Someone asked me what are the rules for fulfilling the late night hornyness desires that we all suffer from occasionally. Firstly, I'm assuming this inquiry is coming from a single female. I say this because us at andshewonderswhy DO NOT ENCOURAGE CHEATING. We don't hate, but we don't celebrate either. So if you are reading, you are not single, and you get caught, tell your boyfriend that I did not conspire with you on this, at least not knowingly. Now that we have the moral obligations out of the way, I ask the readers to please bear with me. I had to dust this post off. Because it's been a while since I've participated in such an activity, please feel free to correct me if these rules are outdated. I wouldn't expect the rules to change, but I also went to sleep and woke up one day and found grown men wearing skinny jeans. Again, I dont hate, but I dont celebrate either. Without further to do, for best results, I ask that you obey the following:- Snooze you lose. If you wait too long to put in your order, some other lucky or unlucky girl will be receiving the goods. Or even more frustrating, he may fall asleep and not feel the phone vibrate. There is no specific time, you pretty much have to know your personnel.
- You don't get cool points for being early. Prior to midnight is not a booty call, its a date. So if he's hanging with his boys, or actually on a date, your horny ass has to frustratingly wait.
- Be realistic. Don't think that you are entitled to the spontaneous act.
- Don't do desperate. Don't call more than twice. Better yet, you have two other options. Call once and leave a message. Call once, hang up, then text. I don't recommend it, but if you just have to send the message on facebook, make sure you don't leave it on his wall. This could be a tragedy.
- Health assessment. If you call the guy and you recognize he's been drinking, give his ass a sobriety test. For obvious reasons, you don't mind a little intoxication, but for other obvious reasons, you don't want him white boy wasted either.
- No distractions. Cell phones off. Roommates locked away or evicted. Babies at babysitter, NOT SLEEP. If conditions at either home are not suitable, GETAROOM!
- Appropriate behavior. Once you're at the meeting place, whether it is your place or his, unless small talk is included in the foreplay package, 86 it. Talk about your day via text in 24-48 hours.
- Keep garments close. After you are done, leave. Someone has to leave. Unless Round 2 is in the immediate future, bounce. We don't want the lines blurred, this is a booty call, not a slumber party or a relationship. (Not saying it cant turn into a relationship; I have to say that for the dreamers and to keep my ratings up ;-)
- Be fair. Return the favor occasionally when you are called upon. Otherwise, your priveleges will be limited.
- Remember tidyness. Make sure each participant is clean. Unless he comes in smelling like Dove, do the world a favor, wash his ass. All important places should be spic and span. (And don't forget your places ;-)
- USE CONDOMS. And no, not the ones with holes pre-poked in them.
I warn you, if you adhere to these guidelines, be prepared for better booty call experiences. Enjoy!
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This is so spot on, I only have to comment or shall I say reiterate #7 and #8.
ReplyDelete#7 - Like EST said, all that small talk needs to go when its 2:40am. The only talk permitted when you are the recipient of a booty call is "locker room talk." That is, whilst asking how your night was, I am simultaneously taking off my clothes in preparation of bangin. We've all done it at the gym, keep a casual conversation going whilst changing into or out of workout gear, shoulder pads, cleats or what have you. #lockerroomtalk
#8 - One word, LEAVE. You don't go to the movies and after its over hang out cause you like the reclining chair. You requested a service and you got it. Don't ask me "why am I leaving." I came over to scratch your itch not spoon in your full size bed as you burrow you head under my arm and put your leg across me and dare I say SNORE! I'm out, Ghostbusters! We came, we saw, we kicked its ass. Lock the door boo...
hahahahahahahaha! You and the Mighty D.R. are easily my favorite men. (low standards? lol)
ReplyDeleteI find this post entertaining. I'm not the booty call type and never had one but i'll keep this list tucked away just in case.
So just to be clear, if called over or got a late night guest, if no one leaves after it's NOT a booty call?... got it... I need Samantha to weigh in! lol
So entertaining... "you guys!" *Goonies voice*
Ah! This topic is ironic, considering the previous posts. Well articulated nonetheless.
ReplyDeletePabvon, im with you. I try to avoid Booty Calls. Not because I'd feel used, but because 1) empty sex is boring and 2) the men I choose to let enjoy me I really respect and admire and naturally like being around. However, Im not in a relationship, so maybe that makes someone I sleep with a "booty call". I dont know. But for the Booty Call patrons, the list is absolutely necessary.
I agree with everything on the list but ill address three.
#4.Any woman who needs to blow someone's phone up like a telemarketer who'd like to see if you'd like to participate in a random nailing of her vagina has a self-confidence issue. C'mon, "Booty Calls" are essentially sex on discount. It's practically going up to man and being like "Excuse me sir? Sex with me is on clearance tonight from 3:00am-5:00am. Take advantage of this special offer and your name will be considered to recieve future promotions" AHAHAHAHAHA! Pssssh! Shoot him one text. no response? Move on. And when the first one calls back, hit him with the "Nevermind".
