It wasn’t raining. It wasn’t cold. The neighborhood wasn’t dangerous. I don’t even think it was dark. And most importantly, it wasn’t my car. So why in the world is she giving me that look? No, it’s not my job to pump your gas. Maybe if I was the pilot on this journey, yes, but no, I’m only the navigator. My job is to chill. Lol. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t go anywhere.
I lost that battle before it even started. My naïveté made this an uneven playing field. At the time, my ego would not allow me to understand what was happening. This is an example of one of those subtle learning experiences that changes a man’s life.
I lost that battle before it even started. My naïveté made this an uneven playing field. At the time, my ego would not allow me to understand what was happening. This is an example of one of those subtle learning experiences that changes a man’s life.
I’ve continued to learn in the 8 years since this encounter. The main thing I’ve learned is that, although it’s on life support, and people are in the waiting room pulling for it, chivalry is dead. No, I’m not talking about simply being courteous and considerate to any woman. I’m talking about chivalry as it pertains to a man courting a woman. Yeah that, its over. And it wasn’t me that bodied it. It’s been a group effort, long before I came around. Men are on trial, and women are the co-defendants.
Unfortunately for women, it was never taught or embedded in me. Judging by the amount of laughter I hear from a group of guys as they witness another guy pull the chair out for his lady, it wasn’t taught to a lot of men. Now I can easily say I grew up with a single mother and there was no father figure and no big brother and no positive male role models blah blah blah. But this is not the forum for that, nor do I make excuses. Don’t get me wrong, along the way I’ve picked up a few things here and there. Some things I observed, others came from natural instinct and evolution. Through this evolution, there are numerous times where I actually perform “acts” of chivalry. List not included. With that said, for the most part, I’ve been getting by being an unchivalrous knight, rescuing the princess from the emperor’s castle without slaying the dragon, climbing the tower or carrying her over my shoulder. Before I’m vilified, let me explain.
For the same reason nice guys finish last, chivalry is dead. First of all, most women don’t know what chivalry is nor do they know the purpose of it. Then there are the women that know of chivalry, but don’t expect it or demand it. So why wouldn’t chivalry be dead. Why would a man go out of his way to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, fix a woman’s car, or take the chance of getting beat up when another guy disrespects the chick he’s with. There is a misconception that the amount of acts of chivalry you perform constitutes your level of manhood. False! Chivalry is no more than a personality trait. A personality trait that seems more and more unfavorable to men and women. Sure, a guy can carry your shopping bags, mow your lawn, or pull out the chair for you to sit and eat off gp. But where does that get him. I don’t want to hear the whole spill about gaining self-respect. Too late, got that. "Your mother will be proud of you". Too late, got that too.
I guarantee the following words are going to get overlooked so I will waste my time and put them in bold print. THE ONLY THING I CAN PROMISE YOU IS THAT I WILL RESPECT YOU AND TREAT YOU HOW YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED. I think that’s pretty fair. That’s square biz right there. I don’t get this notion that a woman’s talent to open her legs warrants her the world. I have a motto, ‘I will do damn near anything, but don’t expect it’. That means, the same way I have to prove that I deserve for you to use that “special” talent for me, you have to prove that you deserve for me to open that passenger door for you. I know I’m definitely not old fashioned, so I understand some women saying that I’m ignorant and I just don’t get it. Cool. Am I less of a man if I’m not chivalrous, am I more a man if I am?
Chivalry doesn’t make a man good or bad. Like I previously stated, it’s a personality trait. If you want to see more signs of chivalry from your man or the guy you want to be your man, open the discussion. Ask him why doesn’t he do these things? Ask him what will it take for these things to happen?
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Chivalry is dead to a degree. The younger generation doesn't get it, but the older (and that is relative) keeps it going. It is what I as a woman would expect, and enjoy when I let myself. It can exist for me because I reciprocate the "act" in the things that I do as a woman that my significant other appreciates, without asking. I teach it to my daughter so that she too knows what to look for. She walks on the inside, I hold the door, or vice versa, I carry her bags, and the list goes on. I send subliminal daily and then, out of the blue, I explain to her what I have done. Now she's aware. The older I get, the more I notice that its coming back. Maybe that means that as men get older they are realizing it and are exhibiting it more and therefore, it is far from dead.
