Yesterday’s, today’s, and tomorrow’s elephant in the room is the Open Relationship. So many people are against it, yet these are the same people that are participants. It’s like the guy that says he’s not a blogger and then he looks up and he’s submitted 31 blog posts. Go figure.
Open Relationships. For some reason these words are really bad words to people. They rather say “oh, I’m talking to one or twenty people.” Let’s stop kidding ourselves; most of us are single and dating. Majority of those people dating are having sex with more than one person. I’m assuming more males than females but you know what they say when you assume. Even still, we know that people are having sex. Birth control pills, condoms and clinics all went multi-platinum. So you have a choice. Define what your doing or not. If you don't, I will. Or wikipedia will.
Wikipedia defines an open relationship as a relationship in which the people involved agree that they want to be together, but in which romantic or sexual relationships with additional people are accepted, permitted or tolerated. The Open Relationship happens to have a broad umbrella. If you’re a picky person like me, you have options. The Open Relationship menu actually may fit your particular need if you’re considering it.
Polygamy: marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time.
Polygyny: where a man has multiple, simultaneous wives.
Polyandry: where a woman has multiple, simultaneous husbands, or a "group marriage" where the family unit consists of multiple husbands and multiple wives.
Polyfidelity: relationships that place strict restrictions on partners.
Swinging: relationships permit sex outside the primary relationship, but not love or behavior, in which partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other people, sometimes referred to as recreational or social sex.
Polymory: the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
See, I told you that you could tailor this thing to fit you. And most people do. I read somewhere that there were an estimated more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States. Now if that survey is performed the same way the census is performed, that number is really like 1,500,000. Haven’t decided if that is scary or not.
Structure in an Open Relationship sounds like honor amongst thieves. It makes no sense. It’s almost like there are by-laws. You mean to tell me I have to be committed to being uncommitted to a commitment. Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee did it. The mayor? “Mayor aint never hurt nobody,” it must be ok right? But after experimenting with the concept and even abiding by the rules, they decided to stop.
The only thing good about an Open Relationship is there should be no pressure to have honest communication. Jason says, “babe, I can’t talk right now, I’m with Tameka. She’s spending the night. I will get up with you tomorrow.” Michelle replies “ok, cool. I will go chill with Robert. Hit me in the afternoon, you know Rob and I usually go to brunch when he comes through.” Who says commitments are not made?
To me, an Open Relationship is not a relationship. You are either in a relationship or you are not. The amount of arguments that will come from an Open Relationship will make Tina and Ike sad. No offense, but women are not built to handle these types of situations. We all know how this story ends. The woman loses every way possible. She may be allowed to spend time with other men, but the man she really wants is dividing his time. And since most men are biotches, they will not totally approve of her sleeping with other men. This brings us to reality. The reality is that most of us who are single are in undefined Open Relationships. Women want to play. Men want to play. Women want to lock men down. Men want to lock women down. They can’t lock them down. They don’t want to be locked down. Women and men settle for the undefined Open Relationship until they get bored and they want more. They get tired of playing the game. They get tired of wondering if they are owed more. They get mad because they are not given more. If you are at this point this could be a good thing. As a matter of fact, its never a bad thing.
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Oh my...I think we completely agree! (Can I get my relationship badge NOW?)
ReplyDeleteAn Open relationship isn't a relationship... it's just 'Kicking it' you should ALWAYS be 100% honest whether it's "Open", "Closed", "door swinging around and round faster than the revolving door at Macy's during a 1 day sale on Christmas eve". I think I've put enough of my business out there to deduce I’ve been in an open relationship a time or two unbeknownst to me... DAMMIT! *whoosah... shake if off girl*
But yes women aren't built for "Open" relationships if they are being honest with themselves (In my opinion) but I love that you also acknowledge men "ain't built Ford Tough either!" Hence the lying about being in said "Open" relationship.