#7. I think after 2:00am people should ONLY be able to use their mouths do or say dirty things. However, women tend to babble when they feel uncomfortable. What do you expect them to do? Wait in your living room, in the dark, silently while youre fumbling around your bedroom searching for what they hope is a condom? LMAO. Apparently, Es and The Mighty D.R want you to be gritty and show up at their door pizza-delivery guy style, except when they say "Who?", you say "P***y!"
#8.Fair enough. Even though I know every man has had a "Booty Call" or two that they HAVE wanted to spend the night with, even if its only because you love how her body looks naked in bed when the sun comes up. And furthermore, men love to recieve affection, just not as often as women. And going even further, men snore AND fart in their sleep. However, Ladies this is not a movie. Putting your big, hairy head on his chest constricts his breathing (and is itchy) and leg over his torso restricts his movement. Let him sleep in peace after laying it down. What I would do, is place one body part so it is discreetly touching his. He'll feel you touch him and it says "I dont mind you being close to me while I sleep because Im comfortable with you" without being too much. And, once he gets used to it, if he feels the same he'll place himself in a position towards you for spooning.
Es, you forgot one
#12.Skip the Pet Names. "Baby", "Babe, "Boo" (unless used in humor), "Sweetie", "Sweetheart", "Mama", and "Beautiful" all get a warm wipe down right after (especially if u put it DOWN), an overnight stay, and a random "How's your day going?/Thinking of you/Miss u." text within a day and a half. Chances are you arent fooling her or yourself.
Great Post, once again!
[anon 11:56] samantha's #12 is the best!... sadface.. i fear i'm both too young and too old for some of these emotions.. ugh! i'm not saying i don't understand but truthfully.. the reality is depressing. I wouldn't mind the days when everyone had to be married to screw... there was a free for all around ages 20-24 everyone had kids and let the chips fall where they may.. What the hell?.. if you mess up get divorced like everyone else around 45 and try again.. if u make it to 65 and theres any libido left.. third times a charm..
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA! Samantha is our SHERO! lol
ReplyDeleteI literally LOL'd at *knock knock knock* who is it? P^$$%!
With a plethora of diseases going around there shouldn't be any booty calls! Women are way to emotional for them. They pretend they can do so only to get hurt in the process! Men typically use these women knowing they are looking for more then a boot call and clearly in the wrong matter! I also believe that men lead women on in order to get said booty call because they are so lame themselves or not stand up men! To the rules in reference to the one sidedness of these pro male blog entries to Steven Wilder (ES) and
ReplyDeleteDennis Robinson (DR) - (lames &
pretenders) you are probably the ones who would like the chick to stay. While she's removing her soft and curvy
thigh off your ass you are doing the roll
over reach to get her to slide over and stay! Lets not pretend you got like that
because neither of you dont!! Also lets get pro women on here to even out the
blogs. This chit is so onesided at times.
Not ever women is dumb, desperate or
whore etc. Lets talks about yall sneaky, cheating, liar of a man who I believe most men are at many times when it
comes to women men relations! Since I'm airing this out ES & DR I have never seen pulling any chicks like that at all. College doesn't count the lamest dudes are able to achieve that! In the 'real world' neither of you are the ladies man at all so lets not pretend you are. None of you are pulling quality women. The blogger and said wingman who inputs his 1 cent always has some much to say wishing they were that dude. When in reality they are not. Watching from the sidelines. This a fact. ES & DR are the ones who call and plead for that booty! Btw DR lives in the projects! Real talk!
Entertaining at times but LAMES! I will tell it ALL. I just made this interesting didnt I. Starting telling to truth about relations then it would be interesting.
@Anonymous: Well firstly, you write like you're in high school, so im wondering if you ever even knew them in college.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, Dennis and Stephen are both really attractive men and im sure getting some is all too easy. That is, except for hatin' ass females like you. Your comment was really ugly and pathetic. Funny you think you're bad enough to air anyone out when youre hiding behind the "Anonymous" moniker. Have you been rejected by one of them? Oh wait, maybe they tried to holla at one of your girls and you're salty because you got shown no love... :-( When you criticize someone else you reveal some truth about yourself. "Real Talk!" Lmao.
I'd go thru and tell you about why so many of your above stated comments are irrelevant and unwarranted, but I doubt you'll get it. You didnt make anything more interesting than it was. I've read every post and comment on this blog and yours is the most nasty and hateful by far. Unfortunately, the valid points you brought up regarding how men lead women on etc, have been overshadowed by your startling insults. Im sorry YOUR life is going so poorly.
If Es and D.R. dont matter, get off their d***. If you dont like whats said on the blog, dont read it. However, it does seem like you may need it the most.