After recently watching the movie Casablanca for the first time, I have one word to describe it. Classic! If you’ve never seen Casablanca, make sure you go check it. I forgot that Humphrey Bogart starred in the film. Although he’s a sucker for love to an extent, he plays one of the smoothest characters ever in a movie. Made me want to go shopping for a white blazer, read some of my old Iceberg Slim books and call a girl I have no chance with. Talk about inspiration. Bogart’s character Rick is also all about business. So much that sometimes he’s considered cold-blooded with no scruples. He eventually shows he has some principles besides money and himself. At the end of the movie, he can easily steal a woman (woman that broke his heart) from her husband, but he decides to let the husband keep her. We can all hypothesize on why he let her go. In the movie Rick told Ilsa, that he was doing it for her own good. Some will say he could never trust her. Whether it's true or not, that's what this post is about. Someone asked me years ago whether or not a guy can trust his girlfriend if he stole her from another guy. This sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.
My first answer is “HELL NO. Don’t do it homie.” This goes against all the player rules we learned as we grew up. But before I channel my inner A Pimp Named SlickBack, I reconsider. I reassess and realize that this is not a black and white issue. Lust or the opposite of it may be involved so shades of gray are definitely present. But to eliminate some of those shades, there are questions that must be answered. I don’t care if the guy gets Dick Tracy, Inspector Gadget and Roger Rabbit, he better get some answers if he doesn’t want to be a victim like scrams before him. If she wants to be trusted, she needs to either cooperate or put that move on him where he won’t care until it’s too late. But for discussion sake, let’s say she doesn’t possess that move and even if she did, we are not dealing with a square that will let his thoughts be clouded. These are the type of questions he needs answered. Is this act a habit? How was she stolen? How many times has she cheated? Does she appear to like the new guy more than the first guy or is this just a phase? How long have they known each other? How dishonest and what ways were she dishonest in past relationship? How was the past relationship? Was she dating OJ mixed with a little Chris Brown? Or was it a beautiful relationship and she just got bored? Was she compatible with her ex? What type of guy was the ex-boyfriend? What type of guy is new boyfriend? Does the new guy have similarities with ex? At what point in the relationship did she start cheating with the guy?
Yes, I know the list of questions is exhaustive, but it’s necessary like the security at the airport. And unless ALL answers are good, she shouldn’t be getting on his plane. We’ve all heard of warming signs and red flags in relationships. Wifing up the girl that was stolen from her ex-boyfriend falls in that category. Why would a guy drive himself crazy? I have yet to steal someone’s girl and wife her, but for the guy who has or will, I don’t know how he could be completely confident that he wont be the next victim unless he’s either naïve or arrogant. For the fellas who are considering this act, play at your own risk. And for the ladies, why leave your boyfriend, keep both guys. Noooooo, I’m only kidding, if you can, before you cheat, simply end the relationship. Everyone wins!
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For me, rule #1 is "Don't mess with another mans girl and definitely not his wife." Now, in my backsliding days I have "messed" with a girl who had a man and I got the "I want to be with you" talk. Survey says?! BUZZZZ and for my latinos, no way Jose.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way I can confidently begin a "relationship" with a woman when she was stepping out on her man with me. I'm not that arrogant to think she won't do that to me. By no means am I insecure, besides my hairline can't handle the "where you going, who you with" stress, but every time she gets sexy and goes out on the town, a little voice might be saying, "what if..." This is a double standard I know, but I can never wife a woman who wasn't honorable and stepped out on her man GRANTED the relationship was in tact and she wanted a thrill. And yes, some would say, I aint sh*t for messing with a woman in a relationship and I feel that, but I'm just the opportunist not the cheater.
Contrary to popular belief, I have a soft side and if I'm the knight in shining armor I MIGHT consider. Meaning, the damsel in distress is in an abusive relationship, her man is a cheater, and she is one of those "good girls" in a bad relationship, I'd advocate her to leave him and perhaps we can talk seriously. She'd had to have a perfect record as a girlfriend for me to feel completely confident in my decision.
Bottom line, play at your own risk, but if you decide to start a relationship with a person who is a cheater, don't be too upset if it comes back to bite you.
I agree with you to a certain extent. If your involved with women who is cheating, naturally you would automatically question her integrity. And some of your questions would be necessary, however that does not mean that the person is conniving, and deceitful. There are a multitude of reasons why women cheat and I don't think that "cuz i can get away with it" is the top reason. As a single guy it would be easy for you to say just end one before starting the other, but instead why don't you analyze complexity of the decision to end the relationship before passing judgment.
ReplyDeleteMrs.ICEBOX
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with this.....why...because
Women take men back who cheat everyday, Women take the chance to date a man who has cheated on his previous girlfriends, hoping it doesn't happen to her.
So why is it ok for the man to say no no no, dont do it?
Forgot the phrase "All men cheat" I believe that, and it takes a lot for a man to master not cheating, avoiding situations that will get him in trouble.
I think that some men may have even more trust issues than women.
