What are we doing? Those are the four words women hesitate to ask and men dread to hear. For women, it seems like asking this question is something they can’t control. No matter how long it’s been on their mind, it comes out during the most unassuming situations. Middle of sex, as the car on the roller coaster is going up, at the party everyone is at while you’re dancing with an old fling, or at the end of a successfully romantic dinner. These words are like the devil that just has to get out! I mean ladies, what answer you really want. Do you at least want it to be sincere?
A lot of guys, through no fault of their own, are simply out there exploring their options. They will go years leasing a female. When the lease is up, it’s on to the next one. I guess if they find the one they want, they will exercise the option to buy. Unless the guy is out there leading-on women on purpose, it’s very judgmental to say whether a guy is right or wrong for these actions. Women do the same, except they usually get out before it gets to the point where a guy is looking for his title. It’s definitely not difficult to recognize a guy that’s under a woman’s spell and is ready to make it official. You will spot him a mile away. But, I rather discuss the woman’s need to be united.
Personally, the title means nothing to me. I value fruitful relationships and companionships, but I couldn’t care less about the title. Its more about the actions, the communication and the respect between the couple. Hey, but that’s me, judge me. I am understanding though. I do see both sides of the coin. I will not deny that a title has merit. The title means that rules are in place. It means that certain excuses can no longer be used. It also lets others know that they need to act accordingly. It represents a major step in both parties’ lives. When a guy is with his boys and he introduces his female partner as his friend, it doesn’t mean as much as when he says that she is his girl. Now, she commands a whole new kind of respect. Friends now know that they can’t talk any kind of way about or around her. She’s reached a very desirable status. From now on, she has the right to come to every function. Every wedding, Superbowl party, couple retreat, office cookout, she wants in. And the sad part is, the man can’t argue. Yeah I know fellas, it sucks, but this is what happens when you turn over your rights, sorry I meant become official. This leads me to why men will remain elusive for as long as possible. He may not give you the title, but he will “lets work towards something” you to death.
Like I said, a title is the unofficial way of making the relationship official. I’ve learned that no matter how much time the guy spends with the girl, no matter how many birds he let fly away, his actions mean nothing to most women unless the title is present. Its somewhat similar to a woman being engaged for mad years. (Sorry fellas, women have caught on to your little trick. You can no longer “buy time” by buying a little rock.) This might be the worst thing you could do. Once they start parading around town, hitting up beauty salons and baby showers, it’s a doobie. Once the wedding planning commences, you might as well tell your best man to start planning the bachelor party. After a while, you will feel more pressure than the last kid in his crew who hasn’t lost his virginity. But before we even get to the engagement, let’s try to get to boyfriend/ girlfriend status. You can believe that after you guys have been doing the damn thing for a substantial amount of time, the phones are ringing and the birds are chirping. No pun intended. And guess what’s being discussed. That’s right; you guessed it “is he is afraid of commitment”. The guy has no clue that half of his girls’ friends even knew him. Surprise homie, they know you, and they know all your business. Unfortunately, if ‘he aint goin’, ‘he aint goin’. I go by a philosophy that is very simple. Everything will happen the way it is supposed to happen. It’s a difference between ‘afraid of commitment’ and ‘ready for commitment’. When a man is trying to coerce a woman to have sex before she is seemingly ready, sometimes there is no limit to what he will do. He might even pull out his chivalry tactics. But unless the woman is ready, none of this will matter. This situation is no different. When he is ready for the title, it will be undeniable. Its like falling in love, he will not be able to fight it. So ladies, turn your clock off because your destined to be off schedule. If you are on-schedule, and the early stages are going as planned, wait for the monkey wrench, it's coming. Your Pinky and The Brain masterplan means nothing if he’s not ready to participate. You should be patient, if he is meant to be yours, he will be. But fellas, there’s always a but, if you take too long, someone else that's built for the title will definitely swoop in like a seagull snatching bread from a pigeon.
PS. Ya’ll know he wasn’t going to stay in Cleveland. (See earlier blog post ‘James West’)
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"What are we doing?" uuuuh having sex?
ReplyDeleteSorry fellas, but I am with the ladies on this one. Ladies, you have every right to ask that dreaded question under ONE circumstance. That is, if the guy you're dating, bonin, hangin with, whatever DOES NOT explicitly say what his intentions are. If he tells you straight up, "I'm dating, not looking for anything, this is where my head is at right now" and you want the opposite but still elect to press your luck with him, IT IS YOUR FAULT. Ladies, you cannot change a mans mind. Period. Stop trying, it won't happen. I take that back, if you are willing to be a thorn in his side for four years while he parades the town and he finally submits, then you might possibly have succeeded in "changing his mind."