ReplyDeleteIts not an old fashion "thing" its a courtesy and when expressed, it is appreciated.
Grown ass men pull out chairs, open doors and walk on the curb side of the street and don't expect anything in return nor do they care who else is watching or snickering. They do it because its genuinely the right thing to do. If you don't do it, it doesn't make you less of a man but it is a good marker in separating the average men from the grown ass men. CJ
ReplyDelete“Chivalry doesn’t make me a good or a bad man… less or more of a man”
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are: a man who displays chivalrous actions right away oppose to playing the waiting game has a stronger character then a man who is playing the waiting game. I could even argue more mature then ES Wild. Since you display each act of chivalry on a to be determined basis.
Didn’t you promise that you would respect and treat woman how they deserve to be treated? I can imagine any lady stepping out with ES Wild on a date is a stand up chick & deserves the upmost respect. (You are dating stand up chicks? Smile!) If so open up ES WILD step up to plate don’t be afraid to express chivalry aka treating each woman the way she deserves!!
All I’m saying opening car doors, help pumping gas (not necessarily paying) pulling out a chair these actions foreshadow a man’s potential to be a good protector of his woman. No need to be so calculated when it comes to chivalry; display those acts of chivalry sooner then later!!
ES Wild great women like myself will APPERCIATE it!!!!!
~M
I'm a little torn here. I for one try my best to treat the woman I am with like a lady. Yes, opening doors, car door included, walking curbside blah blah blah. What I find though is some women don't appreciate this act of "courtesy" and seem to expect it. No thank you, no "that was kind", no acknowledgment whatsoever. This bothers me, because I just sacrificed my $30 Yankee fitted so YOU can have my umbrella all in the name of chivalry and you act like I'm "supposed" to do this. All I'm "supposed" to do is stay Black and die. Are you going to buy me a new fitted? I didn't think so. Yes, many men aren't chivalrous, but there are plenty of guys who are. What you ladies should do is politely try and steer your guy into being courteous because lets face it, many men weren't brought up that way and it's no fault of theirs. So instead of passing judgment and standing on your soapbox proclaiming to be a "diva" and the ground you walk on is holy, perhaps you should talk to your guy and get to the root of why he may not be that knight in shining armor. The issue may be he just doesn't know and is willing to be chivalrous. Before you know it, that rusty suit he's been dragging along might be blinged out next time you see him. Remember, every woman isn't a lady and me being chivalrous towards you is a privilege, not a right.
ReplyDeleteI agree with some of the things that were said. Like I said, I perform some acts and those that I do, I dont think about. But of course one negative outweighs 10 positives. I don't do anything for the sake of acknowledgement. And actually chivalry, as it was originally intended, is a form of "game". It has nothing to do with character. It can be practiced Bishop Magic Don Juan, or Bishop T.D. Jakes. Who would you say has more character?
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog I realize when I list the qualities I want in a man chivalry does not come to mind. I think respect is more important. As a woman, opening my car door doesn't wow me. I mean it's cool but it doesn't give that guy an edge over the next. The guy that respects me enough to not curse around me because I don't curse speaks volumes of his character and personality more so than pumping my gas.
ReplyDeleteBoth Don Juan and Jakes chivarly has motive, one man may do it because he feels it pleases God and the other because he may feel you can please him by making him money. It's what they do and say after they hold the door open that really matters. I definitely agree it doesn't define their character.
Great topic Es,
ReplyDeleteI guess I’m a lucky lady b/c most men I’ve been on dates with or more of the men than not have ALWAYS been "Chivalrous" walking on the outside of the street, holding doors etc. I have to admit the one act I have the HARDEST time with is, sitting in a car and waiting for the man to get out walk around and open the door. I will admit when done (b/c I'm busy fixing my makeup or talking to someone in the back seat I did blush, but sitting there, twiddling my thumbs waiting for my suitor to make it to my side of the car takes a long time. Does it mean this gentleman will be or make a great mate? Not yet it hasn't!
