Keep Your New Year's Resolutions To Yourself

Here we are in the last week of the year. Everyone is scrambling trying to make sure they end 2010 and start 2011 right. People are excited because they almost feel like its out with the old and in with the new. As usual, the discussions these days center around, “What are your New Year’s resolutions?” And people are no where near short of creativity with the things they come up with. Especially when their resolutions are relationship related. Women are voicing their determination to have a boyfriend. And men are vowing to finally commit to a girlfriend. Maybe not.

Personally, I don’t make any New Year’s resolutions. So although I am single, I doubt that I will be making any New Year’s relationship resolutions. I’m not knocking anyone who does, but I believe that making New Year’s resolutions are another way we lie to ourselves. Around September people start saying to themselves, “I can’t wait till next year,” or “it’s going to be different next year.” So what happens, they wait three months to put this unjust pressure on themselves and rarely fulfill these requirements they set. By September of the next year, the same quotes are repeated.

With all that being said, please forgive me when I laugh at the question “will one of my resolutions be to have a girlfriend?” Whoever makes a New Year’s resolution to be in a relationship, please put your head down and walk out of the room. What type of foolishness is that? Anyone that makes a resolution to either have a girlfriend or boyfriend is clearly missing the point. They are already making the task of finding someone that much more difficult. I know about the whole ‘positive visualization’ mumbo jumbo (which I actually believe works) where you have to put it out there in the universe for it to happen. Cool, but be careful, because that may not be the only thing that is being put out in the universe. If you’ve read anything I wrote this year, you know how I feel about rules and schedules. Unless you’re at work, they only limit and prohibit. There is no timetable on when like, lust or love when develop. So for the woman that implies that she wants to be in a relationship by a certain date, on our date, I’m the man that will be going to the bathroom and not coming back. If I were courting this person, why wouldn’t I second guess whether this person is really being true and not simply introducing me to an image that they think I want to see for the purpose of my commitment? AT&T and I had beef the other day because they had me sign a contract and didn’t fully explain our agreement. When I threatened to leave their ass, that’s when they all of a sudden want to settle disputes. We now have an amicable relationship. I don’t want to go through this with a woman that I thought I liked.

It is your prerogative if you want to make your New Year’s resolution to be in a relationship by 2012. All I recommend is that you let things happen naturally. As the saying goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.” Give your potential mate the opportunity to make an educated decision on whether they want to help you with your resolution. There’s a chance it may not happen till 2013, but at least you know there is a good chance you won’t have to make that resolution again. You can now focus on working out more consistently or going to church more or having an improved relationship with your incarcerated brother; whatever you’ve decided to choose as your resolutions.

Setting goals for the upcoming year is trendy and somewhat important but be careful not to create limits for yourself. I think it’s much more important to encapsulate what you’ve experienced the previous year. On New Year’s Eve I usually have a moment of silence with myself where I reflect. During this time of reflection, there are numerous things I focus on. What went right? What went wrong? What were the pleasant surprises? Was there progression from the prior year? Did you have better friendships? Were your relationships improved? What did you learn from those relationships? Use all of this information to naturally become a better person. Great things happen to great people.

I want to thank everyone who has ever logged on, repeated andshewonderswhy during sex, posted a comment, suggested a post topic, or shared the site with a friend. I know we have fun, but believe it or not, the blog works; I have text messages, emails and taped telephone conversations (just kidding) that prove it. People are making better relationship decisions. Everyone who has participated is responsible. For that reason, I have no choice but to continue. You have truly made my 2010 a great year. I hope that I helped make yours great. There are big things happening in 2011. Please, please stay tuned. Follow me @EsWild21 on Twitter and send me (Es Wild) a friend request on Facebook.

Tired of Belts

Ok, so it’s the last weekend to shop for Christmas/ Kwanzaa gifts, I get it. You don't know what to get your man. You need advice, maybe I can help. He’s tired of wallets, ties, and gift certificates. Your excuse is either he has everything or he wants nothing. This is why the man is usually the one who suffers during this gift giving escapade. Men are men, so we may not complain or make a big deal about the garbage gift we receive (not all are garbage, said that for affect). We take the gift and throw it with the rest of the “gifts we will never use.” Some women take advantage of the fact that we don't complain. I interpret it as some women are simply lazy. Not lazy to the extent that they will not spend an entire day out on the town shopping, but lazy in that they are not willing to push themselves to come up with a unique, thoughtful gift. Ladies, we appreciate the hours you put in, but as the saying goes, “Work smart, not hard.”