My question then is….WHAT’S the problem? If women don’t really want to be in open relationships and men don’t really want to be in open relationships why aren’t there more commitments? Could it be that men and women are SETTLING, for sake of regular sex, support, comfort or whatever… to be with someone and ‘holding on to them’ just in case they don’t find better?
To quote my FAVORITE Movie “Love Jones” “So, you just have ALL the answers don’t you?.....”No, just all the questions”
Finally…. I’m not sure whether it’s b/c I’ve been burned enough times or I’ve just given up but I’m thinking an “Open” relationship isn’t the end of the world! Hey if that what it takes for us to be honest with each other fine. Chances are when men HAVE the option and know their women also have the option to be with others… it’s not as appealing. But heck… what do I know… again…. That’s why I’m here… every Wednesday looking for a new post and waiting for my Shero, Mighty and any other interesting folks to reply! lol
Damn man, I never really thought about this issue, but it makes great sense. But as a man that has recently ended a committed relationship, I don't even want to have sex with a woman because of the level of commitment and expectation that entails. I feel you though. I know some people can uphold the laws of an open relationship (these people obviously need help) but the general populous can't. People gotta do it through playing.
ReplyDelete@ jiburgess, well said brother.
ReplyDeleteI personally, am not for all the poly's. Yes there are plenty of beautiful woman out there and I'd like a crack at them all, but in this age of rampant std's and emotional unstable people, it's just not worth the risk. An open relationship to me isn't a relationship, its a fail safe. You will always have that one person to come back to after you are done playing and vice versa. If I'm going to be tagged "in a relationship" I want it to be one on one, committed. Everyman says, they want 4 girls one that has what the other is lacking so he can be completely satisfied, but its bs. I'd rather find 1 with all the qualities I'm looking for and throw in the towel. I am definitely not comfortable knowing a girl I'm into is getting smashed by the next cat. When you're with me, I expect you to be WITH ME and not the rest of the world.
I finally agree with The Mighty D.R.! (Thought I would never get to say that!)
ReplyDeleteI thought ALL men wanted the open relationship but I guess I was wrong. I'm super old school. I only have eyes for the man I want. That's the only person's attention and affection I'm checking for. I want to put my energy into finding out his wants and needs and teaching him mine. I don't have time to play with some other dude when I'm busy getting to know and investing in my MY DUDE! In my world, my man would never want me to be with another man. I was created solely and made especially for him. (HE'LL BE SO DAMN LUCKY ONCE HE FINDS ME)
Es: Great Post! I agree that women will remain in the undefined open relationship until they want more. And, also, that women will sometimes spend time with other men just to even the playing field. Not because they legitimately want to, but because that’s the only option left for them when HIS time is divided. When men impose this sort of relationship on women, it’s just another type of mindf*ckery. The chick will defend her guy’s actions to her friends with the “No. It’s ok. I see other people too.” And that’ll work for a while, until she needs him one night and he can’t be there. Then she gets emotional and frustrated, but as soon as she opens her mouth, he’ll hit her with “Don’t front like you don’t see other people too.” This is where the mindf*ckery comes in because he knows what her feelings are for him and he knows what he’s doing and what she’s doing aren’t the same. But this swindle excuses his exploits and also allows him to be ignorant as to why she’s acting crazy. This swindle makes HER irrational, instead of revealing that the arrangement itself has flaws.
ReplyDeletePabvon, I many times hash over the same question. I think the answer is that people generally contradict themselves. I think men want the emotional security of a monogamous relationship, but their natural physical desires and ego cause them to be dissatisfied with just one woman. I believe this is the truth. Which is why I also would rather settle for an honest open relationship than be fooled by the smoke mirror that is monogamy. This truth keeps me away from commitment. Better the devil you see, than the devil you don’t. Like Es said: “So you have a choice, define what you’re doing or not.”