Being chivalrous has been swatted to the waste side b/c we women have had to show and prove "I can do it". It's translated into how we date as well. In a previous story someone teased the controversial "anonymous" by saying she is living in a way earlier era but these changing times have made things very difficult, we just have to adapt. Men, don't STOP being chivalrous and don't select whom to be chivalrous with doesn't that take away YOUR value? Ladies, demand it (non verbally) b/c your worth it!
Anyways not tryna get too deep, great post!
[anon11:56] *shrugs* Well I am old fashioned, and I dont think it's dead. I think it's a means of separating classes, the same as using dinner forks and salad forks. People can say they are above it but only because they dont know what it feels like to actually be in the midst. There are plenty of hoodrats that have no idea what chivalry feels like so to them, what difference does it really make? As long as we are aware that females set the standards, there is a point to be taken. Real women can keep acknowledging and respecting real men more by those little character traits. If guys that aren't chivalrous can keep getting females anyway, keep the ladies that have no idea what it feels like, it makes no difference to me. The truth is that men who do commit themselves to those acts are the same men that get a better quality wife. They notice if she leaves the dishcloth down all the time and it stinks, they notice if she cleaned the top of the microwave or the curve in the bottom of the toilet on the wall side. Those men take the time to make mental notes and will always understand that it's the little things that often speak loudest. "I'd rather be Extra than Basic. #sixwordstory "
ReplyDelete[anon11:56] This was on my mind this morning and I realized, I wanted to add something. Men who realize that chivalry is not dead, are also men who realize what a marriage is and are actively pursuing one. I hope that if you consider chivarly to be dead then you also consider your wife washing the laundry as dead too. Not just the laundry but all of the "womanly duties" there is no need for you to expect dinner when you come home or for her to actually take time off work for maternity leave. There are things called paternity leave as well. SMh! I'm sitting here wondering if this is really what you guys are looking for when you say that I am old fashioned? Yes, I'd rather he pull out my chair or open the car door (not that I'm wasting time waiting for it, I mean more in the Wow I didnt even realize you were there and thank you so much kind of way) because I do not want the average guy washing my delicates or deciding what I want dried or hung up. I do not necessarily want my husband making dinner for me every night because it would start to make me feel like I wasn't doing what I should be doing. *shrugs* even if we both work, I still think my husband would prefer to not have to make his own appetizers before his friends come over. So on that note, I think chivarly is a man's way of silently acknowledging that he will in fact continue to do those things, so that she in turn will be much more loving and willing when it comes to doing things for him.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with anon11:56. I am not the most girlie girl but i do think that men and women have roles with in their relationship. when women start to flip the roles men get a lil aggie and it turns into you are trying to dominate me. well then stand up and take the mantle show that you are the man by doing manly things. men are supposed to hold the door. yes i expect it and if i go out with any man then it counts againt him when he doesn't. I think the biggest issue is the lack of father. as a woman raised in her fathers household there are many things that i learned about men just from watching him. many of these women dont expect their man to be chivalrous because they have never seen anyone treated that way...there was no father to open the door for their mother no uncle to pay for the meal no grandfather to walk on the outside. the black community is suffering from a lack of elder males. real talk there was a report from one of these zoo's that they removed the elder male elephants from the group area and the younger males began to lose control and act out. the zoo keepers realized that without the elder male elephants to show them how to act they acted "retarded"....BLACK MAN PLEASE STOP ACTING RETARDED...open the door for your lady.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anonymous that the action after the "chivalrous" act is most important. Chivalry is dead because women don't demand it, as previously stated. The man that most women want is not the man that's pumping their gas and opening car doors...but the one that's still sitting in the car when you pull up to the pump (you Es). The man that is willing to do that is usually considered to be too nice. A too nice guy may be viewed as being corny or someone that is trying to run game.They're usually the ones we put in the friend zone. True the nice guy is better for you in the long run (a serious relationship or marriage) but it's something about that jerk (not the ahole kind of jerk) that intrigues you and you go for it. Not all women, but a lot of us in theory we want a chivalrous man but how many of us only go for that type of man, honestly? Respect ranks higher and a man can still respect you and not pump your gas or open your CAR door(other doors, he should) and be a good man. Sure it'll be nice, but you may have to train the jerk to be the knight you want him to be. My opinion, chivalry is on life support and only women can resuscitate it...if they want to.
