, you either need new workers or you need to take some managing courses.” Someone who is bossy and controlling is not necessarily a nagger BUT, to me, a nagger is definitely bossy and controlling. It’s what fuels their whole annoyance. As for the managing course, you hit it right on the nail! The reason why I’m not a micro-manager is because I trust my excellent hiring/management skills. I do direct and lead people, handle conflict and confrontations, but rarely do I have to fire. I will train and build up an employee so that he can work independently but if it reaches micro-managing he has to go. At some point the employee has to take some responsibility.
ReplyDeleteTo the question Samantha asked... I see a very distinct line between nagging and complaining. Everyone has a right to express their dissatisfaction but it’s how you do it that determines if you’re a nagger or not. Arguing and disagreeing with your SO is a healthy growth process but again it’s all about how you do it. Me personally, I like to get the whole story before I blow up. I will ask all my questions and then you’ll hear my opinion. But that’s my M.O. If my questions are answered, I rarely feel the need to nag.
Deezl – I agree with what you said about not cutting someone loose just because there’s a disconnect. I don’t end a relationship just because I’m dissatisfied about something. I move on if the dissatisfaction grows to constant nagging. There’s a very clear line. Conflict resolved by communication is a healthy relationship. Nagging is not.
If communication is so important for a relationship why would a woman that mentions something get no response? I've seen women turn into nags, not because that's who they naturally are but because the man is not man enough to just say, "yes, i agree and i'll curb that" or "that's just the way i am and it's not changing". Obviously, I don't think anyone needs to be that callous, but establishing a boundary or getting some clarity on a situation is not only the woman's role.
ReplyDeleteSure, I'll admit that we're the more emotional gender, but it's not only our job to initiate the conversations or communicate about something not "jiving". Not responding the first time someone says something (there is no time limit on this) or walking away from someone when they've expressed themselves is just plain ol' disrespect. Everyone deserves a response...and no, I'm not suggesting that they should nag for it. It's just that everyone had a part.