Mighty D.R.: First off, xoxoxoxo:-D (as always)
Its refreshing to know that there are men out there who prefer monogamous relationships, especially ones who possess your samurai talents;-) However, it seems like you prefer monogamy only because it comes with the least consequences. I know you slid in the whole preferring one great woman to four ok ones, but your other reasons overshadow that one to me. I feel like in a man’s perfect world there’d only be beautiful women and he’d safely and easily take a crack at them all without wounding any of them emotionally. As women, it sucks feeling like you are the next best alternative instead of the dream. Its like on Christmas when a child opens a great gift, but its not the one he really wanted. So the child is happy, but settling. Knowing you’re the alternative sucks. #whyimsingle
Hey Samantha!
ReplyDeleteNow that makes me think that being with one person is settling. Will one person EVER add up to our dream person?
or should we be looking for the one person who compliments us, supports us, and loves us while we make each other better people? I'm sure that person will have some flaws or something we wish we could change or rather do without.
I agree it sucks knowing we are just the best alternative, which is the feeling we have when our men cheat repeatedly.
I agreed with a lot of your other points.
Deep sigh....
"As women, it sucks FEELING like you are the next best alternative instead of the dream."
ReplyDelete"KNOWING you’re the alternative sucks."
@Samantha- I agree that the concept of being the alternative sucks. It's most likely the inner thought of all women who have been cheated on. But, I still refuse to be an alternative or refer to myself as an alternative. That's where you have to separate "feeling" from "knowing." To "feel" that I am the alternative means that I recognize HIS dissatisfaction and I move on. To "know" that I am the alternative, means that I've accepted that I, ME, am dissatisfying, and for me that's not an option. I can accept that I'm not what every man wants but I will never accept that I'm what NO man wants.
Samantha, I love your comments and your intelligent insight, but you have to shake the negative affects of men off. Have you always wanted to be single or did this come as a result of being hurt? If it's the later, then you're giving that man too much control over your life. Go and get your heart back girl cause he still has it.
This is coming from a woman who picked out a ring with her "soon-to-be fiance" then found out a few weeks later that he wasn't just cheating but had a whole second girlfriend. "Alternative" doesn't describe how I felt, but with time I took my heart back and because I survived it I'm not scared to try again. I'm fully aware that I could get hurt again but I've learned that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
Btw, if you have always desired to be single then disregard what I said and continue having fun! (because you should be having fun if it's truly what you want.)
Damn. Lol.
ReplyDeleteI think your points are valid too.
No, I haven’t always wanted to be single. Our stories are freakishly similar as far as your experience with your fiancé. It’s not my intention to come off as heartless. But were raised from an early age with the values we possess on marriage, love, etc. And I just find fault with those concepts because of the overwhelming contradictions that human nature presents in those areas. Some are my own experiences, some are the experiences of others and I question the sources from which our values come in the first place.
I keep an open mind and take everything with humor;-) I hold opinions, but I don’t have more of a clue than anyone else. Lol. That being said, I am not certain its within a man’s natural functions to be with just one woman, which is why I referred to monogamy as the best alternative. I don’t think it’s due to women lacking in any way. I think monogamy is the alternative to polymory, which I believe most men would prefer.
@Pabvon: Hey! I think the person you described who compliments us, helps us become better people, etc IS the dream:-)
Lol @ Samantha. Girl, I didn't mean to make it sound like you were heartless. You obviously have a heart otherwise you wouldn't be on here trying to enlighten others. I just meant there's still some hurt leftover from a past experience, but I think you got my point.
ReplyDeleteAs for your point on our marital values being instilled at a young age, I agree. But, if I had to rely solely on that I'd never want to marry because growing up I saw some good marriages but I saw lots more bad ones. I had to decide for myself that it was time to start adding and subtracting from what I saw and create my own list of values.
Polymory probably is more natural for men, but I do believe that a man could love a woman deep enough that keeping her becomes more important than giving in to his natural urges. You just have to find the right man strong enough to do that, which I know is a whole other story. Lol!