Yes "play at your own risk", but within any relationship, if there is a cheater that wants to play, then there will always be somebody who will play with them.
Cheating all around is wrong, no matter what the reason is.
Lastly I'm a lady who has never cheated, being a good girl never paid off, after dating cheaters & liars. My husband now was involved when we met, he didn't leave her for me, but they broke up, and we stayed
together, only for him to cheat on me, but we are still together.
But I know If I cheated, me and him will never be the same.
Here is a question is the female considered to be more valuable in the
relationship? b/c its more acceptable for the man to cheat and take him back, but if she cheats, its like she is tainted goods.
Anonymous - Mrs. ICEBOX.....Lets not mix up words. You didn't read me telling a woman to take or not take a man back for cheating. That's something personal. But since we're on the subject, its like people re-electing Bush...if you decide not to leave him, you've accepted the fact that its possible to happen again. I will never tell someone what they should do, I will tell someone what I will do, but who am I. Play at your own risk. I say it because its very ambiguous. It has different meanings for different people.
ReplyDeleteNeither did you read me saying to men dont get in a relationship with a woman he took from another guy. I simply state the facts and the different scenarios that could affect someone's life in positive or negative ways. Everyone doesn't have foresight or the patience to think of how one decision affects their life short or long term. I think I do to an extent.
You've met the wrong men if you think all men cheat.
The male and female should be equal in my eyes. And it depends on who your audience is when you imply that its ok for a man to cheat and its the opposite when a woman does the same thing. I may be in a world of my own, but in my book, right is right, and wrong is wrong.
@1st anonymous, every person is a case by case situation. All criminals are not bad people. You have to know the person. Which is why I say you get answers. And ummm, it would be easy to say end it if I were not single. I know there are complexities when relationships are going bad, but you only add to it when you start something SERIOUS with someone else. Now if you want to play around, thats on you. Its not the wisest to leave a job before you have a new one (I've done this btw), but you would never work two full time jobs at the same time. You may interview, and even accept the job, but not work. You feel me. So lets not act like ending one then starting another isn't the BEST solution.
@DR, you already know.
@ Mrs. Icebox - It's ok for men to say "no, no, no don't do it" because some men don't settle for mediocrity. If your man cheats on you and you go back to him, you are settling for mediocrity. Pack it in and leave. All men do not cheat. Period. Cheating is a conscious decision and some men in committed relationship although given the opportunity to cheat, realize I have made a commitment to my wife/gf and I am going to honor that. Let's stop the "all men cheat" madness. Makes you look bitter, jaded and honestly men don't want to deal with women like this because we feel we are already starting in the red.
ReplyDeleteNo one in a relationship is more valuable than the other. Men have pride and when they are cheated on it is devastating. The only thing we can do to salvage that pride is let her go, as much as it may hurt. As for your cheating husband, thats on you whether or not you want to except that in your relationship. No one should have to deal with infidelity.
Where's my boo? :(
Es presented a few questions that should be up for consideration. With all respect, the list of inquiries isn’t necessary if the three following are answered:
ReplyDeleteWere you in an exclusive relationship? Yes or no.
During the time which you were engaged in this relationship, were you sexually or romantically involved with someone else? Yes or no.
After becoming involved with the aforementioned third party, was your significant other explicitly notified immediately? Yes or no.
If the first two answers are “yes” and the third a “no”, you can draw the following conclusions: The first being, that the person under question sees cheating to be a viable option under dissatisfactory conditions. Clearly, this is true. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have taken that action.
The second conclusion you can draw is that the person under question believes that it is ok that their significant other be under the impression that they are faithful, when they are not. So, from there on out (however long that is) their relationship was surviving under false pretenses.
Because of the psychological function of the Ego, those in question will always find a way to keep themselves from being vilified. If you feel cheating is more acceptable in certain situations and are willing to defend that, then perhaps finding someone similar to yourself is best;-)
However, if you are seeking a committed, exclusive relationship understand that this person is a liability and proceed at your own risk.
Cheating is a product of insecurity. We cheat because we are not confident enough to leave a situation that we are not satisfied with or we cheat in a relationship that is healthy to pursue perverse validation for ourselves. Either way, that person is undesirable to me. I’m not saying I wouldn’t date him, but his chances are drastically lowered and his other qualities need to be so phenomenal that my impression of his character is not destroyed.
@Mighty D.R: Hey:-) The “All Men Cheat” madness will stop when men and women (as a functioning society) are happy enough with themselves and fulfilled enough with positivity in their lives that cheating is no longer celebrated, justified, or necessary. Lol. Don’t discourage the “jaded” from the use of their inductive reasoning, you are asking us to against our natural instincts and have "faith". Not everyone has that capacity. You should sympathize with people who hold this view. Do you think they wouldnt have it any other way? Anyway, Xoxo;-)
(#2 only means second account, no pun intended)
ReplyDeleteMrs. Icebox …cheating and staying with a cheater is a choice ( male or female). If you continue to involve yourself with a cheater it is a strong indicator of your level of self worth. I’m not trying to be harsh but seriously I think you may benefit from counseling as we all can at some point in life. True happiness cannot be obtained if you believe you are not worth having it...