A week ago, I observed Secret Santa gift exchanging. The gifts that the women gave each had them very excited. Lots of hugging, kissing and smiling. The men, well they smiled and were just happy to receive their cologne, scarves and pocket knives. Since my secret Santa ran up on me earlier that week and damn near snatched the tag out my shirt to see my size, I already knew I was getting a shirt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. But there is usually not much intrigue involved. If you know me, you know I'm pretty low maintenance. I don't ask for much. But if you do get a gift, I like practical, creative gifts. I’m pretty sure most men feel the same way.

One of the best gifts I ever received was from my ex-girlfriend. The gift served so many purposes. First, it was not a Christmas gift. It was a “just-because” gift. Those types usually mean more than any other type of gift. I know it’s the holidays so just-because gifts are not applicable at this moment. But women can still think of a way to make it more special than just a holiday gift. What my ex gave me was a two-item gift, but they were presented at the same time. Delivered in a nice, little gift bag, it was not overtly feminine, but something I could walk in the street with if I needed to transport it. Another key thing about the gift is that the relationship was still fresh. She hadn't known me a long time. So I was surprised, very risky. I hate surprises, unless they are great ones. The first part of the gift was a framed picture of her. From our conversations and interactions, she knew how I loved beauty (which she represented) and she knew how much I liked pictures. I don't remember if I asked for the picture, but I didn't expect it. This was pre-Black Planet and picture phone days (damn I just aged myself), so having pictures readily available was not the case (these kids are spoiled today). The second part of the gift is what sealed the deal. Like most couples we had our "favorite" conversations. You know those favorite conversations. "Aye girl, what's your favorite color...blue? Stop playing, that's mine too, I knew it! We're compatible." So during these talks she found out my favorite slow song was "Two Occasions" by Babyface and the Deele. I’m sure you can guess what else was in the bag. You guessed correctly, she bought me the Deele “Eyes of a Stranger” cd that featured this song. I totally forgot that we had the conversation. Of course I gave her all I had in the bedroom that night (lol, that means I was happy).

The moral of the story is that similar to women, the simple things matter to us men as well. We like a lot of money to be spent on us, but I recommend women buy gifts that will resonate over a long period of time. If you guys ever split, he will always remember that you were thoughtful. You will raise his standards. When it comes to gift giving, women after you will forever be judged on their creativity. It takes no effort to buy an expensive watch. A trip to the Bahamas can easily be purchased. Unless the woman gives a thousand pints of blood to earn the money, those gifts only mean what the guy probably already knows, that she has money. Depending on when you read this post, you have nine days left, more than enough time to be imaginative. If your gift is impressive, maybe you’ll get a nice gift back, next year.

Fellas, if you received a great gift in the past, tell the world your story in the comment section. Ladies, if you believe you have given great gifts in the past, save a relationship, please share. Happy Holidays and travel safely.

Louise vs Precious

Bored at my desk one day, I asked myself a very IMPORTANT question. PYT or Cougar? PYT or Cougar? PYT, Cougar? It’s a tough decision for some, but not so tough for me. I will take neither. I would love to have a woman that is in the same age range as me. We most likely are in same stage in our lives, we possibly have same desires, blah blah blah. Wait, maybe I’m lying. Yeeeeeaaaah, I think I am lying. I would not mind settling down with a woman my age, but its something about a younger and older woman that will always interest a man. At least interest me.


Before the women in my age group start with the dirty looks and inveigh against the movement, you guys should not be surprised when it comes to men going after younger women. Half of you ladies grew up pumping the myth that women mature earlier than men. Some of you took it a step further and even started dating older men while you were in your late teens and early twenties. So where does this leave us. Where did it leave us when we were younger? All of the superbad girls were messing with the older guys so we had to get in where we fit in. Maybe subconsciously it hurt our egos that our options were limited. I don’t know. I didn’t research this chit. Googling PYT and Cougar just didn’t feel right. Either way it goes, men are now making up for the days of the 21, 22, and 23 year olds evading them when they were 21, 22, and 23. The men are in there 30s and they are now the beneficiaries. A classic tale of history repeating itself.

But let’s not sleep on Cougars. People think they are making a come back, but I beg to differ. They’ve been around for a long time. In my hood, we’ve been calling them “Grandma Dynamites” for years. The only difference today is that they are more sophisticated, more attractive, and more “caked up” (that’s paid for those who don’t know). So with this new, improved plethora of single, older women, men’s choices have expanded exponentially. And although Viagra and Cialis are trying to make it an even playing field for men of all ages, the Cougars are still out there hunting young, fresh meat. Lol, that sounds disgusting. But unfortunately, this is the case. They have adult sons and daughters out of the house, money to share, and horniness to overcome. Most importantly, they are experienced in the game.

