‘Friends are off-limits’. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I’ve heard this expression while eavesdropping on a group of females. Pretty sure I chuckled every time. Sometimes under my breath, sometimes out loud. I’m humored for two reasons: 1. I don’t believe that everyone in this group of 3-6 females is adhering to that rule. 2. Why should they have to? By now, you guys know my stance. All is fair is lust and war. Although some things may not be right, they are fair.
The reality is friends are definitely in-limits. Although we may not see it with the naked eye, it’s happening. Whether it’s in the hood, on a college campus, or in the big corporate office, no class of people are immune. Of course, there is an exception to the rule. For guys, the unwritten rule is you can not have relations with your close friend’s ex-girlfriend.
Like most unwritten rules, a potential culprit will find some way to make this ambiguous. How close should the friend be? How long should they have been a couple before they’re validated? What if the guy has a million ex-girlfriends, are all of them removed from the menu? What if he didn’t love her? Is it ok if the female approached the ex’s friend? As much as I would love to say, “do what you would have someone do to you”, I cannot, because a lot of guys will get in trouble with this thought process. Some guys are just scumbags and they follow no code of ethics. If we’re respecting rules, the best way to approach the situation is “Know Your Personnel”. In other words, we know who our friends are and we know their behavior. Some are very sensitive and same couldn’t care less. Some internalize their feelings, some punch holes in walls. In summary, act like your ass is transporting anthrax, BE CAREFUL. Those that choose to ignore the rule are usually the one’s that are creeping. You know who you are. There are probably a few others that know who you are as well. No, you don’t have to look over your shoulder at this very moment, but don’t think you’re the only one up at 3am going to the corner store. We see you, ooops, I mean the other people creeping see you.
For the players who are non-applicable to the unwritten rule, play ball. The loopholes have allowed you to at least argue or act stupid when your friend approaches you. You can either say you didn’t know, or you can read the following and present a good argument.
First of all, people disapprove of it because they have entitlement and ego issues. They think that everything belongs to them. Listen lady, just because you went on 3 dates with him, you petted his dog and he met your step mother, it doesn't mean he can't date any of your 600 Facebook friends. It’s in the past, you should be moving forward and focusing on the new love of your life, whether its real or in your dreams.
Constant events remind us that this is a small world. The same types of people (class, race, career, social life, etc) usually hang in the same circles. We are almost guaranteed to meet someone who we are attracted to that was previously attracted to an associate of ours. Contrary to popular belief, there may not always be other fish in the sea. Fellas you might meet this bad chick and ladies you might meet this fine brother from the bank who really gets you and is actually as attracted to you as you are to them, but you have this restriction. This restriction you agreed to only because the situation hadn’t happened to you. It sounded like a good idea at the time. You felt that this rule was good for your click; it would ensure you guys would be bffs forever and a day. Bullchit!! Be cool if you want to, you will lose. True, most likely this will only be another fling. Something that is short-lived. Maybe it will not be though. Think of the potential this has to erase your current slump. The last ten you’ve met have been duds. Give in to temptation. If necessary, creep if you have to until it gets serious. Then show up together at game night. POW!
Creep. Yes, I suggested it. But it’s only for those who are too coward to admit that they are enjoying the company of a friend’s ex-boo (ugh, that word again). I have witnessed a few situations where a girl I used to talk to ends up creeping with a dude I was cool with. Not yet has it bothered me. In fact, it’s actually entertainment. Thanks guys. And yes, you can come out now.
One last thing, we can still be cool, but I have to charge consulting fees if you need advice on how to handle each other.
Posts
test
ReplyDelete“Know Your Personnel.” I like that! Nicely sums up what I’ve been telling my friends for a long time “know who you can and cannot trust around your man.” Never assume cause she’s your “friend” she won’t creep with your man and never assume that cause he “loves” you he won’t notice her hour-glass shape poking out her two-sizes too small dress (cause you know we all have one of those friends). But wait, don’t sleep on the quiet conservative ones either cause they’ll be the one calling your man the minute he has a slight cough asking him if he needs her to bring over some soup (as if you don’t know how to cook yourself). SMH!
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, my point is... You didn’t mention anything about timing which is the defining line between you being a hater cause your friend found the treasure you couldn’t find in your ex and you being pissed cause your friend stole your man from right under your nose. If it really only was 3 dates and reasonable time has passed in between like a month of two rather than a few days, then I’m reluctant to say that you are right, all is fair in lust and war. BUT, if he stood you up for dinner last night and then shows up with her to happy hour the next day, OR WORSE you dated him exclusively for extended time, he was your true love and now your bff wants him, DING DING let the match begin! Your bff deserves to be laid out cause she’s been eyeing your man the whole time, she may even be the reason why you broke up.
I agree, FB has closed the gap a lot. Chances are you will date within the same circle that your friends date so my advice is give it some time. It’s a given that all long-term ex’s are off-limits but for all other dudes wait a few weeks preferably months before you pounce on him. If he’s worth it, he’ll still be around. And while you’re waiting think about why your friend kicked him to the curb cause if you’re really good friends chances are you like and dislike similar things about men which means you’ll be kicking him to the curb soon after anyway.
Woman are going to be woman. With that said, they will NEVER really be good with their friend dating an ex or just a cat they talked to. There will always be, "if she want my leftovers blah blah blah" talk. And we men can't ask an ex to hook us up with one of their friends. Woman continue to do y'all.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the kicker about this topic is "Imaginary Playa's" who boast of how many chics they got or how many chics they "smashed", but as soon as you see one of his "old joints" and you say, "pass off" the "imaginary players" jaws clench, palms sweat and the satin tongued player now is a stuttering fool. He hits you with "uh, well, I'll reach out" but he is so tight, you'd think he was kin to a boa constrictor. And he never really reaches out, but if he does its light so he won't look like a hater. Imaginary Playa's get the bozack.
Now for G's, cats who don't give a f**k as long as it aint wifey, and Gents, cats who care if he took her on one date, there are different rules. I'll speak for G's cause a real Gent will make no bones about him being uncomfortable about you courting an old flame so that's dead unless, you're a G who says "you met her for drinks once and she aint feeling you, I'm going in" f**k your feelings bit**a**ni**a.
I digress, back to G's. Men abide by man law, ladies don't ask you will never understand, and we know when something is off limits. Your man's wifey or a girl he was really feeling is a no go. He hung out with her twice and it aint go no where, spread love. He smashed for the winter, but is done, spread love. She's an old joint he smashed, but had no connection with her otherwise, spread love. For G's its "spread love" all day. I've asked homies to pass off and i've had homies ask me to pass off. Now before you ladies go crazy and say "what are we blunts or pieces of meat" the answer to both is no. "Pass off" means pass the contact info so I can holla. Take me to the party, I can dance on my own.
Like my brother said, "All is Fair in Lust and War", but like real war has the Geneva Convention to apply the rules, we men have our set of rules called Man Law which we all abide by. Except bit**a**ni**as, crabs and Kobe Bryant
You are CRAZY! lol
ReplyDeleteGood stuff, you already know how I feel about this but, if he was my MAN and we uttered "I love you" he's off limits! and I will NOT cross the line with any of his friends (whom I KNEW were his friends while we were together). But if it was just a few dates it's fair game! lol given a respectful time frame after of course.
it does get sticky when you involve college friends and Facebook. so now I can't date anyone at all from my university or on your fb page?! LOL NOT! it's all about timing and discretion. I'm not checking in with any exes asking for clearance or anything you'll both just know. But if anyone is involved in a serious relationship it really shouldn't matter right? after 30 it's RESPECTFULLY, every man for him/herself! lol