Padding Stats

Warning. The topic to follow may be dangerous to some. Do not recommend, paraphrase or forward this to your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or prospect if either of you are insecure, dishonest or intolerant. Trust me, the argument is really not worth it. But, for those feeling froggy, lets discuss the old adage “Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t.” In a society fixated with statistics and comparisons, numbers tend to be the poster child for certain objective thinking. As a former math lover (prior to college calculus), I understand the power in numbers. In fact, I do agree, numbers don’t lie, but they don’t necessarily tell the entire truth either.

For those who have yet to catch on, excuse my vagueness, but I’m speaking of the number that represents a person’s amount of sexual partners. Some of you are already counting by point five (0.5). Have fun, I’m not going to ask you how many you’ve caught in your web anyway. On second thought, maybe I will. But first, let’s at least make it clear that vaginal sex, anal sex, and fellatio aka chromy dome or any other kind of oral pleasures qualify as a digit. The number does not include the amount of sexual acts; no one cares how many times you’ve done it with the same person, that’s boring. The interest is in sexual partners. Some people will hide this number like it’s a family secret.

Although the numbers may not lie, the people submitting them can. When women lie about their “number”, they tend to go for the innocent lower number. Depending on who a man is lying to, he may be shooting for the stars with his number, or he may be trying to simply “fit in.” The rhetorical question of the day is, why? I feel everyone should wear their number proudly as if it were a football jersey of a family member who is in the hall of fame. At the end of the day, it represents your history. Like I previously stated, the number doesn’t tell the entire truth. A high number doesn’t mean someone is promiscuous, afraid of commitment or experienced, and a low number doesn’t mean someone is an inexperienced angel. Honestly, I don’t think a number can be definitive of someone’s character. Now in my most serious tone, the number does indicate how many times a person has been susceptible to creating a child or swapping special monsters. But even with that said, there are people that mistakenly went half on a baby with their first partner, just as there are people that have been doing the nasty for decades and never had to visit the clinic.

Now that we know that numbers can be honest and incorrect, and numbers can hide some of the truth, do they really matter? I’ve never been asked what my number is and I’ve never judgingly asked what someone else’s number was. So again, do they matter? No one is asking for them on the first date, so we subconsciously know that they are not deal breakers. Understandably, no one wants a sloppy hoe, but I’m sure we don’t need to know a sloppy hoe’s number to know that he or she is a sloppy hoe.

It is important that we know what a number can mean, but for the most part, a surprising number will only make one second guess their reason for dealing with a person. If a guy meets a girl, likes a girl for who she is and what she brings to the table, finding out about a high number and being upset will only do him a disservice. If she’s not a virgin homie, just pray that her number isn’t increasing while she is with you. Then you have issues.