Contrasting the two, the final decision will be based off of where a man is in his life. But before we get to that point, let’s look at the “tale of the tape.”

PYTs: USUALLY in great shape, breasts perky, energetic and full of life, impressionable, easier to enjoin, emotional, ambitious, impatient, sassy, naïve, nymphomaniacs and a bunch of other things.

Cougars: USUALLY paid, understanding, supportive, nurturing, attractive in a Phylicia Rashad kind of way, some attractive in a Pam Grier kind of way, have their own lives, PAID, have sexual appetite, less likely to want relationship and a bunch of other things.

Tough choice right? There is a thought that young girls are dumb and men only want them because they will listen to anything we say. Some women will say younger men can’t build anything with an older woman and we only want one because they will take care of us financially. Actually, *in my serious voice*, it’s really based on the person. If I don’t limit myself with looks, status, or culture, why would I limit myself with age. One never knows who compliments him. Now I’m not like one of my favorite old school rappers Big Daddy Kane who said he’ll take them “8 to 80, blind, cripple and crazy.” I do have a more realistic minimum and maximum. But that doesn’t mean your daughter in college or your young grandmother is not on the radar. Keep them out of my no fly zone.

If there is a lesson to be learned; the women in their 30s who want a man in his 30s should take some of the good qualities from the PYT and some of the good qualities from the Cougar. This way, she makes herself more versatile. Or, she can always wait till she graduates to a Cougar.

Does Size Really Matter?

Pause. With that said, the question is how much does a guy think about size? Being that we are men, do we really know what the appropriate size is? Should a guy be concerned? A man can only do what he can do; this is something a woman should be concerned with. If she loves him shouldn’t she understand and be acceptable of whatever she can get. Before I go any further, I’m going to allow you guys to get your minds out of the gutter I put them in. The size that I’m speaking of is in relation to engagement rings. And while I’m in that realm, I might as well touch on the size of weddings as well. People are getting out of control, and I understand why.

I have yet to propose to someone, but I will let you guys in on a secret. I did consider buying a special young lady an engagement ring some years ago. Sad day it was for me. My lack of knowledge depressed me. I know as much about jewelry as I know about The Real Housewives of Atlanta. All I know is that if I’m in Morningside Park kicking up dirt and I see one of those pink joints like they had in “Blood Diamond,” I’m stashing and getting out of there. Since my knowledge was limited, I did what any Stevie would do; I asked her what kind of ring she desired. Because I KNEW this was going to be my wife, the price of the Solitaire was not a concern to me, but my bank account did have some uncertainties. We know who won that battle.

If other issues didn’t arise, I would be married with a piece of metal as my first investment. Couple years out of college, of course it would have set a brother back. With her taste, who knows how much the wedding would have been. I would probably be consolidating debt as we speak. Sucker meter was on red because I was willing to do whatever. Looking back, something appears wrong with that picture. How much weight does a ring carry? I hear SINGLE women talking chit all the time about how their man better “come correct” with the ring or they are not saying yes. Is this really the case? Are women saying no to some guys because the diamond is microscopic? This is putting a lot of pressure on some men. I’m concerned that women are unfairly taking advantage of men who are under the influence. Today, if a woman who’s supposed to love me tells me her ring better be a certain size, I’m calling her bluff. I will get her the ring she wants, but I’m getting her the wood version.

I hear the rule is the ring should be worth three months of the man’s yearly salary (is that before or after taxes). There is also a rule that the wedding is supposed to be paid by the bride’s family. Is everyone following the rules? Let’s excuse ourselves from tradition sometimes, it’s hurting us. Posts ago, I discussed the importance of communication. Honest communication will help avoid any issues in the future when it comes to sizes of rings and weddings. There are many considerations that should be discussed. Does the couple have plans to buy a home? What is the job status and financial situation of the couple? Is the honeymoon preference Miami or the Ivory Coast? I’m not saying this as a plea to allow for a guy to be excused for buying a cheap ring or having a modest wedding. I’m simply saying that the type of ring and size of wedding a woman desires says a lot about her personality. The type of ring and size of wedding a man is willing to pay for says a lot about his personality. Women and men can avoid future strain on a relationship if they know if they are ring and wedding size preference compatible. Wouldn’t a man be more willing to help with the arduous planning of the wedding if he didn’t feel he was being raped on the cost? He may cooperate, but is he happy? Doesn’t he have the right to be happy about his wedding too? Some women are shaking there heads no to that one.

For those women out there in relationships who feel the proposal coming any day now and have felt that way for three or four years, ask yourself, “what’s taking him so long? Is he still saving for my ring?”