ReplyDeleteEs, I say jerk in love ;-)
I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead and/or on life support. We all make choices regarding our behaviors and if a man wants to treat his lady-friend as such then holding a door open, allowing her to sit first and all those other actions would be a non-issue.
ReplyDeleteEs Wild, you are such a hard cookie! How difficult would it be to assist in pumping gas? You were reaping the benefits of riding shotgun. My question is simple, "has she allowed you back in the car?"
I agree with the statement regarding a lack of great male role models in the lives of our men. I can only say "our" because that is my experience - The Black Experience. If women are appreciative of those small gestures men do for us, men will be more inclined to do them again. It then becomes second nature. Of course that theory goes both ways. If men are appreciative of the small gestures of women, then women would be more inclined to do again.
There are quite a few young guys in my neighborhood and while they may not open the door for everyone that passes by, they open the door for Miss B and myself. Why? Simple, there is a level of respect in those relationships/interactions. My response is always, "Thank you Gentleman". They may be a little rough around the edges, pants saggin', etc. but simply showing appreciation means that maybe, just maybe he will open the door for the next young lady, allow her to enter first, etc.
We have to make conscious efforts to change behavior and realize what we teach those after us by modeling. There is value in traditional roles and there is also value in the balance of this being 2010.
[anon11:56] Agreed agreed agreed, and a side note I too heard about the elephants.. Smh! We respect what we want and ignore what we want. In my eyes, that is a clear sign to acknowledge and follow, but too most it completely goes over their heads.
ReplyDeleteLata for ALL OF THAT! I only open doors because I "LOVE TO WATCH HER LEAVE".. Thats a beautiful view.. As far car doors, and chairs and walking on outsides of curbs and shit.. Nah (it means NOTHING), U can still be a bullshit ass guy and be doin all of dat. Thats just anotha part of niggas GAME.. Another style some of us guys use to get da pussy...LOL (Unless u doin it for ya moms or grandma or somebody handicapped). I dont knock the hustle, but I dont think yallshould be mislead into believing this "Chivalry" thing is something other than another technique we use to get some pussy. LOL
ReplyDeleteChivery is dead, Whampery is alive!!!
ReplyDeleteNaw but alot chicks will label you soft or phony if you are polite,nice, or courteous. Some chicks watched too many Disney movies wen they were kids, its made them delusional and some chicks are just spoiled and self-centered enough to actully expect a chivary man. But thats the price we pay to play...with WHAMPz.
My comment is on your so clearly stated "All I can promise is I will respect you and treat you how you deserve to be treated." Who makes the determination on how she should be treated? You? I don't think that's the way it goes... I do agree that many woman do not expect or demand certain behavior from men, and it is just because of the sad truth that men just don't think they should show women the respect that I believe should be put forth. However, I think it also has to do with how genuine the act truly is. Why do you need recognition to perform and act of kindness like holding the door, or making sure the lady you are accompanying is out of harms way when she is with you? The problem with some men, and people in general is that one wants a national parade when they perform one act of simple kindness...if your doing something to seek recognition for it, then you just shouldn't do it all. But if you wanted to do it, then that should be it. And as it goes, I do believe a woman should give the small courtesy of saying thank you, but you seriously cant expect her to say thank you every single time if you have made it a lifestyle. I for one do not believe chivalry is dead, I believe that chivalry is alive and well for those that do expect and appreciate it. I do not believe that it makes you more or less of a man, however do I think it does have a little to say on your maturity level and consideration for the females you keep in your presence.
ReplyDeleteOk, I can't disagree that chivalry is dwindling. There are still a few good men who hold the door and pull out your chair. It's a modern world so I don't think any woman is expecting the extreme chivalry of laying your coat ona puddle, but if you both approach a door at the same time at least let her walk through it first!
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, chivalry isn't about sex, and a man shouldn't be performing acts of chivalry with the hopes of getting some (but the more I read this blog the more I realize that men do EVERYTHING with the hopes of getting some). It's a courtesy, just like men expect a woman to be able to cook, clean, straighten your tie and stroke their mans ego. If you can't muster the effort to open a freaking door, don't expect her to make you a sandwich, and you can get your own damn beer!