Ok now for the topic at hand...I would definitely agree that entering a serious relationship with someone that at some point you played the side piece can be extremely risky. I personally feel relationships that start “honestly” takes a lot of trust and effort to maintain but to have one establish on a secret relationship where those doubts that are so hard to suppress can become the distraction and downfall of the relationship.
I haven’t seen Casablanca in years on TMC so I may be wrong or misunderstood the movie but ole girl only began to initially mess with Rick when she thought her husband was dead/ missing. She left him (Rick) once she found out her husband was ok (although she didn’t tell him bye). I believe she remained with her husband out of loyalty. She chose loyalty over love. So if in fact he decided to take her back I have hopes it would have worked out. She didn’t cheat but in fact displayed some pretty good wifey qualities (minus pulling a gun on him) and he definitely showed to be a good man to settle with.
Question: What about those Hollywood situations when both parties entered the relationship with significant others…are the odds more likely in their favor?
Haven’t seen the movie but if the scenario plays out the way Felicia#2 no pun intended (btw good advice) describes I agree it would be a LESS risky situation. But then again, did she really cheat and can her current husband trust her?
ReplyDeleteI know of a marriage that began with the wife cheating/ exploring with her current husband while in a relationship with someone else. It APPEARS they are happy and have been going strong for some years. But I guess it’s the luck of the draw. And like most of you said it depends on the character and track record of the cheater. Every person that cheats (I believe may have already been said to lazy to scroll up, might have been Samantha) is not a bad person and should not be banished from relationships forever but it is definitely a character flaw and anyone that desires them should proceed with caution as far as establishing something serious. The dynamics of the Ego definitely goes hand and hand when it comes to the subject of why anyone cheats.
Fe, to answer your question I think double the odds for the potential of a drama filled relationship...but then again birds of a feather.
Good post Es and I’ll definitely consider checking out Casablanca…
Great Post!
ReplyDeleteI didn't see Casablanca but I will soon.
Hmmm I’m one of those "Good girls" that lives by rules and caring more about other's feelings. So naturally I'd say if he cheats LEAVE and don't give cheaters a second chance.
However out of 7 of my relationships only 2 did NOT cheat during our relationship and I stayed until I didn't feel like it any more. I'm ashamed to say that I cheated on one of my boyfriends with the next.
I tried to think about my reasons for cheating. I picked my boyfriend (whom I cheated on with the next boyfriend) b/c he was the COMPLETE opposite of the prior boyfriend. I picked him b/c he made me feel SAFE. Safe from the possibility that he would cheat on me. I "wisely" picked someone who loved me more than I loved them, the problem....I didn't love him enough. The next guy whom I cheated with provided the passion I was missing with my boyfriend. I did tell my boyfriend, lovingly that I had cheated and I apologized b/c I was a hypocrite but the relationship was over. I went to my "new " boyfriend proud and excited to start our relationship and what happened... he rightfully didn't trust me, while my ex told me he forgave me, understood and wanted me back.
Long story longer... is there a definite rule of thumb on cheaters, cheating, forgiving, leaving or going back? Probably not. You have to do what's best for you. I empathize with people who are afraid to end a relationship before starting a new one, but it burns my butter when people cowardly string along two people b/c they don't want to get hurt.
Wait... what is this blog about? ... Oh yeah... to forgive or not forgive a cheater... right? *scratching my head* I think we have to go with our gut on this one, not our heart or even our mind. Whether the person answers our list of questions the "right" or "wrong" way we can't ensure they won't cheat regardless of their past. But our gut will tell us whether we want to give the person a chance or walk away. There's nothing more satisfying than following your instinct and it being right!
Live, love and learn... for those that have it figured out... GREAT share the wealth of knowledge, for those that don't... HEY....better LOVE next time.
"All's Fair In Love And War"......right?
ReplyDeleteMen don't take back infidels, stopping short of stoning them like in the old days - women do. This seems to be the overall "general" view. Reason? Women are emotional. Men are cerebral. Been that way for ages. I don't mean to suggest that there is no grey area. I know betta than that. But, when the question is asked about the double standard, 8 times outta 10, that's gonna be the answer.
It's probably already been stated (I admit, I'm a lil late on this one, and I didn't read erbody's responses), but you gotta know the person. Not everyone who cheats is a bad person, and not all Muslims are terrorists (huh?). I've been there. Mine was a situation that turned into an out of control rollercoaster, and I thought it better to jump, rather than to continue going down with the ship. And, to build on what Pabvon said, sometimes we're dealing with someone who's only about 70% of what we need. When we come across someone who may provide that missing 28% (no, not 30. nobody's perfect), we're drawn to them. It's the vulnerable human in us. At that point, who give a shit about discipline? Again, I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just shedding light on the overall realistic nature of the situation.