Fellas, a wise woman from Brooklyn (my best female friend) told me, "you have to remind a woman, like her period every 28 days, where y'all are at because she will assume in her head it's going somewhere when in your head you know it's not." I live by that so there is no clouds in the sky and everyone is crystal clear. Being upfront and consistent with what you want will save you headaches down the line.
Ladies, in conclusion. Stop settling for mediocrity. If you feeling a guy, but he's not on the same page, he's not the one for you. Be strong and move on. This will save your the heartache and confusion. And for the fellas, man up and stop mind fu**in these women. You claim to keep in "100" so do that with the women you court.
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ReplyDeleteSo while I agree with the theory of if the "timing is right"...I have to say that that can only work if a guy is sincerely interested in a serious relationship for himself at some point. I mean you said it yourself, there will be one that swoop in like a seagull...those are the ones who know what they want for themselves, so they know how to recognize it in another.
ReplyDeleteFor the females who are (purposely) confusing the right "timing" and the dude that isn't being sincere, they should read the earlier post where you addressed "signs that you are not the one".
Thanks for keepin it 100 Mighty D.R.
Mighty D.R., THANK YOU! now that's keeping it 100! and kudos to your female best friend for sharing that info with you, but more importantly kudos to you for actually listening and practicing. Now if only ALL men would listen and then all women LISTEN to what the men are saying to us every 28 days then we would ALL enjoy dating WAY MORE! it would be off the chain! lol
ReplyDeleteAs a woman, i know I don't want to ask "what's up with us" for fear of the ole jedi mind trick that will have me feeling like i'm being clingy when, really dude, I just want to know, if I can go on a date with the cute guy next door or should I say no thank you!
Este.. great post once again.
good post. titles can be tricky. For me, a title is like a job description in that it sort of clarifies what each party is signing up for and like you said stephen it "means that certain excuses can no longer be used. It also lets others know that they need to act accordingly". I appreciate that aspect of it.
ReplyDeleteHowever, more important for me than what I want to call him or him to call me, is how I am being treated because people don't often live up to the titles we give them. For instance many people have the title of mother and father but are AWFUL, terrible, despicable parents. So in that aspect a title means nothing.
Overall, your post reminds me of something I heard a married man once say (to paraphrase because my memory is not what is used to be...lol) he said: "ladies, stop forcing love. You will know what it is, how it feels, what it feels like when it is there. Don't you just want to brush up against love?"...and to that i say yes! you can keep the title.
I used to feel like you, ES, about the title being irrelevant as long as the connection is there. I pretty much ran from titles until I graduated from college. Hated the restriction they placed on the relationship and how it changed the free-flowing of us just being “us.” But, your post is exactly why I had to drop this attitude after college. Those things you mentioned that you call “turning over your rights,” such as going to weddings, superbowl parties, office cookouts, oh and lets not forget the big one.. EXCLUSIVITY... are what I tend to think of as “entitlement.” When I invest my time, shouldn't I feel entitled to a return on my investment? Not saying that when you’re just hanging with a guy that he can’t invite you to these events but who wants to keep guessing? I rather know I deserve to have these benefits than feel like I'm privileged to have them.
ReplyDeleteYou also brought up another good point... You tell women to turn off their clocks and be patient. Patient implies waiting for something. But yet we all know we can't expect anything from a man who is not ready to be serious. So my question is “what exactly are we waiting for? Why tell us to be patient when there's a good chance there’s nothing to expect?” Although I am not in favor of doing status checks, I do not believe they are always signs of impatience. Not all women seek to pursue multiple interests, therefore it's like another poster said, sometimes you just want to know if you can go out with the next guy or not. In this dating age you can’t leave anything to assumption. We need to KNOW. And, thanks Mighty D.R. for stressing that in your post!
[anon 11:56] I guess... i just don't want to date unless the guy is actually looking for a potential wife.. That doesn't mean it has to be me, but, I think that should always be clear. 40 is way late too have toddlers.. pure and simple and if a guy is 35+ and doesn't have kids.. junior football is looking weak..
ReplyDeleteI think that, for most dudes anyway, that when a female stresses the need for a title, it's like an ultimatum, and dudes do not like ultimatums!! They (ultimatums) often times force adverse, inaccurate reactions, that both parties end up paying for with their sanity in the end, and the "end" often times is ugly. I think the only time for a female to be certain a guy is in it to win it is if he initiates the title-giving. Should women be forced to play the waiting game in the meantime? Not at all. I feel you have every right to ask. But, as Mighty said, sometimes you ask, get a definitive answer, and because that answer dosen't favor your interests at the time, you enter into a state of denial, thinking that if you hang around long enough you'll eventually grow on him. Wrong move. You might just end up becoming a glorified booty call.
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